Ahhhh the truth. What is the thing I love the most? Well after reading Kelly's blog on it, I had it. I love that I forgive people. That's easy enough, right?! I didn't have to think about it. But there's more, I made what do I hate, easy. Why? Because I didn't want to delve into it deeper. However, I left a comment on her page when she said she was doing this challenge. It went something like, I can't out myself on my personal page, but I can on my "Scar" page. (I like Scar better than Cancer). Here's the thing... These questions are meant to be thought provoking. They are supposed to be hard. I admire her for doing this challenge. She is a strong woman. Unfortunately strong isn't always a good thing. It's protects us, but it doesn't save us from falling later. Usually when there is no safety net to save us. This is where I am at...
I hate that I am not strong. But perceived as strong because I fought some nasty shit called cancer. Sure I had to face the demon that was pancreas cancer. Sure I had to struggle with the surgery then chemo and the radiation and the chemo again. But what no one talks about is the struggle that it takes to come out of the hole that you get put into. I struggle on the daily with this coming out of the hole. I am trying so hard to be me, whoever me is, but it's not easy. So yeah...
What I truly hate about myself is the new me. I hate that I am in pain every damn day. I hate that I cancel plans because I am sick. I hate that I cannot finish school and help out my family financially. I hate every damn thing that is cancer. Sorry for the swears. I don't yell a lot and I don't swear much. But when I do, it somehow conveys the truth for me.
So the questions are what do you hate about yourself and what do you love. My new answers... Hate... Everything, that is the new me. Yes, that may be harsh, but that's where I am. I could give you a list of what was and what is. No matter what, the new me doesn't measure up to the old me. IHATEIT!
What do I love, yep. Still the same. I love that I forgive. That part hasn't changed. In fact, it's gotten stronger. I totally get the whole live life like it is your last day. Work hard, play hard, forgive hard. Don't hold grudges. Move on. That's not to say I don't deal with grievances, I just don't hold onto them anymore. I forgive and move on. Now... Why can't I just do that with myself? Why do I have to be so hard on myself for something that I never had any control over? Life is unfair. I need to work on getting better at loving my new self. I don't remember all of the thirty things, but maybe one is what do I need to work on. If so, I got this.
Okay so I will try this once again. As you and I have spoken about in length, we must grieve for the what was and learn to accept the new what is. It ain't easy. I wish I could show you somehow how I see you. You may not think of yourself as strong, but I do. Yes you kicked cancer ass, but your strength is so much more than that. Your strength in your faith- it has lead me to a closer relationship with God. Your ability to suck up the pain and keep moving for your kids- that's strong. There are others who can't do it or won't. The strength of your convictions- you do not waiver and that's impressive. The strength of your love for your hubs- you've overcome and fought and keep loving when others would have thrown in the towel. The strength of your love for family and friends- I've felt it and am blessed by it. I will work further on this line of thought for you and send it to you. I LU LU MU so very freakin' much!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to reconcile the present we have with what we envisioned for ourselves. Life has a way of derailing some of us more than others and I think that part of making peace with the "now" has to be making peace with what isn't. It's a grief process certainly and it is hard stuff. Cancer changes everything. All of it. Those of us who've been there understand. I'm still glad you're doing this with me. It has already been harder for me than it was the last time....and I don't see it getting easier. The truth isn't often pretty and it's rarely easy...but it makes us who we are. Much love, my friend. xo
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