Post number 9

Just fair warning, this lady is a bit snarky today. Ima try and write a positive blog and thank someone but be forewarned that if it doesn't come out smooth, it wasn't me. ~ kinda like Shaggy.

Okay, so I watched Safe Haven yesterday and I cried. Not because everyone was safe at the end and because they found true love but because that shit resonated with me. I wrote those letters. Well, I still have to write the one to his next wife. I was saving that one. It's in my head. Very similar to what Jo wrote to Katie. "If you are reading this, it means he loves you." Yep, that did it, tears. Jo is a fictional character, I am not. I know exactly those feelings, I had / have them. We have talked about what would happen if I die. I also know my husband sometimes too well. I know if I were to pass, he would have a hard time moving on. He wouldn't know what to do with himself. He would wrap himself in work and maybe for a short time push the people he loves most; out. He would put on a brave face and say he was fine. He would smile and laugh, but it would be a show. Yes, he would eventually move on. He would have to. I know it is in him. But what I am almost most sure about, he wouldn't try and find love again.

Do I want him to find love again. Well of course. I want him to find someone that I know will love him as much as I love him, he deserves it. I also want her to be the mother of our children, never the step-mom. Once I am gone, if he chooses her, she has every right to fill my shoes. No, she will not replace me. But I want her to be accepted with open loving arms from everyone, especially our kids. She is going to help them remember me. Eventually memories fade, I count on her to keep them alive. She needs to be strong enough to understand my children and husband love me and may never "get over it." But in that, she also needs to know she wouldn't be here if  they all didn't love her. He sees something in her that tells him she will be what I no longer can be for him.

Okay, abrupt ending, but enough with the heavy. I am thankful today for my husband. I love him with all of my heart and would not be where I am today without him. Someday soon, I will finish part two of our ten year anniversary post. I relive it while writing, it's very taxing to go back there. But someday, it will be done. Sending love and HOPE,

~Scar