Again, this one is easy. Pre-Cancer I would have said, I hope I never have to face cancer. Well, as you know I did. That was hard, hardest thing I have had to do. But you know what would be worse?
Burying one of my own. That would do it. I don't know that I would make it. Can't write anymore. It's too hard to even think of...
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Dave five, something I hope to do in my life
This one is easy for me.
I want to live long enough to retire with my husband. I want to move on to some land on a lake up north. I want to watch my children have children. I want to be healthy enough to love on all of them. I want to see my children succeed in all they do.
Sounds easy, right? Ever since cancer, nothing is certain for me. I want to do simple things.
If I have to answer this to the immediate future... I want to go to Disney World with my family. I want to take my husband on a trip to Alaska and do the Cruise thing there. I want to do the long cruise. The expensive one. I would be completely exhausted, but it would be worth it to see my husband smile and be happy.
This is what I hope to do in my lifetime, however short or long it will be.
I want to live long enough to retire with my husband. I want to move on to some land on a lake up north. I want to watch my children have children. I want to be healthy enough to love on all of them. I want to see my children succeed in all they do.
Sounds easy, right? Ever since cancer, nothing is certain for me. I want to do simple things.
If I have to answer this to the immediate future... I want to go to Disney World with my family. I want to take my husband on a trip to Alaska and do the Cruise thing there. I want to do the long cruise. The expensive one. I would be completely exhausted, but it would be worth it to see my husband smile and be happy.
This is what I hope to do in my lifetime, however short or long it will be.
Day Four, I need to forgive someone for...
I sat on this question for a long time. Why? Because I say I forgive most people for most things. This is true, I don't hold onto grudges or wrong doings. It just make my life better to let go. However, I had this written and then I was in the shower and the real story just came pouring out, so here it is...
I need to forgive a teacher from my high school days. This man was a very important teacher in my high school life. I either new of him or had him for every year. He was a big man on campus. To be in his good graces was to be in heaven, to be no his bad side, was a disaster to say the least. I have been in both places. The latter of the two, changed my life.
You see, my Sophomore year of school, I rebelled. Most kids do at some point. I changed friends, started hanging out with a rough older crowd, some of who were no longer in school. They either were older and graduated or older and dropped out. Why did I do this, because I could. It irritated my parents to no end. That was my goal. Mean to say, but honest.
So in that year, I learned how to skip school and get it cleared by someone on the inside. By the end of the half way mark of school, I had missed (but totally excused from) 52 classes. My parents found out, it ended. I got my punishment from them, and lived through it. I continued to hang out with the crowd, but my studies improved. The Sophomore year ended.
I went back to school my Junior year with a positive note. I changed a lot of my behavior and wanted to get an education. The teacher I need to forgive was tough man, as I said. It was time for try-outs for the extra curricular activity he was in charge of. Because of our positive relationship, I was positive I would make the cut. In fact, I did. Until, he brought me into his office and said, "Because of your behavior last year and missing so many classes, you are not on the team this year. I want you to learn a lesson. I put you on the team, but took you off. Learn your lesson and prove to me you will be a team player. You will be on the team next year."
I was heartbroken. Still to this day his heavy hand of discipline for me was wrong. See, I am not a bad person. Even when I was struggling I still got "B's" in all of my classes. My form of rebellion, wasn't smoking pot, wasn't drinking, it was leaving classes. Yes, I know wrong, but I still could have been so much worse. Also, I spent the last half of my Sophomore year making amends for what I had done wrong, I literally was bad for a total of 12 weeks. I thought I had with this teacher, but he chose to make an example out of me. Let me tell you, it changed my life.
Not, in a good way. Because of this decision, I did not try out my Senior year. In fact, I decided I was done with school and graduated when I was 17. He approached me my senior year and asked why I didn't try out, because I was guaranteed a spot. I smiled at him and said I wasn't going to waste my time for him to take it all away again. Then, I went on and did my last trimester of classes and graduated early. I turned 18 a few weeks after I graduated and then went to work full time until college started.
So even after writing this, I feel it in my soul, this. This is what I need to forgive. I forgive you Mr. Vine for trying to make an example out of me. Unfortunately, I was not a person that could learn from negative reinforcement, as so many children are not.
I need to forgive a teacher from my high school days. This man was a very important teacher in my high school life. I either new of him or had him for every year. He was a big man on campus. To be in his good graces was to be in heaven, to be no his bad side, was a disaster to say the least. I have been in both places. The latter of the two, changed my life.
You see, my Sophomore year of school, I rebelled. Most kids do at some point. I changed friends, started hanging out with a rough older crowd, some of who were no longer in school. They either were older and graduated or older and dropped out. Why did I do this, because I could. It irritated my parents to no end. That was my goal. Mean to say, but honest.
So in that year, I learned how to skip school and get it cleared by someone on the inside. By the end of the half way mark of school, I had missed (but totally excused from) 52 classes. My parents found out, it ended. I got my punishment from them, and lived through it. I continued to hang out with the crowd, but my studies improved. The Sophomore year ended.
I went back to school my Junior year with a positive note. I changed a lot of my behavior and wanted to get an education. The teacher I need to forgive was tough man, as I said. It was time for try-outs for the extra curricular activity he was in charge of. Because of our positive relationship, I was positive I would make the cut. In fact, I did. Until, he brought me into his office and said, "Because of your behavior last year and missing so many classes, you are not on the team this year. I want you to learn a lesson. I put you on the team, but took you off. Learn your lesson and prove to me you will be a team player. You will be on the team next year."
I was heartbroken. Still to this day his heavy hand of discipline for me was wrong. See, I am not a bad person. Even when I was struggling I still got "B's" in all of my classes. My form of rebellion, wasn't smoking pot, wasn't drinking, it was leaving classes. Yes, I know wrong, but I still could have been so much worse. Also, I spent the last half of my Sophomore year making amends for what I had done wrong, I literally was bad for a total of 12 weeks. I thought I had with this teacher, but he chose to make an example out of me. Let me tell you, it changed my life.
Not, in a good way. Because of this decision, I did not try out my Senior year. In fact, I decided I was done with school and graduated when I was 17. He approached me my senior year and asked why I didn't try out, because I was guaranteed a spot. I smiled at him and said I wasn't going to waste my time for him to take it all away again. Then, I went on and did my last trimester of classes and graduated early. I turned 18 a few weeks after I graduated and then went to work full time until college started.
So even after writing this, I feel it in my soul, this. This is what I need to forgive. I forgive you Mr. Vine for trying to make an example out of me. Unfortunately, I was not a person that could learn from negative reinforcement, as so many children are not.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Ahhhh the truth. What is the thing I love the most? Well after reading Kelly's blog on it, I had it. I love that I forgive people. That's easy enough, right?! I didn't have to think about it. But there's more, I made what do I hate, easy. Why? Because I didn't want to delve into it deeper. However, I left a comment on her page when she said she was doing this challenge. It went something like, I can't out myself on my personal page, but I can on my "Scar" page. (I like Scar better than Cancer). Here's the thing... These questions are meant to be thought provoking. They are supposed to be hard. I admire her for doing this challenge. She is a strong woman. Unfortunately strong isn't always a good thing. It's protects us, but it doesn't save us from falling later. Usually when there is no safety net to save us. This is where I am at...
I hate that I am not strong. But perceived as strong because I fought some nasty shit called cancer. Sure I had to face the demon that was pancreas cancer. Sure I had to struggle with the surgery then chemo and the radiation and the chemo again. But what no one talks about is the struggle that it takes to come out of the hole that you get put into. I struggle on the daily with this coming out of the hole. I am trying so hard to be me, whoever me is, but it's not easy. So yeah...
What I truly hate about myself is the new me. I hate that I am in pain every damn day. I hate that I cancel plans because I am sick. I hate that I cannot finish school and help out my family financially. I hate every damn thing that is cancer. Sorry for the swears. I don't yell a lot and I don't swear much. But when I do, it somehow conveys the truth for me.
So the questions are what do you hate about yourself and what do you love. My new answers... Hate... Everything, that is the new me. Yes, that may be harsh, but that's where I am. I could give you a list of what was and what is. No matter what, the new me doesn't measure up to the old me. IHATEIT!
What do I love, yep. Still the same. I love that I forgive. That part hasn't changed. In fact, it's gotten stronger. I totally get the whole live life like it is your last day. Work hard, play hard, forgive hard. Don't hold grudges. Move on. That's not to say I don't deal with grievances, I just don't hold onto them anymore. I forgive and move on. Now... Why can't I just do that with myself? Why do I have to be so hard on myself for something that I never had any control over? Life is unfair. I need to work on getting better at loving my new self. I don't remember all of the thirty things, but maybe one is what do I need to work on. If so, I got this.
I hate that I am not strong. But perceived as strong because I fought some nasty shit called cancer. Sure I had to face the demon that was pancreas cancer. Sure I had to struggle with the surgery then chemo and the radiation and the chemo again. But what no one talks about is the struggle that it takes to come out of the hole that you get put into. I struggle on the daily with this coming out of the hole. I am trying so hard to be me, whoever me is, but it's not easy. So yeah...
What I truly hate about myself is the new me. I hate that I am in pain every damn day. I hate that I cancel plans because I am sick. I hate that I cannot finish school and help out my family financially. I hate every damn thing that is cancer. Sorry for the swears. I don't yell a lot and I don't swear much. But when I do, it somehow conveys the truth for me.
So the questions are what do you hate about yourself and what do you love. My new answers... Hate... Everything, that is the new me. Yes, that may be harsh, but that's where I am. I could give you a list of what was and what is. No matter what, the new me doesn't measure up to the old me. IHATEIT!
What do I love, yep. Still the same. I love that I forgive. That part hasn't changed. In fact, it's gotten stronger. I totally get the whole live life like it is your last day. Work hard, play hard, forgive hard. Don't hold grudges. Move on. That's not to say I don't deal with grievances, I just don't hold onto them anymore. I forgive and move on. Now... Why can't I just do that with myself? Why do I have to be so hard on myself for something that I never had any control over? Life is unfair. I need to work on getting better at loving my new self. I don't remember all of the thirty things, but maybe one is what do I need to work on. If so, I got this.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
The Power of Positive Thinking.
Guess what? I got it. I'm back in. Did you know they have all of this information stored somewhere and all you have to do is answer some security questions. Then they send your information about logging in to your email and bam, you are back in. Like, duh, Scar, we all know that, right? Okay, so at least I can remember the security questions that I set up and now can access my. Maybe this will teach me not to stay quiet for so long. lol
Okay, so here's the thing. The other day I was reading a post from a page I follow. There was an article attached to the post about the power of positive thinking. Hmmmm, what's that you say? If I think negatively in life, then most of my outcomes will be negative and if I push for things to be positive and think things are positive, I may just see the silver lining more often? Wow! No really, it works. Try it. Well read the bloggityblog first, then try it.
So, some background on me. The majority of my life I have been positive. I've looked at the glass and seen it half full, no where near empty. It wasn't until recently (in the last two years) that I started placing the negative spin on things. Now, rightfully so, I have had a shitty hand dealt to me. However, it's not forever. Or at least I am hoping. It's just a part of my life. Just because I have had cancer and things are no where near the way they were, doesn't mean my life is over. In fact, I have been given a second chance in SO MANY ways! Here are a few...
I am much slower now, but maybe that's because I can stop and smell the roses with my kids. Or maybe it's so I can enjoy my life with them. In a few years my oldest (almost 14) will be 18. When I look back, I don't want to think gosh, I was too tired and too slow to keep up with him. I want to think, sure I was slow and I was tired but each moment we spent together, is was cherished because we took our time enjoying each other and our activities.
My daughter is heading into the teen years. This SCARES me, but instead of dreading it, I am going to relish the fact I am alive and I get to walk this walk with her. I am lucky, I am alive. I get to be here when she comes home from school and slams the door in my face. I get to smile at that damn door and thank the Lord I get to witness it instead of my husband witnessing it without me and wishing I was still alive.
Our youngest is enjoying school this year. NO MORE TEARS! This is huge. Instead of fighting with him on the daily to get up and get ready, he is dressed and ready for breakfast before I am ready for him. I can't think of a parable right now for him. But I will say he and I read together every night. We get to share that. I can't run around the yard with him because I am too tired, but I can lay in his bed or mine and share a good book!
My Hubs is stressed right now. Instead of making it worse by constantly reminding him I can't help him financially yet, I can make sure he has dinner when he gets home from work. I can make sure his work clothes are clean. I can make sure his life is happy outside of the stress that's getting to him.
As for my sickness, can I do everything I want to? No, but each day is another day, where I can do what I missed out on yesterday. Take today for example. I made and then canned apple pie filling. Why? Because it's good and the neighbor dropped off 6 pounds of apples. Am I tired? Yes. But in November when we want a pie and all the orchard apples are gone, I can make it for my family. Can I go to work right now? No. But I can be the best stay at home mom that I can be for this family. No, my house is not spotless. It's hard picking up after 5 sloppy people, a dog, three cats and two hamsters. But each day is a new day, a new oppertunity.
There was a time in my life when I couldn't go to bed if the house was dirty. I had to get everything done. Plus my homework, plus my everything. I would do anything for that life to be back. But instead of hanging on to that any more, I am embracing this positive lifestyle. Now, I may share with you when I have a roadblock and I need to just get it out. But I am going to try as hard as I can to make things be positive. That is the one thing I can bring to my present life that was from my pre-cancer life.
So I will leave you with these words... Life is what we make it. Sure there are some crappy things that happen. Instead of dwelling on those bad things, figure out how to turn it into a positive. Yes, if you need to grieve for whatever you are missing, do it. But don't stay there; long. The sooner you move forward and change your thoughts to positive the sooner your mind, spirit and body can begin to heal!!!! Try it. I know it makes a difference.
Sending love and HOPE to you all today!
Love, ~Scar
PS. I want to give credit to article that gave me the inspiration to blog about this. The page is "The Mind Unleashed." It is on facebook. I cannot find the article at the moment. I will try to link it in the comments at a later time.
Okay, so here's the thing. The other day I was reading a post from a page I follow. There was an article attached to the post about the power of positive thinking. Hmmmm, what's that you say? If I think negatively in life, then most of my outcomes will be negative and if I push for things to be positive and think things are positive, I may just see the silver lining more often? Wow! No really, it works. Try it. Well read the bloggityblog first, then try it.
So, some background on me. The majority of my life I have been positive. I've looked at the glass and seen it half full, no where near empty. It wasn't until recently (in the last two years) that I started placing the negative spin on things. Now, rightfully so, I have had a shitty hand dealt to me. However, it's not forever. Or at least I am hoping. It's just a part of my life. Just because I have had cancer and things are no where near the way they were, doesn't mean my life is over. In fact, I have been given a second chance in SO MANY ways! Here are a few...
I am much slower now, but maybe that's because I can stop and smell the roses with my kids. Or maybe it's so I can enjoy my life with them. In a few years my oldest (almost 14) will be 18. When I look back, I don't want to think gosh, I was too tired and too slow to keep up with him. I want to think, sure I was slow and I was tired but each moment we spent together, is was cherished because we took our time enjoying each other and our activities.
My daughter is heading into the teen years. This SCARES me, but instead of dreading it, I am going to relish the fact I am alive and I get to walk this walk with her. I am lucky, I am alive. I get to be here when she comes home from school and slams the door in my face. I get to smile at that damn door and thank the Lord I get to witness it instead of my husband witnessing it without me and wishing I was still alive.
Our youngest is enjoying school this year. NO MORE TEARS! This is huge. Instead of fighting with him on the daily to get up and get ready, he is dressed and ready for breakfast before I am ready for him. I can't think of a parable right now for him. But I will say he and I read together every night. We get to share that. I can't run around the yard with him because I am too tired, but I can lay in his bed or mine and share a good book!
My Hubs is stressed right now. Instead of making it worse by constantly reminding him I can't help him financially yet, I can make sure he has dinner when he gets home from work. I can make sure his work clothes are clean. I can make sure his life is happy outside of the stress that's getting to him.
As for my sickness, can I do everything I want to? No, but each day is another day, where I can do what I missed out on yesterday. Take today for example. I made and then canned apple pie filling. Why? Because it's good and the neighbor dropped off 6 pounds of apples. Am I tired? Yes. But in November when we want a pie and all the orchard apples are gone, I can make it for my family. Can I go to work right now? No. But I can be the best stay at home mom that I can be for this family. No, my house is not spotless. It's hard picking up after 5 sloppy people, a dog, three cats and two hamsters. But each day is a new day, a new oppertunity.
There was a time in my life when I couldn't go to bed if the house was dirty. I had to get everything done. Plus my homework, plus my everything. I would do anything for that life to be back. But instead of hanging on to that any more, I am embracing this positive lifestyle. Now, I may share with you when I have a roadblock and I need to just get it out. But I am going to try as hard as I can to make things be positive. That is the one thing I can bring to my present life that was from my pre-cancer life.
So I will leave you with these words... Life is what we make it. Sure there are some crappy things that happen. Instead of dwelling on those bad things, figure out how to turn it into a positive. Yes, if you need to grieve for whatever you are missing, do it. But don't stay there; long. The sooner you move forward and change your thoughts to positive the sooner your mind, spirit and body can begin to heal!!!! Try it. I know it makes a difference.
Sending love and HOPE to you all today!
Love, ~Scar
PS. I want to give credit to article that gave me the inspiration to blog about this. The page is "The Mind Unleashed." It is on facebook. I cannot find the article at the moment. I will try to link it in the comments at a later time.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I'm gonna miss you
My Dearest Friend,
I just wanted to send you a quick note. You have done so much for my soul in the last couple of years we have known each other. I was hesitant to get close to someone, to let someone in. I am leary about trusting people. I let people in too fast. They hurt me, bad. But my dear, you, I felt something. It must have been something big and good because I let you in my life. You have shown me what true friendships are about, how there doesn't have to be an ounce of crazy. It's not about money. It's not about who owns a better house. It's not about who has crazier family members. It's all about what you bring out of one another that matters.
You have brought so much positive out of me. You have given me a breath of fresh air when I needed one. You have guided me in ways I can't explain. Thank you. I appreciate you understanding when I was too sick to leave the house. I love how we can talk about kids and you tell me I am doing the right thing, even if it's not a main stream idea. I trust you and you trust me.
You move away next week and I am so going to miss you, oh I cannot tell you how much I am going to miss you. That baby of yours, gah, it's gonna break my heart. However, I know it's not goodbye, you have family here and we have built a friendship that will not expire. We will forever be a part of each other's lives. I am blessed to have you in mine.
So instead of focusing on the sad and bad, I am just going to tell you thank you. Good luck. I'll be here when you return, if just for visits or the long haul. I love you my dear, K! You rock and I am so proud of you and your family for taking this plunge and experiencing something new and adventurous. Take many, many pictures and do me a favor... Find a little shop that sells wonderful eclectic things. Window shop for me. Don't buy anything just tell me all about it, over coffee when you return. I look forward to hearing about your trip and all of your new adventures. Love you girl. I am forever grateful for the day you made me take a chance on a new friendship in an Education class.
Love and HOPE~Scar
I just wanted to send you a quick note. You have done so much for my soul in the last couple of years we have known each other. I was hesitant to get close to someone, to let someone in. I am leary about trusting people. I let people in too fast. They hurt me, bad. But my dear, you, I felt something. It must have been something big and good because I let you in my life. You have shown me what true friendships are about, how there doesn't have to be an ounce of crazy. It's not about money. It's not about who owns a better house. It's not about who has crazier family members. It's all about what you bring out of one another that matters.
You have brought so much positive out of me. You have given me a breath of fresh air when I needed one. You have guided me in ways I can't explain. Thank you. I appreciate you understanding when I was too sick to leave the house. I love how we can talk about kids and you tell me I am doing the right thing, even if it's not a main stream idea. I trust you and you trust me.
You move away next week and I am so going to miss you, oh I cannot tell you how much I am going to miss you. That baby of yours, gah, it's gonna break my heart. However, I know it's not goodbye, you have family here and we have built a friendship that will not expire. We will forever be a part of each other's lives. I am blessed to have you in mine.
So instead of focusing on the sad and bad, I am just going to tell you thank you. Good luck. I'll be here when you return, if just for visits or the long haul. I love you my dear, K! You rock and I am so proud of you and your family for taking this plunge and experiencing something new and adventurous. Take many, many pictures and do me a favor... Find a little shop that sells wonderful eclectic things. Window shop for me. Don't buy anything just tell me all about it, over coffee when you return. I look forward to hearing about your trip and all of your new adventures. Love you girl. I am forever grateful for the day you made me take a chance on a new friendship in an Education class.
Love and HOPE~Scar
Thursday, June 13, 2013
To the Man I never knew...
Today's post is about a man I have never met. I love this man. I love the child of this man even more. I love the grandchildren of this man, as well. All that said, I wish I could have met him.
Dear M,
This year marks the 13th year your son has been a father. Just this week it was the anniversary of your passing. I want to take this opportunity to tell you some things.Your son is one of the kindest, strongest, most gentle men I ever have met. His fathering skills didn't come easy. I don't blame him for that. We became parents way younger than most, I was 19 he was just shy of 22. Most people that have children that young may grow into good parents, but rarely stay together. He doesn't fall into that category. He has so much love and compassion in him, he grew to be an excellent father.
There are times I look at him and I wonder which expressions are yours. I look at our children and I think the same. Does your namesake smile like you? Does she have your attitude? Does your personality shine through our last? I look at your son and wonder what he thinks when he thinks of you. He never had the chance to get to know you. As a father. As a confidant. As a disciplinarian. Later in life as a friend. He missed out on so much when it comes to you. You never took him to a ball game. How did he become such a good sports player? Where did his compassion come from? Where does his need to save the day come from? His laid back personality, was that you?
You being a small physical part of his life, he handles well. I know you are in him spiritually. There are not many times I see him break down. In fact it's extremely hard to get him to talk about you. He will, if I push. But I see the pain in his eyes. I hate that. However, there are times he has light in his eyes when we talk about you. It's often when I tell him you would be proud of him. I know you would be. He is an awesome father. His husbandry skills are superb as well! I so wish you were here to see this. Maybe you are in Heaven and are able to see him. I hope so. I hope there is a time in his life that he gets to meet you. That you get to meet him.
Please don't feel bad you left him. Although it has been hard on him. He does have two fantastic father's in his life. The first one raised him as his own. Pushed him when needing to be pushed and from what I have heard was hard on him when he needed it. I love the love they share. God works wonderfully in his works when it came to their relationship! The second father came later in his life. Their relationship started out rocky. Who would blame them? Life changed drastically for both of them. But I have been witness to their fantastic bond they share; now. God also worked wonderfully in this relationship. I am also blessed to be witness to it. In both of these relationships, I see my husband and his fathers and they have genuine friendship. I love that.
So in the last week, I have grieved for so many things. I never knew you could grieve for something you never had. But I have come to learn when it affects someone you love, the grieving is normal. My grieving is normal. I grieved for you. I grieved for my husband and all things that not having your blood father in your life does to a man. So until we meet or until you and him meet, may you really rest in peace. I love you. Thank you for your son. Thank you for his loving compassion that in some part had to have come from you. Without him, I would be lost. Although you are not here to celebrate with us, Happy Father's Day.
~Scar
Dear M,
This year marks the 13th year your son has been a father. Just this week it was the anniversary of your passing. I want to take this opportunity to tell you some things.Your son is one of the kindest, strongest, most gentle men I ever have met. His fathering skills didn't come easy. I don't blame him for that. We became parents way younger than most, I was 19 he was just shy of 22. Most people that have children that young may grow into good parents, but rarely stay together. He doesn't fall into that category. He has so much love and compassion in him, he grew to be an excellent father.
There are times I look at him and I wonder which expressions are yours. I look at our children and I think the same. Does your namesake smile like you? Does she have your attitude? Does your personality shine through our last? I look at your son and wonder what he thinks when he thinks of you. He never had the chance to get to know you. As a father. As a confidant. As a disciplinarian. Later in life as a friend. He missed out on so much when it comes to you. You never took him to a ball game. How did he become such a good sports player? Where did his compassion come from? Where does his need to save the day come from? His laid back personality, was that you?
You being a small physical part of his life, he handles well. I know you are in him spiritually. There are not many times I see him break down. In fact it's extremely hard to get him to talk about you. He will, if I push. But I see the pain in his eyes. I hate that. However, there are times he has light in his eyes when we talk about you. It's often when I tell him you would be proud of him. I know you would be. He is an awesome father. His husbandry skills are superb as well! I so wish you were here to see this. Maybe you are in Heaven and are able to see him. I hope so. I hope there is a time in his life that he gets to meet you. That you get to meet him.
Please don't feel bad you left him. Although it has been hard on him. He does have two fantastic father's in his life. The first one raised him as his own. Pushed him when needing to be pushed and from what I have heard was hard on him when he needed it. I love the love they share. God works wonderfully in his works when it came to their relationship! The second father came later in his life. Their relationship started out rocky. Who would blame them? Life changed drastically for both of them. But I have been witness to their fantastic bond they share; now. God also worked wonderfully in this relationship. I am also blessed to be witness to it. In both of these relationships, I see my husband and his fathers and they have genuine friendship. I love that.
So in the last week, I have grieved for so many things. I never knew you could grieve for something you never had. But I have come to learn when it affects someone you love, the grieving is normal. My grieving is normal. I grieved for you. I grieved for my husband and all things that not having your blood father in your life does to a man. So until we meet or until you and him meet, may you really rest in peace. I love you. Thank you for your son. Thank you for his loving compassion that in some part had to have come from you. Without him, I would be lost. Although you are not here to celebrate with us, Happy Father's Day.
~Scar
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
A backward post on thankfulness.
A couple of weeks back Kelly from DeBie Hive wrote something about a friend that she thought was a true friend but turned. It brought up some real emotions for me. I think everything happens for a reason. For me it is a God thing. But I also believe there are connections and kinetic happenings that make all things possible. So it hit hard when I read what she wrote. As I am somewhat illiterate when it comes to tagging and adding people go to DeBie Hive on Facebook and check out her blog. So from what she wrote this is how I feel...
It's been six years since we've had our last blow up. I promised myself I would never walk that road with you again. In the last six years, I have reached out to you numerous times to say I am sorry and to say I care. When your dog died it was the first time. Your response was leave me the beep alone. Okay, I did. Until your dad was sick. I reached out again. How could I not? We were two peas in a pod. We did everything together. We freakin' got pregnant at the same time to show our support for each other. WHO does that? Well obviously us. Then he died. I reached out again. This time nothing. No anger back from you. Now that was an improvement.
Around the same time Kelly wrote her blog you facebook friended me. I was so caught off guard. I was in shock! My first thought was hell no. We are not going back down that road. I said never again. I meant it. Then I felt sad for you. The hubs said... "Remember the times before, she has no one in her life so she's seeking you because you will love her again. Don't do it." I took what he said but instead of listening to the no, I heard the she has no one. I want to be someone.
Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I almost died, literally. Where the hell were you then? I know you knew. For one, you had people checking up on me. I know because some told me. I also know your Ex Husband told you about what was going on. I asked him not to. He thought it was the right thing to do. So let me ask again, where the hell were you? If I matter so much now, when I was barely hanging on, where were YOU?
There you go. There's your answer. No, never again. I am finally at a point in my life where I can think of you and have no ill will. Just blessings and HOPE that you are okay. Beyond that, nothing. I think of your children, my God-Children, and cry. But as you said to me six years ago... They will never remember me. As my children will never remember you. For that I am thankful.
It's been six years since we've had our last blow up. I promised myself I would never walk that road with you again. In the last six years, I have reached out to you numerous times to say I am sorry and to say I care. When your dog died it was the first time. Your response was leave me the beep alone. Okay, I did. Until your dad was sick. I reached out again. How could I not? We were two peas in a pod. We did everything together. We freakin' got pregnant at the same time to show our support for each other. WHO does that? Well obviously us. Then he died. I reached out again. This time nothing. No anger back from you. Now that was an improvement.
Around the same time Kelly wrote her blog you facebook friended me. I was so caught off guard. I was in shock! My first thought was hell no. We are not going back down that road. I said never again. I meant it. Then I felt sad for you. The hubs said... "Remember the times before, she has no one in her life so she's seeking you because you will love her again. Don't do it." I took what he said but instead of listening to the no, I heard the she has no one. I want to be someone.
Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I almost died, literally. Where the hell were you then? I know you knew. For one, you had people checking up on me. I know because some told me. I also know your Ex Husband told you about what was going on. I asked him not to. He thought it was the right thing to do. So let me ask again, where the hell were you? If I matter so much now, when I was barely hanging on, where were YOU?
There you go. There's your answer. No, never again. I am finally at a point in my life where I can think of you and have no ill will. Just blessings and HOPE that you are okay. Beyond that, nothing. I think of your children, my God-Children, and cry. But as you said to me six years ago... They will never remember me. As my children will never remember you. For that I am thankful.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Momma L, one of three Momma's Post 12, I think. lol
Well this lady is called Momma L. I am not sure when I started calling her that, but that is who she is. I am not going to changer her name. For me calling her Momma L fits. This lady is more than a mother, she is a friend. A good one at that.
The first time I met Momma L, was the first time I met his (the Hubs) Dad as well. We went to tell them we were engaged. Oh my we were so young. I was so nervous to tell them. I wasn't sure how they would react. Would they say we were crazy, it wouldn't last? Or would they embrace us and let us live the way we felt we should. As much as I remember, they were very positive. They embraced us and our decision. Now, I was 17 when we got engaged, but we didn't get married until I was 20. That was a good thing, we grew up some in that time. But none the less, they were behind us from the beginning. They have been two of our biggest supporters still to this date.
Okay, so how did Momma L help me. Oh my in so many ways. In a way she helped me become a less shy girl. She knows me to the core and has never made me question who I was (am). She has always embraced me. For that I am grateful. During my surgery, they took my fur-baby. Now this may not seem like a big deal to some, but this was huge. Our fur-baby is timid, sssshhhhh, don't tell anyone. She smells a guy and she runs. Needless to say, leaving her with anyone was going to be difficult, let alone with Grandpa and Uncle Z. They took her on, and smiled through it. When our pup missed us so much that she wouldn't eat, they made her a pizza and let her eat their crusts. Now not the best food for the dog, but it did break the ice and she didn't starve, she began to eat normal after that. I would have let them feed her chocolate if it would have helped and not killed her.
As for cancer help, personally, Momma L made me hand made get well cards and encouragement cards on a weekly basis. I still have them all. But above all of that, this lady hates talking on the phone. Each time I went into the hospital she made it a point to call me. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is. (To understand this, you have to know how she hates being on the phone, lol)
I am so grateful for all three of the women in my life that I call mom. I would not be the woman I am today without their guidance, understanding and willingness to let me do it on my own. I will forever be grateful to all three women. I hope each one knows they have a piece of my heart, now and forever.
Sending love and HOPE,
~Scar
The first time I met Momma L, was the first time I met his (the Hubs) Dad as well. We went to tell them we were engaged. Oh my we were so young. I was so nervous to tell them. I wasn't sure how they would react. Would they say we were crazy, it wouldn't last? Or would they embrace us and let us live the way we felt we should. As much as I remember, they were very positive. They embraced us and our decision. Now, I was 17 when we got engaged, but we didn't get married until I was 20. That was a good thing, we grew up some in that time. But none the less, they were behind us from the beginning. They have been two of our biggest supporters still to this date.
Okay, so how did Momma L help me. Oh my in so many ways. In a way she helped me become a less shy girl. She knows me to the core and has never made me question who I was (am). She has always embraced me. For that I am grateful. During my surgery, they took my fur-baby. Now this may not seem like a big deal to some, but this was huge. Our fur-baby is timid, sssshhhhh, don't tell anyone. She smells a guy and she runs. Needless to say, leaving her with anyone was going to be difficult, let alone with Grandpa and Uncle Z. They took her on, and smiled through it. When our pup missed us so much that she wouldn't eat, they made her a pizza and let her eat their crusts. Now not the best food for the dog, but it did break the ice and she didn't starve, she began to eat normal after that. I would have let them feed her chocolate if it would have helped and not killed her.
As for cancer help, personally, Momma L made me hand made get well cards and encouragement cards on a weekly basis. I still have them all. But above all of that, this lady hates talking on the phone. Each time I went into the hospital she made it a point to call me. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is. (To understand this, you have to know how she hates being on the phone, lol)
I am so grateful for all three of the women in my life that I call mom. I would not be the woman I am today without their guidance, understanding and willingness to let me do it on my own. I will forever be grateful to all three women. I hope each one knows they have a piece of my heart, now and forever.
Sending love and HOPE,
~Scar
My Hubs Mom, post number 11 of gratefulness.
I met her when I was 16. It was a huge family party. Easter I think or maybe it was his little sister's birthday, either way, all parties in that family were huge and they have just gotten bigger as the kids have had many of their own kids. I don't remember which party was first. I was scared. Who wouldn't be scared? I had heard things about my boyfriend's family. Good things, but none the less I didn't know if I would hold up to what I thought were some pretty strict standards. I laugh now, because it was just me. People put themselves through so much when they think they are being judged. What I didn't know then was, my boyfriend really loved me and no matter what, they would love me too. We also had a very strong bond, we share a love; the boy.
So over the years his mom and I have come to be close and good friends. I am grateful for the relationship my husband and his mom have, this enabled us to have a strong start to our relationship. I am grateful she has always been there for my husband. Among many other times, the most important was my surgery . My in laws drove to Milwaukee to be there for the Hubs, well and for me. It was great, between my mom and his parents I didn't worry he wouldn't have an outlet, if needed. They also stayed the night and made sure everything was good with me the next day before they headed home. They came back somewhere in the middle of my stay. At least I think they did. I was on so many drugs, it's amazing I remember anything from that period of time. Must be the PTSD that makes me remember?
We don't get to see them as much as we used to, that's a lot to do with me. I am not up to being out and about as much as I used to. My first priority has always been my kids and then family, well ultimately God, Hubs, Kids then family. But now after the kids are taken care of, I don't have much left in me to share with others. She understands, I am sure there is disappointment but she does well not making me feel guilty. There are some people that would make you feel guilty for how many times I have had to back out of things, but not her. For that I am grateful. My heart is still in the right place, my body just fails me more times than I can count, or would like to admit. So this post, I hope, shows I am grateful for one of the two mommies I inherited from my hubby. Happy Mother's Day mom!
~Scar
So over the years his mom and I have come to be close and good friends. I am grateful for the relationship my husband and his mom have, this enabled us to have a strong start to our relationship. I am grateful she has always been there for my husband. Among many other times, the most important was my surgery . My in laws drove to Milwaukee to be there for the Hubs, well and for me. It was great, between my mom and his parents I didn't worry he wouldn't have an outlet, if needed. They also stayed the night and made sure everything was good with me the next day before they headed home. They came back somewhere in the middle of my stay. At least I think they did. I was on so many drugs, it's amazing I remember anything from that period of time. Must be the PTSD that makes me remember?
We don't get to see them as much as we used to, that's a lot to do with me. I am not up to being out and about as much as I used to. My first priority has always been my kids and then family, well ultimately God, Hubs, Kids then family. But now after the kids are taken care of, I don't have much left in me to share with others. She understands, I am sure there is disappointment but she does well not making me feel guilty. There are some people that would make you feel guilty for how many times I have had to back out of things, but not her. For that I am grateful. My heart is still in the right place, my body just fails me more times than I can count, or would like to admit. So this post, I hope, shows I am grateful for one of the two mommies I inherited from my hubby. Happy Mother's Day mom!
~Scar
Sunday, May 12, 2013
My Mommy, Post number 10 of gratefulness
This post is going to be hard to write, not because she is hard to write about, but because there is so much love and admiration for this woman. This one is about my Mom, fitting as it is Mother's Day. This lady has been there for me every step of the way. She was my rock growing up. I was a tough child in the sense I always needed her to be around. I would have major meltdowns if she wanted to go out for a night. She didn't do it often, I was told my meltdowns worked. For me that is. :)
I am so grateful for her, both now and then. She has helped me through this cancer thing like no one else could have. After I told my husband the news, I told her. She held me that day as if I was a baby and told me things were going to be okay. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights she has had because of me. I feel bad for that. But I am so thankful that she loves me that much. I know some people don't have great relationships, well even good for that matter, with their mom. I am lucky, because our relationship has just become stronger as I have gotten older.
My mom is also a cancer survivor, she had breast cancer when I was quite young. She is my hero. Knowing how I felt during my radiation treatments, and thinking she also had radiation blows my mind. My kids were older than I was when she was being treated. I think I was 3 and my sister was 4. Can you imagine that? Oh my, this woman has some sort of super hero strength about her. It is amazing.
So today on Mother's Day, I want to take a moment and thank my mom for being there for me. She was my personal cheerleader. I remember picking her up on our way to Milwaukee and she gets into the truck and first apologized that she had coffee and I didn't. (I was NPO and the day before was clear liquids only, so coffee and I did not get to bond.) Then she pulled out a scripture stating all things were going to be okay. I have that little note tucked away in my cancer box. For some odd reason her telling me that she was finally okay with what was going on made me calm. I hated her worrying for me. That was a terrifying road trip. That was the day my physical life changed for ever. I am so glad I had my mom there holding my hand and also being there for my Hubs, if he needed it. She wouldn't push him to talk, but if he felt like he wanted to talk, I am sure he knew she was there.
As most of you know, things are better. I am in remission and I keep moving forward on my progress. I may never be the same person again, and that's okay. Because, I know it sounds childish, I have my mom. A couple of weeks ago, I had a set back emotionally. I tried hiding it from her. Every time we talked I just said I was fine. Then one day I called her, I let it all out. She said two words that changed everything. I understand. That was all I needed, was someone understood. I didn't need comforting, I didn't need to hear things will be fine. Everything sucked at that moment and she said the right thing. She understood. Like a blink of an eye, I could handle all the stress again. Like I had posted that day, nothing has changed, I just could handle it once again.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love you so very much and am grateful for you!
I am so grateful for her, both now and then. She has helped me through this cancer thing like no one else could have. After I told my husband the news, I told her. She held me that day as if I was a baby and told me things were going to be okay. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights she has had because of me. I feel bad for that. But I am so thankful that she loves me that much. I know some people don't have great relationships, well even good for that matter, with their mom. I am lucky, because our relationship has just become stronger as I have gotten older.
My mom is also a cancer survivor, she had breast cancer when I was quite young. She is my hero. Knowing how I felt during my radiation treatments, and thinking she also had radiation blows my mind. My kids were older than I was when she was being treated. I think I was 3 and my sister was 4. Can you imagine that? Oh my, this woman has some sort of super hero strength about her. It is amazing.
So today on Mother's Day, I want to take a moment and thank my mom for being there for me. She was my personal cheerleader. I remember picking her up on our way to Milwaukee and she gets into the truck and first apologized that she had coffee and I didn't. (I was NPO and the day before was clear liquids only, so coffee and I did not get to bond.) Then she pulled out a scripture stating all things were going to be okay. I have that little note tucked away in my cancer box. For some odd reason her telling me that she was finally okay with what was going on made me calm. I hated her worrying for me. That was a terrifying road trip. That was the day my physical life changed for ever. I am so glad I had my mom there holding my hand and also being there for my Hubs, if he needed it. She wouldn't push him to talk, but if he felt like he wanted to talk, I am sure he knew she was there.
As most of you know, things are better. I am in remission and I keep moving forward on my progress. I may never be the same person again, and that's okay. Because, I know it sounds childish, I have my mom. A couple of weeks ago, I had a set back emotionally. I tried hiding it from her. Every time we talked I just said I was fine. Then one day I called her, I let it all out. She said two words that changed everything. I understand. That was all I needed, was someone understood. I didn't need comforting, I didn't need to hear things will be fine. Everything sucked at that moment and she said the right thing. She understood. Like a blink of an eye, I could handle all the stress again. Like I had posted that day, nothing has changed, I just could handle it once again.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love you so very much and am grateful for you!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Post number 9
Just fair warning, this lady is a bit snarky today. Ima try and write a positive blog and thank someone but be forewarned that if it doesn't come out smooth, it wasn't me. ~ kinda like Shaggy.
Okay, so I watched Safe Haven yesterday and I cried. Not because everyone was safe at the end and because they found true love but because that shit resonated with me. I wrote those letters. Well, I still have to write the one to his next wife. I was saving that one. It's in my head. Very similar to what Jo wrote to Katie. "If you are reading this, it means he loves you." Yep, that did it, tears. Jo is a fictional character, I am not. I know exactly those feelings, I had / have them. We have talked about what would happen if I die. I also know my husband sometimes too well. I know if I were to pass, he would have a hard time moving on. He wouldn't know what to do with himself. He would wrap himself in work and maybe for a short time push the people he loves most; out. He would put on a brave face and say he was fine. He would smile and laugh, but it would be a show. Yes, he would eventually move on. He would have to. I know it is in him. But what I am almost most sure about, he wouldn't try and find love again.
Do I want him to find love again. Well of course. I want him to find someone that I know will love him as much as I love him, he deserves it. I also want her to be the mother of our children, never the step-mom. Once I am gone, if he chooses her, she has every right to fill my shoes. No, she will not replace me. But I want her to be accepted with open loving arms from everyone, especially our kids. She is going to help them remember me. Eventually memories fade, I count on her to keep them alive. She needs to be strong enough to understand my children and husband love me and may never "get over it." But in that, she also needs to know she wouldn't be here if they all didn't love her. He sees something in her that tells him she will be what I no longer can be for him.
Okay, abrupt ending, but enough with the heavy. I am thankful today for my husband. I love him with all of my heart and would not be where I am today without him. Someday soon, I will finish part two of our ten year anniversary post. I relive it while writing, it's very taxing to go back there. But someday, it will be done. Sending love and HOPE,
~Scar
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
May 7th
Well, I am on my seventh post of gratefulness. I must admit this writing every day is going to be tough. I like it, but sometimes I struggle with what to write about. This is one of those days. I have started many posts about different people that I want to thank and show my gratitude to. The posts are not flowing as they usually do, therefore I have not found the right thing to be thankful for today... I got it. Murphy.
I am so thankful for my little feline. He is not a normal cat by any means. He is very skittish. He does not like loud noises. He hates being picked up. He only wants to be pet when he finds you. He is not supposed to be alive. You see he has a major heart murmur. Before I got sick with cancer I was told he wouldn't live past four years old. He will be seven in August. (I am not superstitious, but I did just knock on wood!)
I don't know if he is a freak of nature or what the deal is with him. All I know is he is mine and he loves me. When I had to sleep on the couch (after surgery for almost 3 months), he would creep up to me and cozy himself into a deep sleep. He did this every night. He would lay down around 11 and stay put until at least 4. It was such a loving gesture he shared with me, none of which he shares with anyone else. Now, if I get up in the middle of the night, he follows me back to bed and cozies up against my stomach and sleeps until I move.
I am grateful he has lived through the years that I thought he wouldn't. I know I would not have been able to handle his passing while I was being treated. At some point I know our luck with him is going to end and he will no longer be here with us on this earth. But until then, this is my miracle cat that came out of his shell to show me how much he loved me. He will forever be the best cat in the world!
I am so thankful for my little feline. He is not a normal cat by any means. He is very skittish. He does not like loud noises. He hates being picked up. He only wants to be pet when he finds you. He is not supposed to be alive. You see he has a major heart murmur. Before I got sick with cancer I was told he wouldn't live past four years old. He will be seven in August. (I am not superstitious, but I did just knock on wood!)
I don't know if he is a freak of nature or what the deal is with him. All I know is he is mine and he loves me. When I had to sleep on the couch (after surgery for almost 3 months), he would creep up to me and cozy himself into a deep sleep. He did this every night. He would lay down around 11 and stay put until at least 4. It was such a loving gesture he shared with me, none of which he shares with anyone else. Now, if I get up in the middle of the night, he follows me back to bed and cozies up against my stomach and sleeps until I move.
I am grateful he has lived through the years that I thought he wouldn't. I know I would not have been able to handle his passing while I was being treated. At some point I know our luck with him is going to end and he will no longer be here with us on this earth. But until then, this is my miracle cat that came out of his shell to show me how much he loved me. He will forever be the best cat in the world!
Murphy on the left, Kaly on the right. Brother and Sister.
Monday, May 6, 2013
May 6th, Happy Day!!!
Part of me is waiting for the floor to fall out from underneath me. SHHHHHHH! Don't jinx it. Don't tell me to just accept the goodness. Cuz, Lordy, I do accept and someday again I will expect it. But today is another good day, which I am thankful for.
So I was thinking I would wake up this morning and hurt bad from the bike ride last night. Guess what? Nope I feel great. I think I found what I need to do. Got 20 pounds till my goal weight and once they switched my meds I stopped losing weight. Yes, that part was good, because now I am getting the nutrients that I need. But the inner me was like "come on Doc, can't I just wait and take the old ones that don't work until I get to goal." No, no, I know, nutrients are good. You need them, YO!
Not only did I wake up well and feel good, I had a fabulous coffee / tea date with a favorite friend and her son (he's only 9 months and is ADORBS!!!). I was bummed last week cuz I found out they are moving out of state, but I am not going to dwell on this fact. This is a good gig for her and her family so we are just gonna celebrate it. So today's blog is about her. We will leave her nameless, but there are so many reasons why I am thankful for this chic.
We met in college. (Well my second round and I guess hers too. I was working on my Bachelor's and she was working on her Master's.) Any who we shared two classes together and guess what? She approached me to study with. I still think back to that day and think oh Lord this girl has no idea who she wants to study with. lol I didn't give myself enough credit back then. I was on the Dean's list but still felt the Proffs must have been smoking something when they were grading my papers. But I digress.
So we shared an education class and an Environmental Science discussion class. It was awesome. So I love her because she is just one of the best personal cheer leaders I could have asked for. We had to do a presentation in class and I led the most of it for my group. She totally praised my mad talking and attention getting skills. Well her mad cheer skills have continued through my journey of cancer. She has driven me all over half the state getting treatments. I owe this chick a lot. She will never ask for the pay back, but I would in a heart beat.
I love that we have come to know each other very well. Our friendship so could have ended when we both ended that semester. We both transferred to different schools. So when you have a family (me) and trying to work on your Master's and start a family (her) things (life) get in the way. But I cannot tell you how blessed I am that we are still friends and we have weathered walking different paths. So my dear if you are reading this know I truly appreciate the friendship you bring to me. I love you immensely I wish you and your family so much love and goodness in your move. Just always remember this is home and "you can always return home." Thank you for your constant support in all of my issues. Not many can truly understand my need for perfection. I appreciate your words of wisdom telling me I am good regardless. I love you!!!!!
Sending Love and HOPE~Scar
So I was thinking I would wake up this morning and hurt bad from the bike ride last night. Guess what? Nope I feel great. I think I found what I need to do. Got 20 pounds till my goal weight and once they switched my meds I stopped losing weight. Yes, that part was good, because now I am getting the nutrients that I need. But the inner me was like "come on Doc, can't I just wait and take the old ones that don't work until I get to goal." No, no, I know, nutrients are good. You need them, YO!
Not only did I wake up well and feel good, I had a fabulous coffee / tea date with a favorite friend and her son (he's only 9 months and is ADORBS!!!). I was bummed last week cuz I found out they are moving out of state, but I am not going to dwell on this fact. This is a good gig for her and her family so we are just gonna celebrate it. So today's blog is about her. We will leave her nameless, but there are so many reasons why I am thankful for this chic.
We met in college. (Well my second round and I guess hers too. I was working on my Bachelor's and she was working on her Master's.) Any who we shared two classes together and guess what? She approached me to study with. I still think back to that day and think oh Lord this girl has no idea who she wants to study with. lol I didn't give myself enough credit back then. I was on the Dean's list but still felt the Proffs must have been smoking something when they were grading my papers. But I digress.
So we shared an education class and an Environmental Science discussion class. It was awesome. So I love her because she is just one of the best personal cheer leaders I could have asked for. We had to do a presentation in class and I led the most of it for my group. She totally praised my mad talking and attention getting skills. Well her mad cheer skills have continued through my journey of cancer. She has driven me all over half the state getting treatments. I owe this chick a lot. She will never ask for the pay back, but I would in a heart beat.
I love that we have come to know each other very well. Our friendship so could have ended when we both ended that semester. We both transferred to different schools. So when you have a family (me) and trying to work on your Master's and start a family (her) things (life) get in the way. But I cannot tell you how blessed I am that we are still friends and we have weathered walking different paths. So my dear if you are reading this know I truly appreciate the friendship you bring to me. I love you immensely I wish you and your family so much love and goodness in your move. Just always remember this is home and "you can always return home." Thank you for your constant support in all of my issues. Not many can truly understand my need for perfection. I appreciate your words of wisdom telling me I am good regardless. I love you!!!!!
Sending Love and HOPE~Scar
Sunday, May 5, 2013
5th post, 5th of May.
Today I am thankful and grateful for wonderful weather. It was over 70 today. We accomplished a ton. We visited Tailwaggers Doggy Daycare in Little Chute, where we received a personal tour. It was perfect. The kids had a blast. I locked them in the big dog over night kennel. he he he he. They got out. Notice they are all smiling. Guess I didn't scare them.
After we were done at Doggy Daycare, we came home. I took a glorious nap. I haven't been able to nap for over a week, I have tried and I have been way over tired. The middle child and I went to the store after my nap. We ran into everyone and their brother while we were shopping. After, we had a barbecue and picnic dinner. While Hubs was cooking, I spread mulch around the newly planted roses and added dirt to the main flower bed. After dinner the Girl and I went for a bike ride. Today was heavenly. I am just plain grateful for this day.
Sending Love and HOPE,
~Scar
Saturday, May 4, 2013
May the 4th be with you. :)
This post is not just about one person. This is about a community. I hope you sometime in your life get the chance to be a part of this type of community. I hope you are not on the receiving end of it. Not because you don't deserve the help, but because the event that happens to be on the receiving end sucks! This community I am talking about is my children's school. Everyone; the staff, parents, principal and kids. Oh my, what a humbling experience.
When I was in the hospital in Milwaukee, my Hubs passed along a message. "The school had their PTO meeting and you were brought up." I was like me, what did I do? I didn't even go this month, ha ha. He explained they revealed in the meeting that I had cancer and had surgery last week. They were looking for ways to join forces and be there for us. It was led by a couple, who I adore. They are extremely giving people. Our oldest boys are very close. But still that connection never prepared me for their generosity. They organized a month of meals. Really!!!?????!!!!! What the what? You are gonna feed my family for a month? WOW! (That was just the tip, there was so much more!)
So we went on line at the hospital and looked at who had signed up already. I was humbled numerous times. Many of the parents and teachers had either had my kids or my kids were friends with them, then there were many others that didn't even know who we were, yet were so willing to do this for us. I cannot tell you. I cried and hard. I mean come on, the filled the calendar for a whole month. If you have ever tried to organize something, filling a month of volunteers is hard. Guess what? They all also came through, no one skipped out. They were there for us!
One day a teacher, a very special math teacher, brought the kids dinner, I was in the hospital in Green Bay for this dinner, but she went out of her way to ask each of my kids what they wanted for dinner. They all agreed Chinese food, but their requests would have made the faint of heart turn and say no. She didn't, she got them each their weird requests. My kids were so happy that night. They called me to tell me. This woman deserves a medal, she is an awesome woman. I am blessed to have her there at the school. Still to this day she makes me smile. I appreciate her.
A lot of the food that was provided were things I couldn't eat yet. My body rejected so much in the beginning, and I never knew what I could eat. That didn't stop families from asking and then providing. Also,red dye is out for my youngest son, and everyone knew, thanks to the parents that organized the dinners. It never came in this house. I cannot tell you how awesome that was. We are so blessed!
There were also so many parents and teachers that sent gift certificates on their own after the month was done. I was never expecting that. It was so generous of them all. I hope they all read this and know I never took any of that love and generosity for granted. If at any time any of you need anything, please call me. I will make you dinner. I will love your kids... Speaking of loving my kids. Once I was out and about, I ran into a teacher and she didn't have my kids but made it a point to hug up on my kids every chance she got. Actually I know more than one teacher at that school did that. I am crying right now thinking about how much love and support they got while we were busy taking care of me. It truly does take a village to raise kids and I am BLESSED the village we fell into stepped up to the plate and made a difference for my family. Thank you, I am forever grateful for each and every one of you!!!!!
Sending love and HOPE ~Scar
My children~May Grateful Post #3
Maybe if I have it in me I will write one about each one of them individually. But for now, this is a lump sum of gratefulness.
As some know, I have three children. They are Boy, 13; Girl, almost 11; and Boy, almost 9. So when all of this cancer stuff started they were all two years younger. You can do the math, right? Kay. So the whole ordeal of having to tell them I had cancer was not fun. We originally did not tell them. We did however tell them I had to have a major surgery and I wouldn't see them for a long period of time. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I was confident they would be fine and would taken care of, but oh my, if I ever left them it was never more than two nights. I just didn't want to do that. So thinking I would be gone anywhere from 5 days up to a month was really scary. I wished I could tell them before how long I was going to be gone and when for sure I would be back. I'm being honest when I say, I wondered if saying goodbye to them would really be good bye or just see you later.
So how did they help me through this? There are so many ways. Just being the little kids they were was a major plus. I needed them to be as normal as possible, that would be the best. I wrote them letters to open every morning and every night. I wrote about 5 days worth for each kid. So about 30 letters. Then the morning we were to leave, I was up around 12 and the Hubs was ready. So I decided I would take a stack of post it notes and leave I love you notes all over the house. I still have three in the bathroom that were stuck to the mirror. I don't have the heart to take them down. I don't know if they even remember they are from then. But I went through a red stack and a yellow one. By the time I was done, the house was littered with I love you notes. These notes very well could have been my last form of communication with them, so I wanted it to be over the top.
Thank God, that was not our last form of communication. The first time I got to talk to them was the second afternoon after I was out of ICU. I could hardly talk, I was tired. I had physical therapy that day and had done my laps, so I was worn out. But I remember listening to them talk to me. That did it. I didn't care what I had to do, I was getting home. So many complications, but eventually I made it home.
Even though they did not come to see me, they sent me letters.(The Hubs and my mom traveled back and forth every two to three days to switch off taking care of the kids and being there for me.) I have each one they sent me. I will forever keep them in my keepsake box. Trying to figure out how to still be mom once I was home was hard. I don't even know how to describe this, but I think I was home for a couple of days before I ended back in the hospital with a life threatening infection. This happened three times, each time was harder on them. But each time, they reminded me why I needed to be home with them.
These kids are awesome, I don't remember any of them crying for me. I know they each were trying to be strong little soldiers for me. It breaks my heart looking back, they must have been so scared. Who wouldn't be. Their mom had cancer and everyone knows the connotation that comes with that word. It sucks. Again, they were soldiers. They trucked on in this very emotional time. One of my favorite things was when they would come home from school and yell, mom (now they didn't have to yell, I was in the next room and could hear everything) we are home, and we love you. Also, while doing homework they would crawl in next to me, whether I was on the couch or in my bed and they would do their daily reading to me. I think I fell asleep almost every time, but it was so worth those 20 mins of one on one time that we each shared. They also took the parent role and tucked me into bed every night. This happened until I was able to walk up and down the stairs to tuck them in myself.
Their spirit and child like love is what made me get through. I love them to pieces. They are truly worth living for. I will fight this nasty thing until the end no matter what. I will always fight and it's because of them. I won't give in or up. I love you my beautiful's!
Sending love and HOPE ~ Scar
As some know, I have three children. They are Boy, 13; Girl, almost 11; and Boy, almost 9. So when all of this cancer stuff started they were all two years younger. You can do the math, right? Kay. So the whole ordeal of having to tell them I had cancer was not fun. We originally did not tell them. We did however tell them I had to have a major surgery and I wouldn't see them for a long period of time. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I was confident they would be fine and would taken care of, but oh my, if I ever left them it was never more than two nights. I just didn't want to do that. So thinking I would be gone anywhere from 5 days up to a month was really scary. I wished I could tell them before how long I was going to be gone and when for sure I would be back. I'm being honest when I say, I wondered if saying goodbye to them would really be good bye or just see you later.
So how did they help me through this? There are so many ways. Just being the little kids they were was a major plus. I needed them to be as normal as possible, that would be the best. I wrote them letters to open every morning and every night. I wrote about 5 days worth for each kid. So about 30 letters. Then the morning we were to leave, I was up around 12 and the Hubs was ready. So I decided I would take a stack of post it notes and leave I love you notes all over the house. I still have three in the bathroom that were stuck to the mirror. I don't have the heart to take them down. I don't know if they even remember they are from then. But I went through a red stack and a yellow one. By the time I was done, the house was littered with I love you notes. These notes very well could have been my last form of communication with them, so I wanted it to be over the top.
Thank God, that was not our last form of communication. The first time I got to talk to them was the second afternoon after I was out of ICU. I could hardly talk, I was tired. I had physical therapy that day and had done my laps, so I was worn out. But I remember listening to them talk to me. That did it. I didn't care what I had to do, I was getting home. So many complications, but eventually I made it home.
Even though they did not come to see me, they sent me letters.(The Hubs and my mom traveled back and forth every two to three days to switch off taking care of the kids and being there for me.) I have each one they sent me. I will forever keep them in my keepsake box. Trying to figure out how to still be mom once I was home was hard. I don't even know how to describe this, but I think I was home for a couple of days before I ended back in the hospital with a life threatening infection. This happened three times, each time was harder on them. But each time, they reminded me why I needed to be home with them.
These kids are awesome, I don't remember any of them crying for me. I know they each were trying to be strong little soldiers for me. It breaks my heart looking back, they must have been so scared. Who wouldn't be. Their mom had cancer and everyone knows the connotation that comes with that word. It sucks. Again, they were soldiers. They trucked on in this very emotional time. One of my favorite things was when they would come home from school and yell, mom (now they didn't have to yell, I was in the next room and could hear everything) we are home, and we love you. Also, while doing homework they would crawl in next to me, whether I was on the couch or in my bed and they would do their daily reading to me. I think I fell asleep almost every time, but it was so worth those 20 mins of one on one time that we each shared. They also took the parent role and tucked me into bed every night. This happened until I was able to walk up and down the stairs to tuck them in myself.
Their spirit and child like love is what made me get through. I love them to pieces. They are truly worth living for. I will fight this nasty thing until the end no matter what. I will always fight and it's because of them. I won't give in or up. I love you my beautiful's!
Sending love and HOPE ~ Scar
Thursday, May 2, 2013
A tribute... May 2nd, 2013
Connections come in all shapes, forms, colors, sexes and sizes. Some can happen without out much warning, some take years to develop.The one I am writing about today formed before my dreaded diagnosis of cancer. I realized I had a connection with her far before then, I am grateful we connected before I found out. In the simplest form, people say I look like her. I do. However, our bond intensified once I found out. This topic of connections has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. Because connections come in all shapes and sizes, it shouldn't have surprised me that ours would be so strong.
My Aunt, such a beautiful woman. Her spirit was so full. Her eyes sparkled when she laughed like no one I have ever known. I so wish we didn't share this. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years before I was diagnosed with pancreas cancer. By the time I was diagnosed, she was in remission. Although they were completely different cancers, we were both subjected to very similar experiences; surgery, chemo and radiation. It was bittersweet to lean on her when I had very limited access to people who have gone through this.
I feel horrible saying this, but she battled through her cancer with my love and support, but I was at a loss to be able to give her the amount of compassion she needed. After she was done with treatment she didn't seem to bounce back the way I thought she should. Mind you, a lot of people do not understand how affected someone is, forever, once they have been diagnosed with cancer. Hell once you are faced with a disease that is life threatening things change. Even if you by some miraculous miracle find out it was a false alarm, everything changes. Above and beyond the news, you cannot put all that nasty radiation in your body and don't forget those wonderful cocktails called chemo, without doing some long term damage. I am living proof.
Once I was diagnosed with cancer she was one of my biggest allies. She sent weekly letters or cards. Each one I still have. They were so encouraging. When we would get together for Bunco nights, I would go early to talk to her. I remember one evening I was doing horrible, I felt bad, it was an over the top shitty day. I didn't want to leave, but I needed to talk to her. I knew she would give me something anything to make it go away. Little did I know the message that night was to "suck it up buttercup, life's a bitch!" I was crying when I was telling her how bad things were going at that moment and when she said those words to me everything stopped. I started laughing, so did she. It was exactly what I needed.I don't know how she knew what to say or even how it was the right thing, but I could always could count on her.
Our last girls trip together was in October of 2011. We went to Land O' Lakes. I looked forward to this trip, like all moms do when they get a few moments away. This trip was different. I was going to escape cancer. I was still in treatment and it was going to be rough. But I worked out a plan with the doctor to give me an extra week in between treatments. I think at that moment when I bargained with him for that extra week, he knew I was so done that if I would have asked for some ridiculous thing, he would have given it to me. He understood I needed to feel normal for a weekend, hell I had been in treatment since surgery in January so we were on 10 months of that. I NEEDED a vacation. So I went with the "ol' Ladies" on their girls trip. It was awesome.
On a warm day we went to Bond Falls to hike. My aunt and I joked that we wouldn't make it far, but at least we both understood the obstacles we each endured. The miracle of that day...we both climbed the stairs to the top of the water fall. No big fete to many, but for us it was a HUGE accomplishment! I will always remember her smile and laughter when we made it up there. Those eyes sparkled. We walked back down together. My mom and other aunt kept going up. As we were walking she told me she admired my courage. I was like lady, I admire yours. We each saw things in each other that I can't describe. It was another awesome connection, that will forever be between the two of us, for that I am grateful.
We lost my Aunt on October 26th, 2012. A little more than a year after our girls trip. She had a recurrence of cancer. It wasn't breast, it was much worse. It was found in her blood. She fought till the end. She was so courageous. The love she shared with people while she was dying was amazing. I remember walking into her hospital room one night and she could hardly speak. But the words she was trying to get out were this. "Make sure you make them keep you healthy. Don't let them say you are fine. Always push for them to keep you good. Don't give up." Oh my, this woman was nearing the end and we all knew it but instead of worrying about herself, she told me to stay healthy. I love her so much and I miss her more than words could ever express. I hate that cancer took her away, but I'm so very glad I've learned so much from this woman. She will forever be a HERO in my book. I am grateful for the time I have gotten to know her. I am blessed.
My Aunt, such a beautiful woman. Her spirit was so full. Her eyes sparkled when she laughed like no one I have ever known. I so wish we didn't share this. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years before I was diagnosed with pancreas cancer. By the time I was diagnosed, she was in remission. Although they were completely different cancers, we were both subjected to very similar experiences; surgery, chemo and radiation. It was bittersweet to lean on her when I had very limited access to people who have gone through this.
I feel horrible saying this, but she battled through her cancer with my love and support, but I was at a loss to be able to give her the amount of compassion she needed. After she was done with treatment she didn't seem to bounce back the way I thought she should. Mind you, a lot of people do not understand how affected someone is, forever, once they have been diagnosed with cancer. Hell once you are faced with a disease that is life threatening things change. Even if you by some miraculous miracle find out it was a false alarm, everything changes. Above and beyond the news, you cannot put all that nasty radiation in your body and don't forget those wonderful cocktails called chemo, without doing some long term damage. I am living proof.
Once I was diagnosed with cancer she was one of my biggest allies. She sent weekly letters or cards. Each one I still have. They were so encouraging. When we would get together for Bunco nights, I would go early to talk to her. I remember one evening I was doing horrible, I felt bad, it was an over the top shitty day. I didn't want to leave, but I needed to talk to her. I knew she would give me something anything to make it go away. Little did I know the message that night was to "suck it up buttercup, life's a bitch!" I was crying when I was telling her how bad things were going at that moment and when she said those words to me everything stopped. I started laughing, so did she. It was exactly what I needed.I don't know how she knew what to say or even how it was the right thing, but I could always could count on her.
Our last girls trip together was in October of 2011. We went to Land O' Lakes. I looked forward to this trip, like all moms do when they get a few moments away. This trip was different. I was going to escape cancer. I was still in treatment and it was going to be rough. But I worked out a plan with the doctor to give me an extra week in between treatments. I think at that moment when I bargained with him for that extra week, he knew I was so done that if I would have asked for some ridiculous thing, he would have given it to me. He understood I needed to feel normal for a weekend, hell I had been in treatment since surgery in January so we were on 10 months of that. I NEEDED a vacation. So I went with the "ol' Ladies" on their girls trip. It was awesome.
On a warm day we went to Bond Falls to hike. My aunt and I joked that we wouldn't make it far, but at least we both understood the obstacles we each endured. The miracle of that day...we both climbed the stairs to the top of the water fall. No big fete to many, but for us it was a HUGE accomplishment! I will always remember her smile and laughter when we made it up there. Those eyes sparkled. We walked back down together. My mom and other aunt kept going up. As we were walking she told me she admired my courage. I was like lady, I admire yours. We each saw things in each other that I can't describe. It was another awesome connection, that will forever be between the two of us, for that I am grateful.
We lost my Aunt on October 26th, 2012. A little more than a year after our girls trip. She had a recurrence of cancer. It wasn't breast, it was much worse. It was found in her blood. She fought till the end. She was so courageous. The love she shared with people while she was dying was amazing. I remember walking into her hospital room one night and she could hardly speak. But the words she was trying to get out were this. "Make sure you make them keep you healthy. Don't let them say you are fine. Always push for them to keep you good. Don't give up." Oh my, this woman was nearing the end and we all knew it but instead of worrying about herself, she told me to stay healthy. I love her so much and I miss her more than words could ever express. I hate that cancer took her away, but I'm so very glad I've learned so much from this woman. She will forever be a HERO in my book. I am grateful for the time I have gotten to know her. I am blessed.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Andy Anderson May 1, 2013
Just a reminder, these posts are not in any certain order. I owe so much to so many. To place a number to any of them would be ridiculous! They all have helped me in so many ways.
**Names have been changed. She will know who she is.**
Background: Andy Anderson and I met in high school. For some reason we hit it off immediately This boggles me, she and I were and are complete opposites. That said, I love this chick. I would give her my life. I would take a bullet for her. I know she would for me, you know how I know this. She told me she would take the cancer for me. I remember this. I don't remember everything during that time, however, I do remember her compassion and understanding while when we talked. I digress. Back in the day... Our now husbands are very close, that is how we met. We would do so much as just the four of us, party, drink, drive fast, watch races, watch fights, laugh, you name it we did it. We were tight.
In our relationship our friendship had some hard times, we almost didn't make it. But our bond was one that took the beating and came out on the other side stronger than I could have imagined. We joke about that time, now. So how did she help me through this you ask?
When I told her I had cancer, she was shocked. She did the routine that most people did. Let me know what you need, I'll be there. I was like yeah, yeah, it's not gonna be that bad. We'll be all good. Famous last words, right? Well I wasn't good. I was terrible. Life sucked. She was there though. I laugh when I think of how she says she wasn't. If she only knew, maybe after tonight she will understand the amount she truly helped me! Here's an example. I didn't call anyone after my surgery. It took so much to talk. It was exhausting. It hurt like hell just to breathe, add talking and it was a down hill slope to more pain meds. Speaking of pain meds, I was advised not to talk to too many people while taking the drugs I was on. Apparently you think you are making sense and the reality is you don't, at all! So the less I talked, the better.
She would call me, almost weekly. She would always ask the questions... How are you? How do you feel? What do you need? How can I help? What's new? What's changing? How's chemo? How many left? All those are legitimate questions, she just wanted to know. So I answered them the best I could. There was one however that I never could answer, I riled her up by not knowing this one. What is your number at? (My Ca-19-9, Tumor marker) I never knew when she called. Not because I didn't want to know, but because it was usually the day I would have chemo and I wouldn't find out until the next day or a week later when I went in to have another lovely cocktail. She held her cool, until a couple of weeks ago and then told me she was mad I never knew. I love her for that. This girl is honest. Doesn't matter the stakes, she tells you how it is and oh my GAWDs, she does it respectfully. (to me anyway, lol)
During those calls, I started out only lasting 5 mins or so on the phone; if that. She knew when it was time to say goodbye. She made it a regular to call me. She never let me ask about her, she wanted it to be about me. She made me know she LOVES me. I also remember a not so pleasant conversation with her. I didn't call her to tell her I was having liver complications. I just didn't want to stress her out. I didn't know what the hell was going on. But my lovely husband told her lovely husband and then I got the call. I could hear the anger in her voice for not telling her myself. I truly was and am sorry for that. I just didn't want anything else to be wrong. I hated worrying her and everyone else. But again, she was there. Telling me she was there and if I needed anything, to call. I am so grateful for this woman in my life she truly is AMAZEBALLS!
So Andy Anderson, if I have not ever told you, or if I have... Ima say it again, I love you more than you know. I am grateful for all you have done for me. I cherish our friendship and look forward to being your right hand woman when you need someone to carry a baseball bat, cuz you know I would do that shit for you!
**Names have been changed. She will know who she is.**
Background: Andy Anderson and I met in high school. For some reason we hit it off immediately This boggles me, she and I were and are complete opposites. That said, I love this chick. I would give her my life. I would take a bullet for her. I know she would for me, you know how I know this. She told me she would take the cancer for me. I remember this. I don't remember everything during that time, however, I do remember her compassion and understanding while when we talked. I digress. Back in the day... Our now husbands are very close, that is how we met. We would do so much as just the four of us, party, drink, drive fast, watch races, watch fights, laugh, you name it we did it. We were tight.
In our relationship our friendship had some hard times, we almost didn't make it. But our bond was one that took the beating and came out on the other side stronger than I could have imagined. We joke about that time, now. So how did she help me through this you ask?
When I told her I had cancer, she was shocked. She did the routine that most people did. Let me know what you need, I'll be there. I was like yeah, yeah, it's not gonna be that bad. We'll be all good. Famous last words, right? Well I wasn't good. I was terrible. Life sucked. She was there though. I laugh when I think of how she says she wasn't. If she only knew, maybe after tonight she will understand the amount she truly helped me! Here's an example. I didn't call anyone after my surgery. It took so much to talk. It was exhausting. It hurt like hell just to breathe, add talking and it was a down hill slope to more pain meds. Speaking of pain meds, I was advised not to talk to too many people while taking the drugs I was on. Apparently you think you are making sense and the reality is you don't, at all! So the less I talked, the better.
She would call me, almost weekly. She would always ask the questions... How are you? How do you feel? What do you need? How can I help? What's new? What's changing? How's chemo? How many left? All those are legitimate questions, she just wanted to know. So I answered them the best I could. There was one however that I never could answer, I riled her up by not knowing this one. What is your number at? (My Ca-19-9, Tumor marker) I never knew when she called. Not because I didn't want to know, but because it was usually the day I would have chemo and I wouldn't find out until the next day or a week later when I went in to have another lovely cocktail. She held her cool, until a couple of weeks ago and then told me she was mad I never knew. I love her for that. This girl is honest. Doesn't matter the stakes, she tells you how it is and oh my GAWDs, she does it respectfully. (to me anyway, lol)
During those calls, I started out only lasting 5 mins or so on the phone; if that. She knew when it was time to say goodbye. She made it a regular to call me. She never let me ask about her, she wanted it to be about me. She made me know she LOVES me. I also remember a not so pleasant conversation with her. I didn't call her to tell her I was having liver complications. I just didn't want to stress her out. I didn't know what the hell was going on. But my lovely husband told her lovely husband and then I got the call. I could hear the anger in her voice for not telling her myself. I truly was and am sorry for that. I just didn't want anything else to be wrong. I hated worrying her and everyone else. But again, she was there. Telling me she was there and if I needed anything, to call. I am so grateful for this woman in my life she truly is AMAZEBALLS!
So Andy Anderson, if I have not ever told you, or if I have... Ima say it again, I love you more than you know. I am grateful for all you have done for me. I cherish our friendship and look forward to being your right hand woman when you need someone to carry a baseball bat, cuz you know I would do that shit for you!
Monday, April 1, 2013
April 20, 2011 (Part one)
So here goes a flashback: Part one
It was a Wednesday... April 20th, 2011. I was back in the hospital (yep, again). It was Easter weekend. I was upset. I was more upset because it was our anniversary. The BIG 10 years. It was an anniversary that I looked forward to from the day we got married. I know some people look at year 7 and think, whew, we made it. That is what I thought was going to be it for this one, I had so many expectations. All of a sudden it turned into, am I even going to make it through year ten to number eleven?
I remember riding in the van, head in a pink bucket, you know the ones right? They are rectangle, great for keeping to use later when you scrub floors? Yes, No? Anywho. Another trip to Green Bay. I was dying, or so I felt like it. It was almost two years ago, but I tell you those nightmares fade, but they don't go away and in an instant, they are back and bright. Everything hurt. I was at a point in my chemo when I would get deep muscle joint pains 24 hours after it was administered and then it would last for about a week. It was hell. Thank God for drugs. So every bump we went over was hell. Then I would dry heave. Oh man the headache. I look back and wonder what the other drivers thought as we raced by?
We sped. He would always have me there in almost 30 mins. A normal drive there should take 45 to 50 depending on traffic. I don't like it when he speeds, but when you don't know if you are going to make it, speeding is fine. I got over it. They were expecting us. They had a room for us. They asked if I needed a wheel chair? Nope, I am gonna walk myself up there. It's a pride thing. So I did. I was still dry heaving. It was hell.
We got to my room. They never could figure out where to put me. One time I was on the birthing floor, another I was on the first floor with just general admissions, this time I was on the geriatric floor. God, does this really mean I am dying this time? Please HELP me! The nurses were busy, so I sat in my chair and I rocked. Trying to find my zen. So hard this time. I was so sick. My temp was around 104 I was still dry heaving. And his look. God, I hate that look. It makes me cry. There's nothing he could do for me. I was here, but for how long. I had moments where I truly wanted to die. Just take me away. This pain and anguish is not what I signed up for. I didn't even want this damn cancer. I'll take it, but dammit, take the pain. It HURTS!
Finally the nurse came in. By now, I had the full on shakes. Nothing could warm me up. She said I needed to put on a gown, so we could get things started. I said I am not getting naked until I warm up. Something in her knew not to fight with me. She let me climb in bed with all my clothes on plus my jacket. She sterilized my port site and stuck me. She didn't have orders yet for pain meds, she would have them soon. I had to see the internist to get them though.
What was really about an hour felt like days. I was finally checked in. I had a CT scan scheduled for 11:30 that night. All I had to do was drink my drink and wait. I looked at my hubs and told him to go home. The kids were there. They would need him when they woke up. I didn't say good bye on my way out. My biggest regret in all of this. My youngest still wakes up at night just to look for me. He finds me in bed and then goes back to sleep. Ugh, just think, your six year old watching you die right in front of him. Nothing he can do. No words can make it better for him. It's his mom. It's me. No matter what I do, I cannot protect them from seeing me go through this. If it ever happens to you, say good bye in the middle of the night when you need to leave. They will miss you, but they will be prepared.
Hubs left, although, he wanted to stay. I worked on drinking my drink. I had to sip it. I vomited. Had to sip it, still. Right before 11:30, they came to get me. I vomited again. But thank God, a little was in me, enough to do the scan. Before we went, I finally changed into a gown. I still wore my sweatshirt, because the chills were still there. Did the scan. Threw up again. All of this because I had chemo. All of this because...I had an abscess inside that was getting worse. This was the third time I had been in because of this infection. They called the doctor for infection and disease control.
Let me tell you something... She was the nicest doctor. However, no matter how nice they are, it makes you feel pretty low when they hang a sign on your door saying they have to take MRSA precautions. No one may enter the room without being gowned and gloved. I couldn't leave the room anymore without also being gowned and gloved. I didn't have MRSA this time, (I did have MRSA in my nose when I had my surgery. I was treated and have been MRSA free ever since) but they weren't sure what the infection was, how bad it was, how it got there or how I might pass it along. So from that moment I was quarantined and felt like I was the plague. Looking back, I wasn't, they were just taking precautions. But come on... I had been through enough, and this I tell you was icing on the cake.
Finally somewhere around 1, the nurse came in and gave me pain meds. I was really happy for the joint pain to be going away, but was really upset the headache was in full force. So I got Tylenol for that, who knew? lol Guess what? I drifted off to sleep thinking my anniversary is today. It's Thursday April 21, 2011. Our ten year anniversary. I am in a hospital bed feeling like I am dying. What fun! Happy Freaking Anniversary!
Till Soon ~Scar
It was a Wednesday... April 20th, 2011. I was back in the hospital (yep, again). It was Easter weekend. I was upset. I was more upset because it was our anniversary. The BIG 10 years. It was an anniversary that I looked forward to from the day we got married. I know some people look at year 7 and think, whew, we made it. That is what I thought was going to be it for this one, I had so many expectations. All of a sudden it turned into, am I even going to make it through year ten to number eleven?
I remember riding in the van, head in a pink bucket, you know the ones right? They are rectangle, great for keeping to use later when you scrub floors? Yes, No? Anywho. Another trip to Green Bay. I was dying, or so I felt like it. It was almost two years ago, but I tell you those nightmares fade, but they don't go away and in an instant, they are back and bright. Everything hurt. I was at a point in my chemo when I would get deep muscle joint pains 24 hours after it was administered and then it would last for about a week. It was hell. Thank God for drugs. So every bump we went over was hell. Then I would dry heave. Oh man the headache. I look back and wonder what the other drivers thought as we raced by?
We sped. He would always have me there in almost 30 mins. A normal drive there should take 45 to 50 depending on traffic. I don't like it when he speeds, but when you don't know if you are going to make it, speeding is fine. I got over it. They were expecting us. They had a room for us. They asked if I needed a wheel chair? Nope, I am gonna walk myself up there. It's a pride thing. So I did. I was still dry heaving. It was hell.
We got to my room. They never could figure out where to put me. One time I was on the birthing floor, another I was on the first floor with just general admissions, this time I was on the geriatric floor. God, does this really mean I am dying this time? Please HELP me! The nurses were busy, so I sat in my chair and I rocked. Trying to find my zen. So hard this time. I was so sick. My temp was around 104 I was still dry heaving. And his look. God, I hate that look. It makes me cry. There's nothing he could do for me. I was here, but for how long. I had moments where I truly wanted to die. Just take me away. This pain and anguish is not what I signed up for. I didn't even want this damn cancer. I'll take it, but dammit, take the pain. It HURTS!
Finally the nurse came in. By now, I had the full on shakes. Nothing could warm me up. She said I needed to put on a gown, so we could get things started. I said I am not getting naked until I warm up. Something in her knew not to fight with me. She let me climb in bed with all my clothes on plus my jacket. She sterilized my port site and stuck me. She didn't have orders yet for pain meds, she would have them soon. I had to see the internist to get them though.
What was really about an hour felt like days. I was finally checked in. I had a CT scan scheduled for 11:30 that night. All I had to do was drink my drink and wait. I looked at my hubs and told him to go home. The kids were there. They would need him when they woke up. I didn't say good bye on my way out. My biggest regret in all of this. My youngest still wakes up at night just to look for me. He finds me in bed and then goes back to sleep. Ugh, just think, your six year old watching you die right in front of him. Nothing he can do. No words can make it better for him. It's his mom. It's me. No matter what I do, I cannot protect them from seeing me go through this. If it ever happens to you, say good bye in the middle of the night when you need to leave. They will miss you, but they will be prepared.
Hubs left, although, he wanted to stay. I worked on drinking my drink. I had to sip it. I vomited. Had to sip it, still. Right before 11:30, they came to get me. I vomited again. But thank God, a little was in me, enough to do the scan. Before we went, I finally changed into a gown. I still wore my sweatshirt, because the chills were still there. Did the scan. Threw up again. All of this because I had chemo. All of this because...I had an abscess inside that was getting worse. This was the third time I had been in because of this infection. They called the doctor for infection and disease control.
Let me tell you something... She was the nicest doctor. However, no matter how nice they are, it makes you feel pretty low when they hang a sign on your door saying they have to take MRSA precautions. No one may enter the room without being gowned and gloved. I couldn't leave the room anymore without also being gowned and gloved. I didn't have MRSA this time, (I did have MRSA in my nose when I had my surgery. I was treated and have been MRSA free ever since) but they weren't sure what the infection was, how bad it was, how it got there or how I might pass it along. So from that moment I was quarantined and felt like I was the plague. Looking back, I wasn't, they were just taking precautions. But come on... I had been through enough, and this I tell you was icing on the cake.
Finally somewhere around 1, the nurse came in and gave me pain meds. I was really happy for the joint pain to be going away, but was really upset the headache was in full force. So I got Tylenol for that, who knew? lol Guess what? I drifted off to sleep thinking my anniversary is today. It's Thursday April 21, 2011. Our ten year anniversary. I am in a hospital bed feeling like I am dying. What fun! Happy Freaking Anniversary!
Till Soon ~Scar
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Oncologist Check Up
Good Morning All,
So it's easier to write it in a blog than to have a page long post of my results from yesterday's 3 month check up.
Labs: Liver Function test came in at 209. Yes, this is high and still indicates my liver is not functioning correctly. A normal liver test should be under 100 for ALP and 55 for ALT and AST. I don't know what each of those means, I just know mine (all three are in the 200's) are elevated. This indicates I am still having issues. On the bright side is it is still down from the highest at 249. He says as of now, this is stable for me. The problem lies with my drainage tube in the liver. It is scarred and the inflammation in it prevents proper drainage. Nothing to be concerned about at this time. We will still check it every 3 months.
Other labs were good. I am always concerned with my glucose. Having half of my pancreas gone, I could become insulin dependent at any time. This lab is within normal range.
My Cancer Antigen won't be in for 48 hours, so when it gets posted, I will post.
We did talk about my exhaustion. He asked what I have been doing lately and he chuckled because I don't give myself enough credit. I still expect the world out of my body and it just can't keep up. First he said, it's not like you haven't been through hell. Give yourself some time. So he told me to rest when needed and push when I can. Lot of help that is. lol I appreciate his understanding, it keeps me from feeling crazy, but of course the person that I am makes it hard for me to accept this change. But, I will try. The truth is, I will continue to push. But I will work at being less hard on myself for needing the rest.
Pain wise, he says by feeling (I call it the push and wince test, where they push all over your body and ask if it hurts, I always say no, except for around my scar) around, I am getting better. I winced less than I have in the past.
All in all, a great visit. I love seeing him. He has a level of compassion that I have never encountered. We talk about the hubs and the kids. We talk about his wife and his children. He let me into his world, I appreciate that. He is not just my doctor, he is my angel.
So it's easier to write it in a blog than to have a page long post of my results from yesterday's 3 month check up.
Labs: Liver Function test came in at 209. Yes, this is high and still indicates my liver is not functioning correctly. A normal liver test should be under 100 for ALP and 55 for ALT and AST. I don't know what each of those means, I just know mine (all three are in the 200's) are elevated. This indicates I am still having issues. On the bright side is it is still down from the highest at 249. He says as of now, this is stable for me. The problem lies with my drainage tube in the liver. It is scarred and the inflammation in it prevents proper drainage. Nothing to be concerned about at this time. We will still check it every 3 months.
Other labs were good. I am always concerned with my glucose. Having half of my pancreas gone, I could become insulin dependent at any time. This lab is within normal range.
My Cancer Antigen won't be in for 48 hours, so when it gets posted, I will post.
We did talk about my exhaustion. He asked what I have been doing lately and he chuckled because I don't give myself enough credit. I still expect the world out of my body and it just can't keep up. First he said, it's not like you haven't been through hell. Give yourself some time. So he told me to rest when needed and push when I can. Lot of help that is. lol I appreciate his understanding, it keeps me from feeling crazy, but of course the person that I am makes it hard for me to accept this change. But, I will try. The truth is, I will continue to push. But I will work at being less hard on myself for needing the rest.
Pain wise, he says by feeling (I call it the push and wince test, where they push all over your body and ask if it hurts, I always say no, except for around my scar) around, I am getting better. I winced less than I have in the past.
All in all, a great visit. I love seeing him. He has a level of compassion that I have never encountered. We talk about the hubs and the kids. We talk about his wife and his children. He let me into his world, I appreciate that. He is not just my doctor, he is my angel.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
I've Been Tagged
Who am I????
Who are you?
8. Favorite fast food? Hardee's Frisco Burger... YUMMY! Have loved it since I was a kid.
9. Would you bungee jump? I am not sure. I would love to say yes in a heartbeat, but I guess I would have to see how I felt the day of.
10. What is the first thing you notice about people? How they are interacting with people around them. Are they talking nice? Do they smile? Are they crabby? Are they yelling? Compassionate? Will they look me in the eyes? Next, I look at their eyes.
11. When was the last time you cried? really cried?? A couple of weeks ago.
12. Any current worries? I try not to worry. I guess my biggest right now are my children. I don't wanna mess them up. I want them to be safe and happy, un-bullied and loved.
17. Why do you blog? I can share my story with everyone. It's not an easy thing to share, but I feel safe. I feel like the other bloggers out there would have my back if I needed it.
I was honored to be tagged by Composing the Dream as I go for this. I will be tagging some of my favorite blogs at the end. Now to give you some more info on me!
1. Where were you born? IDAHO! I am a potato, but actually dislike them.
2. Were you named after someone? My middle name is Elizabeth, after my mom's aunt.
3. How many children do you have? Three on this beautiful place we call Earth...
4. How many pets do you have? I have 3 cats, Murphy, Kaly, Jasper. We have a fur-baby... Her name is Lily. She is a Bernese Mountain Dog.
5. Your worst injury? Self Induced: I don't remember the story, but I flipped over my bike handles when I was 6. Someone forgot to shut the front door of our house, and I knew my dad would be angry. So I slammed on the front brakes. I don't remember anything other than waking up in my parents bed and my dad asking if I wanted ice cream. His fix for everything. I love him so much! Not Self Induced: Pancreas Cancer.
6. Do you have a special talent? I can sing. I also can find almost anything that someone has lost in our house. I think it's a mom thing.
7. Favorite thing to bake? I make a kick ass Lemon Pound Cake.
8. Favorite fast food? Hardee's Frisco Burger... YUMMY! Have loved it since I was a kid.
9. Would you bungee jump? I am not sure. I would love to say yes in a heartbeat, but I guess I would have to see how I felt the day of.
10. What is the first thing you notice about people? How they are interacting with people around them. Are they talking nice? Do they smile? Are they crabby? Are they yelling? Compassionate? Will they look me in the eyes? Next, I look at their eyes.
11. When was the last time you cried? really cried?? A couple of weeks ago.
12. Any current worries? I try not to worry. I guess my biggest right now are my children. I don't wanna mess them up. I want them to be safe and happy, un-bullied and loved.
13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly. Water, Coffee, Jasmine Tea and Dt. Pepsi, (I know they said 3, but I'm writing this!)
14. What's your favorite book? Religious, The Bible. Non-religious... I know this sounds corny but New Moon in the Twilight Series. I fell in love with Jacob in that book. He was willing to love her even with all of her faults and even though she didn't love him completely. The movie so did not do him justice...
15. Would you like to be a pirate? Only, if Jack Sparrow was my man.
16. Favorite smells? Jasmine, Honeysuckle, Lilac and Christmas.
14. What's your favorite book? Religious, The Bible. Non-religious... I know this sounds corny but New Moon in the Twilight Series. I fell in love with Jacob in that book. He was willing to love her even with all of her faults and even though she didn't love him completely. The movie so did not do him justice...
15. Would you like to be a pirate? Only, if Jack Sparrow was my man.
16. Favorite smells? Jasmine, Honeysuckle, Lilac and Christmas.
17. Why do you blog? I can share my story with everyone. It's not an easy thing to share, but I feel safe. I feel like the other bloggers out there would have my back if I needed it.
18. What song do you want played at your funeral? Greensleeves. My All by Mariah Carey. There are others, but I am put on the spot right now, so I cannot think.
19. What is your favorite thing about yourself? I love unconditionally.
20. Favorite hobby? Right now Crocheting.
21. Name something you've done, you never thought you would do? Fall in love at 15 and still be in love with the same man at 32.
22. What do you look for in a friend? Trust, love, compassion. Funny, strong, crazy. I really need them to understand, I am not who I used to be, but yet still love me for me.
23. Favorite fun things to do? I love getting together with family. I love volunteering at my kid's school. I love hanging with my kids.
24. Pet Peeves? Judgmental people that need to look within first. PMS, yes my own irritates me, I wish I didn't have it. I have to try extra hard during that time to be non snarly.
25. What's the last thing that made you laugh? When I hear my hubby laugh, it makes me laugh. So his reaction to a show last night made me laugh.
Now tag some bloggers to pass along this quiz to!
19. What is your favorite thing about yourself? I love unconditionally.
20. Favorite hobby? Right now Crocheting.
21. Name something you've done, you never thought you would do? Fall in love at 15 and still be in love with the same man at 32.
22. What do you look for in a friend? Trust, love, compassion. Funny, strong, crazy. I really need them to understand, I am not who I used to be, but yet still love me for me.
23. Favorite fun things to do? I love getting together with family. I love volunteering at my kid's school. I love hanging with my kids.
24. Pet Peeves? Judgmental people that need to look within first. PMS, yes my own irritates me, I wish I didn't have it. I have to try extra hard during that time to be non snarly.
25. What's the last thing that made you laugh? When I hear my hubby laugh, it makes me laugh. So his reaction to a show last night made me laugh.
Now tag some bloggers to pass along this quiz to!
I am tagging:
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Death, not mine.
Disclaimer: This is my opinion. If in any way shape or form I hurt your feelings, I am sorry. I do not mean to.
I was just going to post on the page I have so much going through my head and there will be a blog soon. Then I started to explain why I haven't written. So I stopped, erased and laughed. THIS is what my blog is for, to get those feelings out. So here it is. This week is a highly emotionally charged week. We found out on Sunday my husband's father's mother had a massive heart attack... she won't make it. It is only a matter of time, maybe as I am writing this, before she goes. Now, I know a lot of you are probably thinking sympathy for us, her, her son and other family members. I ask for that for them. I however am struggling. I have never met a woman more complicating than her. Now that said I don't know her very well. My husband has in his own way protected me from her. He does that. He comes from some messed up things in his life... We all do. But one thing he does is protect me. He knows I am soft and love with my all. I don't do well with drama and I don't handle rejection well. I don't know every detail in his childhood, for that I am glad. I do know what he wants me to know. I know that his grandma and him did not have the greatest relationship. One that was never repaired. Now, I am a forgiver and forgetter ( I know that it truly is not a word). My husband is a forget about it kind of person. Sometimes he forgives, sometimes he forgets. It is rare for him to do both at the same time. So I don't think he ever wanted to or took the opportunity to try to rectify the relationship. I also know this woman did not have an easy life. She fought hard through her life. That said, we become what we are surrounded by. I know in my heart I loved her. I just never expressed it. For that I am truly sorry. I cannot go back. I cannot change it. So without going into a ton of detail, I need to express somewhere my feelings.
Grandma P...First and foremost, I love you. I am crying right now because I never said those words to you, but yet they are true. I am sorry I didn't take opportunities to have my children get to know you. I am sorry you never had the opportunity to get to know them. I am sorry the last couple of years have been so rough on you and I truly am glad that you are going to be in a better place. One where harm and pain no longer exist. I look forward to the time we can meet again. Maybe then if you are so inclined, I will be ready to work on a relationship with you.
Dad...We are so very sorry to have to know you are going through pain right now. Your son is grieving for you. These words are hard to say because I personally am afraid of judgement for not being there right now. I know the judgement won't come from you. Maybe there won't be any. Maybe you understand where he is at, therefore understanding me too. Just know we love you and we are here if you need anything, always.
Please don't think less of us because we are physically not there for our family at this moment. My husband is here for his dad, always. That was never and will never be a question. Thanks for listening to my thoughts. <3
I was just going to post on the page I have so much going through my head and there will be a blog soon. Then I started to explain why I haven't written. So I stopped, erased and laughed. THIS is what my blog is for, to get those feelings out. So here it is. This week is a highly emotionally charged week. We found out on Sunday my husband's father's mother had a massive heart attack... she won't make it. It is only a matter of time, maybe as I am writing this, before she goes. Now, I know a lot of you are probably thinking sympathy for us, her, her son and other family members. I ask for that for them. I however am struggling. I have never met a woman more complicating than her. Now that said I don't know her very well. My husband has in his own way protected me from her. He does that. He comes from some messed up things in his life... We all do. But one thing he does is protect me. He knows I am soft and love with my all. I don't do well with drama and I don't handle rejection well. I don't know every detail in his childhood, for that I am glad. I do know what he wants me to know. I know that his grandma and him did not have the greatest relationship. One that was never repaired. Now, I am a forgiver and forgetter ( I know that it truly is not a word). My husband is a forget about it kind of person. Sometimes he forgives, sometimes he forgets. It is rare for him to do both at the same time. So I don't think he ever wanted to or took the opportunity to try to rectify the relationship. I also know this woman did not have an easy life. She fought hard through her life. That said, we become what we are surrounded by. I know in my heart I loved her. I just never expressed it. For that I am truly sorry. I cannot go back. I cannot change it. So without going into a ton of detail, I need to express somewhere my feelings.
Grandma P...First and foremost, I love you. I am crying right now because I never said those words to you, but yet they are true. I am sorry I didn't take opportunities to have my children get to know you. I am sorry you never had the opportunity to get to know them. I am sorry the last couple of years have been so rough on you and I truly am glad that you are going to be in a better place. One where harm and pain no longer exist. I look forward to the time we can meet again. Maybe then if you are so inclined, I will be ready to work on a relationship with you.
Dad...We are so very sorry to have to know you are going through pain right now. Your son is grieving for you. These words are hard to say because I personally am afraid of judgement for not being there right now. I know the judgement won't come from you. Maybe there won't be any. Maybe you understand where he is at, therefore understanding me too. Just know we love you and we are here if you need anything, always.
Please don't think less of us because we are physically not there for our family at this moment. My husband is here for his dad, always. That was never and will never be a question. Thanks for listening to my thoughts. <3
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Am I missing the little things?
I was almost to Kaukauna when it dawned on me, I drive this drive on auto pilot. I am aware of what goes on around me, the cars the places of business, the landmarks. If there were no other vehicles, I could probably be blindfolded and make the drive to Green Bay. I almost guarantee I would arrive unscathed. My trip today was again to see a doctor. This one to see the surgeon about my liver and a follow up from taking out my stent from my pancreas. I am not sure if it was the weather or what, but my mood wasn't bright and chippy today. In fact, I was quite sullen. Not my usual self, that's for sure.
I had a lot on my mind and nothing all at once. So basically I was conflicted with emotion. I have come to accept these days and in accepting them, I try to feel the emotions, instead of fighting them. So in that fashion, I am going to share these thoughts with you. Some may be hard to read, please forgive me. Some may seem weird or out of place, again please forgive me. I am giving you a glimpse into my vulnerable side today.
Before my treatment started I had a couple of weeks to wrap my head around all that was going on and try to prepare for things unknown. For the most part I tried to stay very positive. I did this mostly for my kids and husband. I was always the strong supporter in our house. If I could handle things and stay in control all was good. So true to myself Pre-treatment was like me, positive. During treatment it was fight or flight, but still positive. I didn't have any time to be negative. I needed to be positive regardless of what was going on. Even on deaths door (I was there a couple of times) I needed to stay positive.
It has only been after treatment that I have come to understand the gravity of the situation. I could have died. I am having complications still. There may come a point in my recovery that we come to a hurdle that cannot be jumped. Medical intervention is an awesome thing, but what happens when they don't know what to do anymore. Here are a few things I know... If the cancer comes back, and it can, there is nothing at this time that they could do to save me again. If I were 60 and having the complications that I have, they would let nature take its course. Not because they don't care, but because there is only so much intervention they can do.
Today I thought about the what ifs. I took a moment and let negativity control my thoughts...
I am okay with where I am going. Death in and of itself does not scare me. My fright comes from leaving those I love behind. I also have faith my husband will eventually have eternity with me. However, I want to make sure my kids will be there as well. That thought gets me. I want to be a part of their spiritual walk. I need them to know what I know. I don't want to leave before I am confident they will be with me in the end.
I don't want my husband to be alone. We have talked about what we would do if one of us passes. Neither of us feel we could move on to be with someone else. The thing is, I want him to find a partner, someone to share his life with. He is an amazing man and he deserves to be loved by someone if I am not here. How do I get him to do that? He doesn't like to talk about death let alone moving on.
My kids...
Our oldest; today I wondered if I would make it to the 5 year mark and be able to see him become an Eagle Scout. He is an amazing kid. He wears his heart on his sleeve, he is very smart. Every day he surprises me with his knowledge. I cry just thinking that I possibly won't be there for this milestone in his life. Not to mention girlfriends, college, marriage and kids. I don't want to miss out on any of that. There is so much that I want to say to him, but it's not the right time now, I don't want to scare him.
Our only daughter... I don't want to miss her laugh, it's contagious. She also is bright, funny and so lovable. I want to be there for her first boyfriend, for the prom, for college and for her wedding as well. But mostly I want to someday see her become a mom. She has this nurturing nature about her and I don't want her to not be able to talk to me as I did with my mom (about babies and such).
Our youngest. Good Lord, he's only 8, he's too young to face life without his mom. He needs me. I need him. His smile, his laugh ohhhh he's just like his dad through and through.
So how will their lives continue if I am not here. I am not saying I am all that, but at times I am all that to them, as they are to me. I know deep inside they will all move forward. They would come together and be strong. They would make it all okay. However, they would go through so much pain. Everyone that has lost someone goes through that pain. Just thinking about that kills me more than anything. So each and every day I try to find the little things and hold onto them. I pray that none of this will ever be relevant and that it truly is just a bad day. That it is the weather that makes my mind think negatively. That tomorrow will be a better brighter day and my family will not be faced with losing me until I am much much older.
Till Soon~Scar
I had a lot on my mind and nothing all at once. So basically I was conflicted with emotion. I have come to accept these days and in accepting them, I try to feel the emotions, instead of fighting them. So in that fashion, I am going to share these thoughts with you. Some may be hard to read, please forgive me. Some may seem weird or out of place, again please forgive me. I am giving you a glimpse into my vulnerable side today.
Before my treatment started I had a couple of weeks to wrap my head around all that was going on and try to prepare for things unknown. For the most part I tried to stay very positive. I did this mostly for my kids and husband. I was always the strong supporter in our house. If I could handle things and stay in control all was good. So true to myself Pre-treatment was like me, positive. During treatment it was fight or flight, but still positive. I didn't have any time to be negative. I needed to be positive regardless of what was going on. Even on deaths door (I was there a couple of times) I needed to stay positive.
It has only been after treatment that I have come to understand the gravity of the situation. I could have died. I am having complications still. There may come a point in my recovery that we come to a hurdle that cannot be jumped. Medical intervention is an awesome thing, but what happens when they don't know what to do anymore. Here are a few things I know... If the cancer comes back, and it can, there is nothing at this time that they could do to save me again. If I were 60 and having the complications that I have, they would let nature take its course. Not because they don't care, but because there is only so much intervention they can do.
Today I thought about the what ifs. I took a moment and let negativity control my thoughts...
I am okay with where I am going. Death in and of itself does not scare me. My fright comes from leaving those I love behind. I also have faith my husband will eventually have eternity with me. However, I want to make sure my kids will be there as well. That thought gets me. I want to be a part of their spiritual walk. I need them to know what I know. I don't want to leave before I am confident they will be with me in the end.
I don't want my husband to be alone. We have talked about what we would do if one of us passes. Neither of us feel we could move on to be with someone else. The thing is, I want him to find a partner, someone to share his life with. He is an amazing man and he deserves to be loved by someone if I am not here. How do I get him to do that? He doesn't like to talk about death let alone moving on.
My kids...
Our oldest; today I wondered if I would make it to the 5 year mark and be able to see him become an Eagle Scout. He is an amazing kid. He wears his heart on his sleeve, he is very smart. Every day he surprises me with his knowledge. I cry just thinking that I possibly won't be there for this milestone in his life. Not to mention girlfriends, college, marriage and kids. I don't want to miss out on any of that. There is so much that I want to say to him, but it's not the right time now, I don't want to scare him.
Our only daughter... I don't want to miss her laugh, it's contagious. She also is bright, funny and so lovable. I want to be there for her first boyfriend, for the prom, for college and for her wedding as well. But mostly I want to someday see her become a mom. She has this nurturing nature about her and I don't want her to not be able to talk to me as I did with my mom (about babies and such).
Our youngest. Good Lord, he's only 8, he's too young to face life without his mom. He needs me. I need him. His smile, his laugh ohhhh he's just like his dad through and through.
So how will their lives continue if I am not here. I am not saying I am all that, but at times I am all that to them, as they are to me. I know deep inside they will all move forward. They would come together and be strong. They would make it all okay. However, they would go through so much pain. Everyone that has lost someone goes through that pain. Just thinking about that kills me more than anything. So each and every day I try to find the little things and hold onto them. I pray that none of this will ever be relevant and that it truly is just a bad day. That it is the weather that makes my mind think negatively. That tomorrow will be a better brighter day and my family will not be faced with losing me until I am much much older.
Till Soon~Scar
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