As some know, I have three children. They are Boy, 13; Girl, almost 11; and Boy, almost 9. So when all of this cancer stuff started they were all two years younger. You can do the math, right? Kay. So the whole ordeal of having to tell them I had cancer was not fun. We originally did not tell them. We did however tell them I had to have a major surgery and I wouldn't see them for a long period of time. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I was confident they would be fine and would taken care of, but oh my, if I ever left them it was never more than two nights. I just didn't want to do that. So thinking I would be gone anywhere from 5 days up to a month was really scary. I wished I could tell them before how long I was going to be gone and when for sure I would be back. I'm being honest when I say, I wondered if saying goodbye to them would really be good bye or just see you later.
So how did they help me through this? There are so many ways. Just being the little kids they were was a major plus. I needed them to be as normal as possible, that would be the best. I wrote them letters to open every morning and every night. I wrote about 5 days worth for each kid. So about 30 letters. Then the morning we were to leave, I was up around 12 and the Hubs was ready. So I decided I would take a stack of post it notes and leave I love you notes all over the house. I still have three in the bathroom that were stuck to the mirror. I don't have the heart to take them down. I don't know if they even remember they are from then. But I went through a red stack and a yellow one. By the time I was done, the house was littered with I love you notes. These notes very well could have been my last form of communication with them, so I wanted it to be over the top.
Thank God, that was not our last form of communication. The first time I got to talk to them was the second afternoon after I was out of ICU. I could hardly talk, I was tired. I had physical therapy that day and had done my laps, so I was worn out. But I remember listening to them talk to me. That did it. I didn't care what I had to do, I was getting home. So many complications, but eventually I made it home.
Even though they did not come to see me, they sent me letters.(The Hubs and my mom traveled back and forth every two to three days to switch off taking care of the kids and being there for me.) I have each one they sent me. I will forever keep them in my keepsake box. Trying to figure out how to still be mom once I was home was hard. I don't even know how to describe this, but I think I was home for a couple of days before I ended back in the hospital with a life threatening infection. This happened three times, each time was harder on them. But each time, they reminded me why I needed to be home with them.
These kids are awesome, I don't remember any of them crying for me. I know they each were trying to be strong little soldiers for me. It breaks my heart looking back, they must have been so scared. Who wouldn't be. Their mom had cancer and everyone knows the connotation that comes with that word. It sucks. Again, they were soldiers. They trucked on in this very emotional time. One of my favorite things was when they would come home from school and yell, mom (now they didn't have to yell, I was in the next room and could hear everything) we are home, and we love you. Also, while doing homework they would crawl in next to me, whether I was on the couch or in my bed and they would do their daily reading to me. I think I fell asleep almost every time, but it was so worth those 20 mins of one on one time that we each shared. They also took the parent role and tucked me into bed every night. This happened until I was able to walk up and down the stairs to tuck them in myself.
Their spirit and child like love is what made me get through. I love them to pieces. They are truly worth living for. I will fight this nasty thing until the end no matter what. I will always fight and it's because of them. I won't give in or up. I love you my beautiful's!
Sending love and HOPE ~ Scar
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