Well this lady is called Momma L. I am not sure when I started calling her that, but that is who she is. I am not going to changer her name. For me calling her Momma L fits. This lady is more than a mother, she is a friend. A good one at that.
The first time I met Momma L, was the first time I met his (the Hubs) Dad as well. We went to tell them we were engaged. Oh my we were so young. I was so nervous to tell them. I wasn't sure how they would react. Would they say we were crazy, it wouldn't last? Or would they embrace us and let us live the way we felt we should. As much as I remember, they were very positive. They embraced us and our decision. Now, I was 17 when we got engaged, but we didn't get married until I was 20. That was a good thing, we grew up some in that time. But none the less, they were behind us from the beginning. They have been two of our biggest supporters still to this date.
Okay, so how did Momma L help me. Oh my in so many ways. In a way she helped me become a less shy girl. She knows me to the core and has never made me question who I was (am). She has always embraced me. For that I am grateful. During my surgery, they took my fur-baby. Now this may not seem like a big deal to some, but this was huge. Our fur-baby is timid, sssshhhhh, don't tell anyone. She smells a guy and she runs. Needless to say, leaving her with anyone was going to be difficult, let alone with Grandpa and Uncle Z. They took her on, and smiled through it. When our pup missed us so much that she wouldn't eat, they made her a pizza and let her eat their crusts. Now not the best food for the dog, but it did break the ice and she didn't starve, she began to eat normal after that. I would have let them feed her chocolate if it would have helped and not killed her.
As for cancer help, personally, Momma L made me hand made get well cards and encouragement cards on a weekly basis. I still have them all. But above all of that, this lady hates talking on the phone. Each time I went into the hospital she made it a point to call me. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is. (To understand this, you have to know how she hates being on the phone, lol)
I am so grateful for all three of the women in my life that I call mom. I would not be the woman I am today without their guidance, understanding and willingness to let me do it on my own. I will forever be grateful to all three women. I hope each one knows they have a piece of my heart, now and forever.
Sending love and HOPE,
~Scar
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
My Hubs Mom, post number 11 of gratefulness.
I met her when I was 16. It was a huge family party. Easter I think or maybe it was his little sister's birthday, either way, all parties in that family were huge and they have just gotten bigger as the kids have had many of their own kids. I don't remember which party was first. I was scared. Who wouldn't be scared? I had heard things about my boyfriend's family. Good things, but none the less I didn't know if I would hold up to what I thought were some pretty strict standards. I laugh now, because it was just me. People put themselves through so much when they think they are being judged. What I didn't know then was, my boyfriend really loved me and no matter what, they would love me too. We also had a very strong bond, we share a love; the boy.
So over the years his mom and I have come to be close and good friends. I am grateful for the relationship my husband and his mom have, this enabled us to have a strong start to our relationship. I am grateful she has always been there for my husband. Among many other times, the most important was my surgery . My in laws drove to Milwaukee to be there for the Hubs, well and for me. It was great, between my mom and his parents I didn't worry he wouldn't have an outlet, if needed. They also stayed the night and made sure everything was good with me the next day before they headed home. They came back somewhere in the middle of my stay. At least I think they did. I was on so many drugs, it's amazing I remember anything from that period of time. Must be the PTSD that makes me remember?
We don't get to see them as much as we used to, that's a lot to do with me. I am not up to being out and about as much as I used to. My first priority has always been my kids and then family, well ultimately God, Hubs, Kids then family. But now after the kids are taken care of, I don't have much left in me to share with others. She understands, I am sure there is disappointment but she does well not making me feel guilty. There are some people that would make you feel guilty for how many times I have had to back out of things, but not her. For that I am grateful. My heart is still in the right place, my body just fails me more times than I can count, or would like to admit. So this post, I hope, shows I am grateful for one of the two mommies I inherited from my hubby. Happy Mother's Day mom!
~Scar
So over the years his mom and I have come to be close and good friends. I am grateful for the relationship my husband and his mom have, this enabled us to have a strong start to our relationship. I am grateful she has always been there for my husband. Among many other times, the most important was my surgery . My in laws drove to Milwaukee to be there for the Hubs, well and for me. It was great, between my mom and his parents I didn't worry he wouldn't have an outlet, if needed. They also stayed the night and made sure everything was good with me the next day before they headed home. They came back somewhere in the middle of my stay. At least I think they did. I was on so many drugs, it's amazing I remember anything from that period of time. Must be the PTSD that makes me remember?
We don't get to see them as much as we used to, that's a lot to do with me. I am not up to being out and about as much as I used to. My first priority has always been my kids and then family, well ultimately God, Hubs, Kids then family. But now after the kids are taken care of, I don't have much left in me to share with others. She understands, I am sure there is disappointment but she does well not making me feel guilty. There are some people that would make you feel guilty for how many times I have had to back out of things, but not her. For that I am grateful. My heart is still in the right place, my body just fails me more times than I can count, or would like to admit. So this post, I hope, shows I am grateful for one of the two mommies I inherited from my hubby. Happy Mother's Day mom!
~Scar
Sunday, May 12, 2013
My Mommy, Post number 10 of gratefulness
This post is going to be hard to write, not because she is hard to write about, but because there is so much love and admiration for this woman. This one is about my Mom, fitting as it is Mother's Day. This lady has been there for me every step of the way. She was my rock growing up. I was a tough child in the sense I always needed her to be around. I would have major meltdowns if she wanted to go out for a night. She didn't do it often, I was told my meltdowns worked. For me that is. :)
I am so grateful for her, both now and then. She has helped me through this cancer thing like no one else could have. After I told my husband the news, I told her. She held me that day as if I was a baby and told me things were going to be okay. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights she has had because of me. I feel bad for that. But I am so thankful that she loves me that much. I know some people don't have great relationships, well even good for that matter, with their mom. I am lucky, because our relationship has just become stronger as I have gotten older.
My mom is also a cancer survivor, she had breast cancer when I was quite young. She is my hero. Knowing how I felt during my radiation treatments, and thinking she also had radiation blows my mind. My kids were older than I was when she was being treated. I think I was 3 and my sister was 4. Can you imagine that? Oh my, this woman has some sort of super hero strength about her. It is amazing.
So today on Mother's Day, I want to take a moment and thank my mom for being there for me. She was my personal cheerleader. I remember picking her up on our way to Milwaukee and she gets into the truck and first apologized that she had coffee and I didn't. (I was NPO and the day before was clear liquids only, so coffee and I did not get to bond.) Then she pulled out a scripture stating all things were going to be okay. I have that little note tucked away in my cancer box. For some odd reason her telling me that she was finally okay with what was going on made me calm. I hated her worrying for me. That was a terrifying road trip. That was the day my physical life changed for ever. I am so glad I had my mom there holding my hand and also being there for my Hubs, if he needed it. She wouldn't push him to talk, but if he felt like he wanted to talk, I am sure he knew she was there.
As most of you know, things are better. I am in remission and I keep moving forward on my progress. I may never be the same person again, and that's okay. Because, I know it sounds childish, I have my mom. A couple of weeks ago, I had a set back emotionally. I tried hiding it from her. Every time we talked I just said I was fine. Then one day I called her, I let it all out. She said two words that changed everything. I understand. That was all I needed, was someone understood. I didn't need comforting, I didn't need to hear things will be fine. Everything sucked at that moment and she said the right thing. She understood. Like a blink of an eye, I could handle all the stress again. Like I had posted that day, nothing has changed, I just could handle it once again.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love you so very much and am grateful for you!
I am so grateful for her, both now and then. She has helped me through this cancer thing like no one else could have. After I told my husband the news, I told her. She held me that day as if I was a baby and told me things were going to be okay. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights she has had because of me. I feel bad for that. But I am so thankful that she loves me that much. I know some people don't have great relationships, well even good for that matter, with their mom. I am lucky, because our relationship has just become stronger as I have gotten older.
My mom is also a cancer survivor, she had breast cancer when I was quite young. She is my hero. Knowing how I felt during my radiation treatments, and thinking she also had radiation blows my mind. My kids were older than I was when she was being treated. I think I was 3 and my sister was 4. Can you imagine that? Oh my, this woman has some sort of super hero strength about her. It is amazing.
So today on Mother's Day, I want to take a moment and thank my mom for being there for me. She was my personal cheerleader. I remember picking her up on our way to Milwaukee and she gets into the truck and first apologized that she had coffee and I didn't. (I was NPO and the day before was clear liquids only, so coffee and I did not get to bond.) Then she pulled out a scripture stating all things were going to be okay. I have that little note tucked away in my cancer box. For some odd reason her telling me that she was finally okay with what was going on made me calm. I hated her worrying for me. That was a terrifying road trip. That was the day my physical life changed for ever. I am so glad I had my mom there holding my hand and also being there for my Hubs, if he needed it. She wouldn't push him to talk, but if he felt like he wanted to talk, I am sure he knew she was there.
As most of you know, things are better. I am in remission and I keep moving forward on my progress. I may never be the same person again, and that's okay. Because, I know it sounds childish, I have my mom. A couple of weeks ago, I had a set back emotionally. I tried hiding it from her. Every time we talked I just said I was fine. Then one day I called her, I let it all out. She said two words that changed everything. I understand. That was all I needed, was someone understood. I didn't need comforting, I didn't need to hear things will be fine. Everything sucked at that moment and she said the right thing. She understood. Like a blink of an eye, I could handle all the stress again. Like I had posted that day, nothing has changed, I just could handle it once again.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love you so very much and am grateful for you!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Post number 9
Just fair warning, this lady is a bit snarky today. Ima try and write a positive blog and thank someone but be forewarned that if it doesn't come out smooth, it wasn't me. ~ kinda like Shaggy.
Okay, so I watched Safe Haven yesterday and I cried. Not because everyone was safe at the end and because they found true love but because that shit resonated with me. I wrote those letters. Well, I still have to write the one to his next wife. I was saving that one. It's in my head. Very similar to what Jo wrote to Katie. "If you are reading this, it means he loves you." Yep, that did it, tears. Jo is a fictional character, I am not. I know exactly those feelings, I had / have them. We have talked about what would happen if I die. I also know my husband sometimes too well. I know if I were to pass, he would have a hard time moving on. He wouldn't know what to do with himself. He would wrap himself in work and maybe for a short time push the people he loves most; out. He would put on a brave face and say he was fine. He would smile and laugh, but it would be a show. Yes, he would eventually move on. He would have to. I know it is in him. But what I am almost most sure about, he wouldn't try and find love again.
Do I want him to find love again. Well of course. I want him to find someone that I know will love him as much as I love him, he deserves it. I also want her to be the mother of our children, never the step-mom. Once I am gone, if he chooses her, she has every right to fill my shoes. No, she will not replace me. But I want her to be accepted with open loving arms from everyone, especially our kids. She is going to help them remember me. Eventually memories fade, I count on her to keep them alive. She needs to be strong enough to understand my children and husband love me and may never "get over it." But in that, she also needs to know she wouldn't be here if they all didn't love her. He sees something in her that tells him she will be what I no longer can be for him.
Okay, abrupt ending, but enough with the heavy. I am thankful today for my husband. I love him with all of my heart and would not be where I am today without him. Someday soon, I will finish part two of our ten year anniversary post. I relive it while writing, it's very taxing to go back there. But someday, it will be done. Sending love and HOPE,
~Scar
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
May 7th
Well, I am on my seventh post of gratefulness. I must admit this writing every day is going to be tough. I like it, but sometimes I struggle with what to write about. This is one of those days. I have started many posts about different people that I want to thank and show my gratitude to. The posts are not flowing as they usually do, therefore I have not found the right thing to be thankful for today... I got it. Murphy.
I am so thankful for my little feline. He is not a normal cat by any means. He is very skittish. He does not like loud noises. He hates being picked up. He only wants to be pet when he finds you. He is not supposed to be alive. You see he has a major heart murmur. Before I got sick with cancer I was told he wouldn't live past four years old. He will be seven in August. (I am not superstitious, but I did just knock on wood!)
I don't know if he is a freak of nature or what the deal is with him. All I know is he is mine and he loves me. When I had to sleep on the couch (after surgery for almost 3 months), he would creep up to me and cozy himself into a deep sleep. He did this every night. He would lay down around 11 and stay put until at least 4. It was such a loving gesture he shared with me, none of which he shares with anyone else. Now, if I get up in the middle of the night, he follows me back to bed and cozies up against my stomach and sleeps until I move.
I am grateful he has lived through the years that I thought he wouldn't. I know I would not have been able to handle his passing while I was being treated. At some point I know our luck with him is going to end and he will no longer be here with us on this earth. But until then, this is my miracle cat that came out of his shell to show me how much he loved me. He will forever be the best cat in the world!
I am so thankful for my little feline. He is not a normal cat by any means. He is very skittish. He does not like loud noises. He hates being picked up. He only wants to be pet when he finds you. He is not supposed to be alive. You see he has a major heart murmur. Before I got sick with cancer I was told he wouldn't live past four years old. He will be seven in August. (I am not superstitious, but I did just knock on wood!)
I don't know if he is a freak of nature or what the deal is with him. All I know is he is mine and he loves me. When I had to sleep on the couch (after surgery for almost 3 months), he would creep up to me and cozy himself into a deep sleep. He did this every night. He would lay down around 11 and stay put until at least 4. It was such a loving gesture he shared with me, none of which he shares with anyone else. Now, if I get up in the middle of the night, he follows me back to bed and cozies up against my stomach and sleeps until I move.
I am grateful he has lived through the years that I thought he wouldn't. I know I would not have been able to handle his passing while I was being treated. At some point I know our luck with him is going to end and he will no longer be here with us on this earth. But until then, this is my miracle cat that came out of his shell to show me how much he loved me. He will forever be the best cat in the world!
Murphy on the left, Kaly on the right. Brother and Sister.
Monday, May 6, 2013
May 6th, Happy Day!!!
Part of me is waiting for the floor to fall out from underneath me. SHHHHHHH! Don't jinx it. Don't tell me to just accept the goodness. Cuz, Lordy, I do accept and someday again I will expect it. But today is another good day, which I am thankful for.
So I was thinking I would wake up this morning and hurt bad from the bike ride last night. Guess what? Nope I feel great. I think I found what I need to do. Got 20 pounds till my goal weight and once they switched my meds I stopped losing weight. Yes, that part was good, because now I am getting the nutrients that I need. But the inner me was like "come on Doc, can't I just wait and take the old ones that don't work until I get to goal." No, no, I know, nutrients are good. You need them, YO!
Not only did I wake up well and feel good, I had a fabulous coffee / tea date with a favorite friend and her son (he's only 9 months and is ADORBS!!!). I was bummed last week cuz I found out they are moving out of state, but I am not going to dwell on this fact. This is a good gig for her and her family so we are just gonna celebrate it. So today's blog is about her. We will leave her nameless, but there are so many reasons why I am thankful for this chic.
We met in college. (Well my second round and I guess hers too. I was working on my Bachelor's and she was working on her Master's.) Any who we shared two classes together and guess what? She approached me to study with. I still think back to that day and think oh Lord this girl has no idea who she wants to study with. lol I didn't give myself enough credit back then. I was on the Dean's list but still felt the Proffs must have been smoking something when they were grading my papers. But I digress.
So we shared an education class and an Environmental Science discussion class. It was awesome. So I love her because she is just one of the best personal cheer leaders I could have asked for. We had to do a presentation in class and I led the most of it for my group. She totally praised my mad talking and attention getting skills. Well her mad cheer skills have continued through my journey of cancer. She has driven me all over half the state getting treatments. I owe this chick a lot. She will never ask for the pay back, but I would in a heart beat.
I love that we have come to know each other very well. Our friendship so could have ended when we both ended that semester. We both transferred to different schools. So when you have a family (me) and trying to work on your Master's and start a family (her) things (life) get in the way. But I cannot tell you how blessed I am that we are still friends and we have weathered walking different paths. So my dear if you are reading this know I truly appreciate the friendship you bring to me. I love you immensely I wish you and your family so much love and goodness in your move. Just always remember this is home and "you can always return home." Thank you for your constant support in all of my issues. Not many can truly understand my need for perfection. I appreciate your words of wisdom telling me I am good regardless. I love you!!!!!
Sending Love and HOPE~Scar
So I was thinking I would wake up this morning and hurt bad from the bike ride last night. Guess what? Nope I feel great. I think I found what I need to do. Got 20 pounds till my goal weight and once they switched my meds I stopped losing weight. Yes, that part was good, because now I am getting the nutrients that I need. But the inner me was like "come on Doc, can't I just wait and take the old ones that don't work until I get to goal." No, no, I know, nutrients are good. You need them, YO!
Not only did I wake up well and feel good, I had a fabulous coffee / tea date with a favorite friend and her son (he's only 9 months and is ADORBS!!!). I was bummed last week cuz I found out they are moving out of state, but I am not going to dwell on this fact. This is a good gig for her and her family so we are just gonna celebrate it. So today's blog is about her. We will leave her nameless, but there are so many reasons why I am thankful for this chic.
We met in college. (Well my second round and I guess hers too. I was working on my Bachelor's and she was working on her Master's.) Any who we shared two classes together and guess what? She approached me to study with. I still think back to that day and think oh Lord this girl has no idea who she wants to study with. lol I didn't give myself enough credit back then. I was on the Dean's list but still felt the Proffs must have been smoking something when they were grading my papers. But I digress.
So we shared an education class and an Environmental Science discussion class. It was awesome. So I love her because she is just one of the best personal cheer leaders I could have asked for. We had to do a presentation in class and I led the most of it for my group. She totally praised my mad talking and attention getting skills. Well her mad cheer skills have continued through my journey of cancer. She has driven me all over half the state getting treatments. I owe this chick a lot. She will never ask for the pay back, but I would in a heart beat.
I love that we have come to know each other very well. Our friendship so could have ended when we both ended that semester. We both transferred to different schools. So when you have a family (me) and trying to work on your Master's and start a family (her) things (life) get in the way. But I cannot tell you how blessed I am that we are still friends and we have weathered walking different paths. So my dear if you are reading this know I truly appreciate the friendship you bring to me. I love you immensely I wish you and your family so much love and goodness in your move. Just always remember this is home and "you can always return home." Thank you for your constant support in all of my issues. Not many can truly understand my need for perfection. I appreciate your words of wisdom telling me I am good regardless. I love you!!!!!
Sending Love and HOPE~Scar
Sunday, May 5, 2013
5th post, 5th of May.
Today I am thankful and grateful for wonderful weather. It was over 70 today. We accomplished a ton. We visited Tailwaggers Doggy Daycare in Little Chute, where we received a personal tour. It was perfect. The kids had a blast. I locked them in the big dog over night kennel. he he he he. They got out. Notice they are all smiling. Guess I didn't scare them.
After we were done at Doggy Daycare, we came home. I took a glorious nap. I haven't been able to nap for over a week, I have tried and I have been way over tired. The middle child and I went to the store after my nap. We ran into everyone and their brother while we were shopping. After, we had a barbecue and picnic dinner. While Hubs was cooking, I spread mulch around the newly planted roses and added dirt to the main flower bed. After dinner the Girl and I went for a bike ride. Today was heavenly. I am just plain grateful for this day.
Sending Love and HOPE,
~Scar
Saturday, May 4, 2013
May the 4th be with you. :)
This post is not just about one person. This is about a community. I hope you sometime in your life get the chance to be a part of this type of community. I hope you are not on the receiving end of it. Not because you don't deserve the help, but because the event that happens to be on the receiving end sucks! This community I am talking about is my children's school. Everyone; the staff, parents, principal and kids. Oh my, what a humbling experience.
When I was in the hospital in Milwaukee, my Hubs passed along a message. "The school had their PTO meeting and you were brought up." I was like me, what did I do? I didn't even go this month, ha ha. He explained they revealed in the meeting that I had cancer and had surgery last week. They were looking for ways to join forces and be there for us. It was led by a couple, who I adore. They are extremely giving people. Our oldest boys are very close. But still that connection never prepared me for their generosity. They organized a month of meals. Really!!!?????!!!!! What the what? You are gonna feed my family for a month? WOW! (That was just the tip, there was so much more!)
So we went on line at the hospital and looked at who had signed up already. I was humbled numerous times. Many of the parents and teachers had either had my kids or my kids were friends with them, then there were many others that didn't even know who we were, yet were so willing to do this for us. I cannot tell you. I cried and hard. I mean come on, the filled the calendar for a whole month. If you have ever tried to organize something, filling a month of volunteers is hard. Guess what? They all also came through, no one skipped out. They were there for us!
One day a teacher, a very special math teacher, brought the kids dinner, I was in the hospital in Green Bay for this dinner, but she went out of her way to ask each of my kids what they wanted for dinner. They all agreed Chinese food, but their requests would have made the faint of heart turn and say no. She didn't, she got them each their weird requests. My kids were so happy that night. They called me to tell me. This woman deserves a medal, she is an awesome woman. I am blessed to have her there at the school. Still to this day she makes me smile. I appreciate her.
A lot of the food that was provided were things I couldn't eat yet. My body rejected so much in the beginning, and I never knew what I could eat. That didn't stop families from asking and then providing. Also,red dye is out for my youngest son, and everyone knew, thanks to the parents that organized the dinners. It never came in this house. I cannot tell you how awesome that was. We are so blessed!
There were also so many parents and teachers that sent gift certificates on their own after the month was done. I was never expecting that. It was so generous of them all. I hope they all read this and know I never took any of that love and generosity for granted. If at any time any of you need anything, please call me. I will make you dinner. I will love your kids... Speaking of loving my kids. Once I was out and about, I ran into a teacher and she didn't have my kids but made it a point to hug up on my kids every chance she got. Actually I know more than one teacher at that school did that. I am crying right now thinking about how much love and support they got while we were busy taking care of me. It truly does take a village to raise kids and I am BLESSED the village we fell into stepped up to the plate and made a difference for my family. Thank you, I am forever grateful for each and every one of you!!!!!
Sending love and HOPE ~Scar
My children~May Grateful Post #3
Maybe if I have it in me I will write one about each one of them individually. But for now, this is a lump sum of gratefulness.
As some know, I have three children. They are Boy, 13; Girl, almost 11; and Boy, almost 9. So when all of this cancer stuff started they were all two years younger. You can do the math, right? Kay. So the whole ordeal of having to tell them I had cancer was not fun. We originally did not tell them. We did however tell them I had to have a major surgery and I wouldn't see them for a long period of time. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I was confident they would be fine and would taken care of, but oh my, if I ever left them it was never more than two nights. I just didn't want to do that. So thinking I would be gone anywhere from 5 days up to a month was really scary. I wished I could tell them before how long I was going to be gone and when for sure I would be back. I'm being honest when I say, I wondered if saying goodbye to them would really be good bye or just see you later.
So how did they help me through this? There are so many ways. Just being the little kids they were was a major plus. I needed them to be as normal as possible, that would be the best. I wrote them letters to open every morning and every night. I wrote about 5 days worth for each kid. So about 30 letters. Then the morning we were to leave, I was up around 12 and the Hubs was ready. So I decided I would take a stack of post it notes and leave I love you notes all over the house. I still have three in the bathroom that were stuck to the mirror. I don't have the heart to take them down. I don't know if they even remember they are from then. But I went through a red stack and a yellow one. By the time I was done, the house was littered with I love you notes. These notes very well could have been my last form of communication with them, so I wanted it to be over the top.
Thank God, that was not our last form of communication. The first time I got to talk to them was the second afternoon after I was out of ICU. I could hardly talk, I was tired. I had physical therapy that day and had done my laps, so I was worn out. But I remember listening to them talk to me. That did it. I didn't care what I had to do, I was getting home. So many complications, but eventually I made it home.
Even though they did not come to see me, they sent me letters.(The Hubs and my mom traveled back and forth every two to three days to switch off taking care of the kids and being there for me.) I have each one they sent me. I will forever keep them in my keepsake box. Trying to figure out how to still be mom once I was home was hard. I don't even know how to describe this, but I think I was home for a couple of days before I ended back in the hospital with a life threatening infection. This happened three times, each time was harder on them. But each time, they reminded me why I needed to be home with them.
These kids are awesome, I don't remember any of them crying for me. I know they each were trying to be strong little soldiers for me. It breaks my heart looking back, they must have been so scared. Who wouldn't be. Their mom had cancer and everyone knows the connotation that comes with that word. It sucks. Again, they were soldiers. They trucked on in this very emotional time. One of my favorite things was when they would come home from school and yell, mom (now they didn't have to yell, I was in the next room and could hear everything) we are home, and we love you. Also, while doing homework they would crawl in next to me, whether I was on the couch or in my bed and they would do their daily reading to me. I think I fell asleep almost every time, but it was so worth those 20 mins of one on one time that we each shared. They also took the parent role and tucked me into bed every night. This happened until I was able to walk up and down the stairs to tuck them in myself.
Their spirit and child like love is what made me get through. I love them to pieces. They are truly worth living for. I will fight this nasty thing until the end no matter what. I will always fight and it's because of them. I won't give in or up. I love you my beautiful's!
Sending love and HOPE ~ Scar
As some know, I have three children. They are Boy, 13; Girl, almost 11; and Boy, almost 9. So when all of this cancer stuff started they were all two years younger. You can do the math, right? Kay. So the whole ordeal of having to tell them I had cancer was not fun. We originally did not tell them. We did however tell them I had to have a major surgery and I wouldn't see them for a long period of time. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I was confident they would be fine and would taken care of, but oh my, if I ever left them it was never more than two nights. I just didn't want to do that. So thinking I would be gone anywhere from 5 days up to a month was really scary. I wished I could tell them before how long I was going to be gone and when for sure I would be back. I'm being honest when I say, I wondered if saying goodbye to them would really be good bye or just see you later.
So how did they help me through this? There are so many ways. Just being the little kids they were was a major plus. I needed them to be as normal as possible, that would be the best. I wrote them letters to open every morning and every night. I wrote about 5 days worth for each kid. So about 30 letters. Then the morning we were to leave, I was up around 12 and the Hubs was ready. So I decided I would take a stack of post it notes and leave I love you notes all over the house. I still have three in the bathroom that were stuck to the mirror. I don't have the heart to take them down. I don't know if they even remember they are from then. But I went through a red stack and a yellow one. By the time I was done, the house was littered with I love you notes. These notes very well could have been my last form of communication with them, so I wanted it to be over the top.
Thank God, that was not our last form of communication. The first time I got to talk to them was the second afternoon after I was out of ICU. I could hardly talk, I was tired. I had physical therapy that day and had done my laps, so I was worn out. But I remember listening to them talk to me. That did it. I didn't care what I had to do, I was getting home. So many complications, but eventually I made it home.
Even though they did not come to see me, they sent me letters.(The Hubs and my mom traveled back and forth every two to three days to switch off taking care of the kids and being there for me.) I have each one they sent me. I will forever keep them in my keepsake box. Trying to figure out how to still be mom once I was home was hard. I don't even know how to describe this, but I think I was home for a couple of days before I ended back in the hospital with a life threatening infection. This happened three times, each time was harder on them. But each time, they reminded me why I needed to be home with them.
These kids are awesome, I don't remember any of them crying for me. I know they each were trying to be strong little soldiers for me. It breaks my heart looking back, they must have been so scared. Who wouldn't be. Their mom had cancer and everyone knows the connotation that comes with that word. It sucks. Again, they were soldiers. They trucked on in this very emotional time. One of my favorite things was when they would come home from school and yell, mom (now they didn't have to yell, I was in the next room and could hear everything) we are home, and we love you. Also, while doing homework they would crawl in next to me, whether I was on the couch or in my bed and they would do their daily reading to me. I think I fell asleep almost every time, but it was so worth those 20 mins of one on one time that we each shared. They also took the parent role and tucked me into bed every night. This happened until I was able to walk up and down the stairs to tuck them in myself.
Their spirit and child like love is what made me get through. I love them to pieces. They are truly worth living for. I will fight this nasty thing until the end no matter what. I will always fight and it's because of them. I won't give in or up. I love you my beautiful's!
Sending love and HOPE ~ Scar
Thursday, May 2, 2013
A tribute... May 2nd, 2013
Connections come in all shapes, forms, colors, sexes and sizes. Some can happen without out much warning, some take years to develop.The one I am writing about today formed before my dreaded diagnosis of cancer. I realized I had a connection with her far before then, I am grateful we connected before I found out. In the simplest form, people say I look like her. I do. However, our bond intensified once I found out. This topic of connections has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. Because connections come in all shapes and sizes, it shouldn't have surprised me that ours would be so strong.
My Aunt, such a beautiful woman. Her spirit was so full. Her eyes sparkled when she laughed like no one I have ever known. I so wish we didn't share this. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years before I was diagnosed with pancreas cancer. By the time I was diagnosed, she was in remission. Although they were completely different cancers, we were both subjected to very similar experiences; surgery, chemo and radiation. It was bittersweet to lean on her when I had very limited access to people who have gone through this.
I feel horrible saying this, but she battled through her cancer with my love and support, but I was at a loss to be able to give her the amount of compassion she needed. After she was done with treatment she didn't seem to bounce back the way I thought she should. Mind you, a lot of people do not understand how affected someone is, forever, once they have been diagnosed with cancer. Hell once you are faced with a disease that is life threatening things change. Even if you by some miraculous miracle find out it was a false alarm, everything changes. Above and beyond the news, you cannot put all that nasty radiation in your body and don't forget those wonderful cocktails called chemo, without doing some long term damage. I am living proof.
Once I was diagnosed with cancer she was one of my biggest allies. She sent weekly letters or cards. Each one I still have. They were so encouraging. When we would get together for Bunco nights, I would go early to talk to her. I remember one evening I was doing horrible, I felt bad, it was an over the top shitty day. I didn't want to leave, but I needed to talk to her. I knew she would give me something anything to make it go away. Little did I know the message that night was to "suck it up buttercup, life's a bitch!" I was crying when I was telling her how bad things were going at that moment and when she said those words to me everything stopped. I started laughing, so did she. It was exactly what I needed.I don't know how she knew what to say or even how it was the right thing, but I could always could count on her.
Our last girls trip together was in October of 2011. We went to Land O' Lakes. I looked forward to this trip, like all moms do when they get a few moments away. This trip was different. I was going to escape cancer. I was still in treatment and it was going to be rough. But I worked out a plan with the doctor to give me an extra week in between treatments. I think at that moment when I bargained with him for that extra week, he knew I was so done that if I would have asked for some ridiculous thing, he would have given it to me. He understood I needed to feel normal for a weekend, hell I had been in treatment since surgery in January so we were on 10 months of that. I NEEDED a vacation. So I went with the "ol' Ladies" on their girls trip. It was awesome.
On a warm day we went to Bond Falls to hike. My aunt and I joked that we wouldn't make it far, but at least we both understood the obstacles we each endured. The miracle of that day...we both climbed the stairs to the top of the water fall. No big fete to many, but for us it was a HUGE accomplishment! I will always remember her smile and laughter when we made it up there. Those eyes sparkled. We walked back down together. My mom and other aunt kept going up. As we were walking she told me she admired my courage. I was like lady, I admire yours. We each saw things in each other that I can't describe. It was another awesome connection, that will forever be between the two of us, for that I am grateful.
We lost my Aunt on October 26th, 2012. A little more than a year after our girls trip. She had a recurrence of cancer. It wasn't breast, it was much worse. It was found in her blood. She fought till the end. She was so courageous. The love she shared with people while she was dying was amazing. I remember walking into her hospital room one night and she could hardly speak. But the words she was trying to get out were this. "Make sure you make them keep you healthy. Don't let them say you are fine. Always push for them to keep you good. Don't give up." Oh my, this woman was nearing the end and we all knew it but instead of worrying about herself, she told me to stay healthy. I love her so much and I miss her more than words could ever express. I hate that cancer took her away, but I'm so very glad I've learned so much from this woman. She will forever be a HERO in my book. I am grateful for the time I have gotten to know her. I am blessed.
My Aunt, such a beautiful woman. Her spirit was so full. Her eyes sparkled when she laughed like no one I have ever known. I so wish we didn't share this. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years before I was diagnosed with pancreas cancer. By the time I was diagnosed, she was in remission. Although they were completely different cancers, we were both subjected to very similar experiences; surgery, chemo and radiation. It was bittersweet to lean on her when I had very limited access to people who have gone through this.
I feel horrible saying this, but she battled through her cancer with my love and support, but I was at a loss to be able to give her the amount of compassion she needed. After she was done with treatment she didn't seem to bounce back the way I thought she should. Mind you, a lot of people do not understand how affected someone is, forever, once they have been diagnosed with cancer. Hell once you are faced with a disease that is life threatening things change. Even if you by some miraculous miracle find out it was a false alarm, everything changes. Above and beyond the news, you cannot put all that nasty radiation in your body and don't forget those wonderful cocktails called chemo, without doing some long term damage. I am living proof.
Once I was diagnosed with cancer she was one of my biggest allies. She sent weekly letters or cards. Each one I still have. They were so encouraging. When we would get together for Bunco nights, I would go early to talk to her. I remember one evening I was doing horrible, I felt bad, it was an over the top shitty day. I didn't want to leave, but I needed to talk to her. I knew she would give me something anything to make it go away. Little did I know the message that night was to "suck it up buttercup, life's a bitch!" I was crying when I was telling her how bad things were going at that moment and when she said those words to me everything stopped. I started laughing, so did she. It was exactly what I needed.I don't know how she knew what to say or even how it was the right thing, but I could always could count on her.
Our last girls trip together was in October of 2011. We went to Land O' Lakes. I looked forward to this trip, like all moms do when they get a few moments away. This trip was different. I was going to escape cancer. I was still in treatment and it was going to be rough. But I worked out a plan with the doctor to give me an extra week in between treatments. I think at that moment when I bargained with him for that extra week, he knew I was so done that if I would have asked for some ridiculous thing, he would have given it to me. He understood I needed to feel normal for a weekend, hell I had been in treatment since surgery in January so we were on 10 months of that. I NEEDED a vacation. So I went with the "ol' Ladies" on their girls trip. It was awesome.
On a warm day we went to Bond Falls to hike. My aunt and I joked that we wouldn't make it far, but at least we both understood the obstacles we each endured. The miracle of that day...we both climbed the stairs to the top of the water fall. No big fete to many, but for us it was a HUGE accomplishment! I will always remember her smile and laughter when we made it up there. Those eyes sparkled. We walked back down together. My mom and other aunt kept going up. As we were walking she told me she admired my courage. I was like lady, I admire yours. We each saw things in each other that I can't describe. It was another awesome connection, that will forever be between the two of us, for that I am grateful.
We lost my Aunt on October 26th, 2012. A little more than a year after our girls trip. She had a recurrence of cancer. It wasn't breast, it was much worse. It was found in her blood. She fought till the end. She was so courageous. The love she shared with people while she was dying was amazing. I remember walking into her hospital room one night and she could hardly speak. But the words she was trying to get out were this. "Make sure you make them keep you healthy. Don't let them say you are fine. Always push for them to keep you good. Don't give up." Oh my, this woman was nearing the end and we all knew it but instead of worrying about herself, she told me to stay healthy. I love her so much and I miss her more than words could ever express. I hate that cancer took her away, but I'm so very glad I've learned so much from this woman. She will forever be a HERO in my book. I am grateful for the time I have gotten to know her. I am blessed.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Andy Anderson May 1, 2013
Just a reminder, these posts are not in any certain order. I owe so much to so many. To place a number to any of them would be ridiculous! They all have helped me in so many ways.
**Names have been changed. She will know who she is.**
Background: Andy Anderson and I met in high school. For some reason we hit it off immediately This boggles me, she and I were and are complete opposites. That said, I love this chick. I would give her my life. I would take a bullet for her. I know she would for me, you know how I know this. She told me she would take the cancer for me. I remember this. I don't remember everything during that time, however, I do remember her compassion and understanding while when we talked. I digress. Back in the day... Our now husbands are very close, that is how we met. We would do so much as just the four of us, party, drink, drive fast, watch races, watch fights, laugh, you name it we did it. We were tight.
In our relationship our friendship had some hard times, we almost didn't make it. But our bond was one that took the beating and came out on the other side stronger than I could have imagined. We joke about that time, now. So how did she help me through this you ask?
When I told her I had cancer, she was shocked. She did the routine that most people did. Let me know what you need, I'll be there. I was like yeah, yeah, it's not gonna be that bad. We'll be all good. Famous last words, right? Well I wasn't good. I was terrible. Life sucked. She was there though. I laugh when I think of how she says she wasn't. If she only knew, maybe after tonight she will understand the amount she truly helped me! Here's an example. I didn't call anyone after my surgery. It took so much to talk. It was exhausting. It hurt like hell just to breathe, add talking and it was a down hill slope to more pain meds. Speaking of pain meds, I was advised not to talk to too many people while taking the drugs I was on. Apparently you think you are making sense and the reality is you don't, at all! So the less I talked, the better.
She would call me, almost weekly. She would always ask the questions... How are you? How do you feel? What do you need? How can I help? What's new? What's changing? How's chemo? How many left? All those are legitimate questions, she just wanted to know. So I answered them the best I could. There was one however that I never could answer, I riled her up by not knowing this one. What is your number at? (My Ca-19-9, Tumor marker) I never knew when she called. Not because I didn't want to know, but because it was usually the day I would have chemo and I wouldn't find out until the next day or a week later when I went in to have another lovely cocktail. She held her cool, until a couple of weeks ago and then told me she was mad I never knew. I love her for that. This girl is honest. Doesn't matter the stakes, she tells you how it is and oh my GAWDs, she does it respectfully. (to me anyway, lol)
During those calls, I started out only lasting 5 mins or so on the phone; if that. She knew when it was time to say goodbye. She made it a regular to call me. She never let me ask about her, she wanted it to be about me. She made me know she LOVES me. I also remember a not so pleasant conversation with her. I didn't call her to tell her I was having liver complications. I just didn't want to stress her out. I didn't know what the hell was going on. But my lovely husband told her lovely husband and then I got the call. I could hear the anger in her voice for not telling her myself. I truly was and am sorry for that. I just didn't want anything else to be wrong. I hated worrying her and everyone else. But again, she was there. Telling me she was there and if I needed anything, to call. I am so grateful for this woman in my life she truly is AMAZEBALLS!
So Andy Anderson, if I have not ever told you, or if I have... Ima say it again, I love you more than you know. I am grateful for all you have done for me. I cherish our friendship and look forward to being your right hand woman when you need someone to carry a baseball bat, cuz you know I would do that shit for you!
**Names have been changed. She will know who she is.**
Background: Andy Anderson and I met in high school. For some reason we hit it off immediately This boggles me, she and I were and are complete opposites. That said, I love this chick. I would give her my life. I would take a bullet for her. I know she would for me, you know how I know this. She told me she would take the cancer for me. I remember this. I don't remember everything during that time, however, I do remember her compassion and understanding while when we talked. I digress. Back in the day... Our now husbands are very close, that is how we met. We would do so much as just the four of us, party, drink, drive fast, watch races, watch fights, laugh, you name it we did it. We were tight.
In our relationship our friendship had some hard times, we almost didn't make it. But our bond was one that took the beating and came out on the other side stronger than I could have imagined. We joke about that time, now. So how did she help me through this you ask?
When I told her I had cancer, she was shocked. She did the routine that most people did. Let me know what you need, I'll be there. I was like yeah, yeah, it's not gonna be that bad. We'll be all good. Famous last words, right? Well I wasn't good. I was terrible. Life sucked. She was there though. I laugh when I think of how she says she wasn't. If she only knew, maybe after tonight she will understand the amount she truly helped me! Here's an example. I didn't call anyone after my surgery. It took so much to talk. It was exhausting. It hurt like hell just to breathe, add talking and it was a down hill slope to more pain meds. Speaking of pain meds, I was advised not to talk to too many people while taking the drugs I was on. Apparently you think you are making sense and the reality is you don't, at all! So the less I talked, the better.
She would call me, almost weekly. She would always ask the questions... How are you? How do you feel? What do you need? How can I help? What's new? What's changing? How's chemo? How many left? All those are legitimate questions, she just wanted to know. So I answered them the best I could. There was one however that I never could answer, I riled her up by not knowing this one. What is your number at? (My Ca-19-9, Tumor marker) I never knew when she called. Not because I didn't want to know, but because it was usually the day I would have chemo and I wouldn't find out until the next day or a week later when I went in to have another lovely cocktail. She held her cool, until a couple of weeks ago and then told me she was mad I never knew. I love her for that. This girl is honest. Doesn't matter the stakes, she tells you how it is and oh my GAWDs, she does it respectfully. (to me anyway, lol)
During those calls, I started out only lasting 5 mins or so on the phone; if that. She knew when it was time to say goodbye. She made it a regular to call me. She never let me ask about her, she wanted it to be about me. She made me know she LOVES me. I also remember a not so pleasant conversation with her. I didn't call her to tell her I was having liver complications. I just didn't want to stress her out. I didn't know what the hell was going on. But my lovely husband told her lovely husband and then I got the call. I could hear the anger in her voice for not telling her myself. I truly was and am sorry for that. I just didn't want anything else to be wrong. I hated worrying her and everyone else. But again, she was there. Telling me she was there and if I needed anything, to call. I am so grateful for this woman in my life she truly is AMAZEBALLS!
So Andy Anderson, if I have not ever told you, or if I have... Ima say it again, I love you more than you know. I am grateful for all you have done for me. I cherish our friendship and look forward to being your right hand woman when you need someone to carry a baseball bat, cuz you know I would do that shit for you!
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