Connections come in all shapes, forms, colors, sexes and sizes. Some can happen without out much warning, some take years to develop.The one I am writing about today formed before my dreaded diagnosis of cancer. I realized I had a connection with her far before then, I am grateful we connected before I found out. In the simplest form, people say I look like her. I do. However, our bond intensified once I found out. This topic of connections has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. Because connections come in all shapes and sizes, it shouldn't have surprised me that ours would be so strong.
My Aunt, such a beautiful woman. Her spirit was so full. Her eyes sparkled when she laughed like no one I have ever known. I so wish we didn't share this. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years before I was diagnosed with pancreas cancer. By the time I was diagnosed, she was in remission. Although they were completely different cancers, we were both subjected to very similar experiences; surgery, chemo and radiation. It was bittersweet to lean on her when I had very limited access to people who have gone through this.
I feel horrible saying this, but she battled through her cancer with my love and support, but I was at a loss to be able to give her the amount of compassion she needed. After she was done with treatment she didn't seem to bounce back the way I thought she should. Mind you, a lot of people do not understand how affected someone is, forever, once they have been diagnosed with cancer. Hell once you are faced with a disease that is life threatening things change. Even if you by some miraculous miracle find out it was a false alarm, everything changes. Above and beyond the news, you cannot put all that nasty radiation in your body and don't forget those wonderful cocktails called chemo, without doing some long term damage. I am living proof.
Once I was diagnosed with cancer she was one of my biggest allies. She sent weekly letters or cards. Each one I still have. They were so encouraging. When we would get together for Bunco nights, I would go early to talk to her. I remember one evening I was doing horrible, I felt bad, it was an over the top shitty day. I didn't want to leave, but I needed to talk to her. I knew she would give me something anything to make it go away. Little did I know the message that night was to "suck it up buttercup, life's a bitch!" I was crying when I was telling her how bad things were going at that moment and when she said those words to me everything stopped. I started laughing, so did she. It was exactly what I needed.I don't know how she knew what to say or even how it was the right thing, but I could always could count on her.
Our last girls trip together was in October of 2011. We went to Land O' Lakes. I looked forward to this trip, like all moms do when they get a few moments away. This trip was different. I was going to escape cancer. I was still in treatment and it was going to be rough. But I worked out a plan with the doctor to give me an extra week in between treatments. I think at that moment when I bargained with him for that extra week, he knew I was so done that if I would have asked for some ridiculous thing, he would have given it to me. He understood I needed to feel normal for a weekend, hell I had been in treatment since surgery in January so we were on 10 months of that. I NEEDED a vacation. So I went with the "ol' Ladies" on their girls trip. It was awesome.
On a warm day we went to Bond Falls to hike. My aunt and I joked that we wouldn't make it far, but at least we both understood the obstacles we each endured. The miracle of that day...we both climbed the stairs to the top of the water fall. No big fete to many, but for us it was a HUGE accomplishment! I will always remember her smile and laughter when we made it up there. Those eyes sparkled. We walked back down together. My mom and other aunt kept going up. As we were walking she told me she admired my courage. I was like lady, I admire yours. We each saw things in each other that I can't describe. It was another awesome connection, that will forever be between the two of us, for that I am grateful.
We lost my Aunt on October 26th, 2012. A little more than a year after our girls trip. She had a recurrence of cancer. It wasn't breast, it was much worse. It was found in her blood. She fought till the end. She was so courageous. The love she shared with people while she was dying was amazing. I remember walking into her hospital room one night and she could hardly speak. But the words she was trying to get out were this. "Make sure you make them keep you healthy. Don't let them say you are fine. Always push for them to keep you good. Don't give up." Oh my, this woman was nearing the end and we all knew it but instead of worrying about herself, she told me to stay healthy. I love her so much and I miss her more than words could ever express. I hate that cancer took her away, but I'm so very glad I've learned so much from this woman. She will forever be a HERO in my book. I am grateful for the time I have gotten to know her. I am blessed.
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