May the 4th be with you. :)

This post is not just about one person. This is about a community. I hope you sometime in your life get the chance to be a part of this type of community. I hope you are not on the receiving end of it. Not because you don't deserve the help, but because the event that happens to be on the receiving end sucks! This community I am talking about is my children's school. Everyone; the staff, parents, principal and kids. Oh my, what a humbling experience. 

When I was in the hospital in Milwaukee, my Hubs passed along a message. "The school had their PTO meeting and you were brought up." I was like me, what did I do? I didn't even go this month, ha ha. He explained they revealed in the meeting that I had cancer and had surgery last week. They were looking for ways to join forces and be there for us. It was led by a couple, who I adore. They are extremely giving people. Our oldest boys are very close. But still that connection never prepared me for their generosity. They organized a month of meals. Really!!!?????!!!!! What the what? You are gonna feed my family for a month? WOW! (That was just the tip, there was so much more!)

So we went on line at the hospital and looked at who had signed up already. I was humbled numerous times. Many of the parents and teachers had either had my kids or my kids were friends with them, then there were many others that didn't even know who we were, yet were so willing to do this for us. I cannot tell you. I cried and hard. I mean come on, the filled the calendar for a whole month. If you have ever tried to organize something, filling a month of volunteers is hard. Guess what? They all also came through, no one skipped out. They were there for us!

One day a teacher, a very special math teacher, brought the kids dinner, I was in the hospital in Green Bay for this dinner, but she went out of her way to ask each of my kids what they wanted for dinner. They all agreed Chinese food, but their requests would have made the faint of heart turn and say no. She didn't, she got them each their weird requests. My kids were so happy that night. They called me to tell me. This woman deserves a medal, she is an awesome woman. I am blessed to have her there at the school. Still to this day she makes me smile. I appreciate her.

A lot of the food that was provided were things I couldn't eat yet. My body rejected so much in the beginning, and I never knew what I could eat. That didn't stop families from asking and then providing. Also,red dye is out for my youngest son, and everyone knew, thanks to the parents that organized the dinners. It never came in this house. I cannot tell you  how awesome that was. We are so blessed!

There were also so many parents and teachers that sent gift certificates on their own after the month was done. I was never expecting that. It was so generous of them all. I hope they all read this and know I never took any of that love and generosity for granted. If at any time any of you need anything, please call me. I will make you dinner. I will love your kids... Speaking of loving my kids. Once I was out and about, I ran into a teacher and she didn't have my kids but made it a point to hug up on my kids every chance she got. Actually I know more than one teacher at that school did that. I am crying right now thinking about how much love and support they got while we were busy taking care of me. It truly does take a village to raise kids and I am BLESSED the village we fell into stepped up to the plate and made a difference for my family. Thank you, I am forever grateful for each and every one of you!!!!!

Sending love and HOPE ~Scar

My children~May Grateful Post #3

Maybe if I have it in me I will write one about each one of them individually. But for now, this is a lump sum of gratefulness.

As some know, I have three children. They are Boy, 13; Girl, almost 11; and Boy, almost 9. So when all of this cancer stuff started they were all two years younger. You can do the math, right? Kay. So the whole ordeal of having to tell them I had cancer was not fun. We originally did not tell them. We did however tell them I had to have a major surgery and I wouldn't see them for a long period of time. I cannot tell you how hard that was. I was confident they would be fine and would taken care of, but oh my, if I ever left them it was never more than two nights. I just didn't want to do that. So thinking I would be gone anywhere from 5 days up to a month was really scary. I wished I could tell them before how long I was going to be gone and when for sure I would be back. I'm being honest when I say, I wondered if saying goodbye to them would really be good bye or just see you later.

So how did they help me through this? There are so many ways. Just being the little kids they were was a major plus. I needed them to be as normal as possible, that would be the best. I wrote them letters to open every morning and every night. I wrote about 5 days worth for each kid. So about 30 letters. Then the morning we were to leave, I was up around 12 and the Hubs was ready. So I decided I would take a stack of post it notes and leave I love you notes all over the house. I still have three in the bathroom that were stuck to the mirror. I don't have the heart to take them down. I don't know if they even remember they are from then. But I went through a red stack and a yellow one. By the time I was done, the house was littered with I love you notes. These notes very well could have been my last form of communication with them, so I wanted it to be over the top.

Thank God, that was not our last form of communication. The first time I got to talk to them was the second afternoon after I was out of ICU. I could hardly talk, I was tired. I had physical therapy that day and had done my laps, so I was worn out. But I remember listening to them talk to me. That did it. I didn't care what I had to do, I was getting home. So many complications, but eventually I made it home.

Even though they did not come to see me, they sent me letters.(The Hubs and my mom traveled back and forth every two to three days to switch off taking care of the kids and being there for me.) I have each one they sent me. I will forever keep them in my keepsake box. Trying to figure out how to still be mom once I was home was hard. I don't even know how to describe this, but I think I was home for a couple of days before I ended back in the hospital with a life threatening infection. This happened three times, each time was harder on them. But each time, they reminded me why I needed to be home with them.

These kids are awesome, I don't remember any of them crying for me. I know they each were trying to be strong little soldiers for me. It breaks my heart looking back, they must have been so scared. Who wouldn't be. Their mom had cancer and everyone knows the connotation that comes with that word. It sucks. Again, they were soldiers. They trucked on in this very emotional time. One of my favorite things was when they would come home from school and yell, mom (now they didn't have to yell, I was in the next room and could hear everything) we are home, and we love you. Also, while doing homework they would crawl in next to me, whether I was on the couch or in my bed and they would do their daily reading to me. I think I fell asleep almost every time, but it was so worth those 20 mins of one on one time that we each shared. They also took the parent role and tucked me into bed every night. This happened until I was able to walk up and down the stairs to tuck them in myself.

Their spirit and child like love is what made me get through. I love them to pieces. They are truly worth living for. I will fight this nasty thing until the end no matter what. I will always fight and it's because of them. I won't give in or up. I love you my beautiful's!

Sending love and HOPE ~ Scar

A tribute... May 2nd, 2013

Connections come in all shapes, forms, colors, sexes and sizes. Some can happen without out much warning, some take years to develop.The one I am writing about today formed before my dreaded diagnosis of cancer. I realized I had a connection with her far before then, I am grateful we connected before I found out. In the simplest form, people say I look like her. I do. However, our bond intensified once I found out. This topic of connections has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. Because connections come in all shapes and sizes, it shouldn't have surprised me that ours would be so strong.

My Aunt, such a beautiful woman. Her spirit was so full. Her eyes sparkled when she laughed like no one I have ever known. I so wish we didn't share this. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years before I was diagnosed with pancreas cancer. By the time I was diagnosed, she was in remission. Although they were completely different cancers, we were both subjected to very similar experiences; surgery, chemo and radiation. It was bittersweet to lean on her when I had very limited access to people who have gone through this. 

I feel horrible saying this, but she battled through her cancer with my love and support, but I was at a loss to be able to give her the amount of compassion she needed. After she was done with treatment she didn't seem to bounce back the way I thought she should. Mind you, a lot of people do not understand how affected someone is, forever, once they have been diagnosed with cancer. Hell once you are faced with a disease that is life threatening things change. Even if you by some miraculous miracle find out it was a false alarm, everything changes. Above and beyond the news, you cannot put all that nasty radiation in your body and don't forget those wonderful cocktails called chemo, without doing some long term damage. I am living proof. 

Once I was diagnosed with cancer she was one of my biggest allies. She sent weekly letters or cards. Each one I still have. They were so encouraging. When we would get together for Bunco nights, I would go early to talk to her. I remember one evening I was doing horrible, I felt bad, it was an over the top shitty day. I didn't want to leave, but I needed to talk to her. I knew she would give me something anything to make it go away. Little did I know the message that night was to "suck it up buttercup, life's a bitch!" I was crying when I was telling her how bad things were going at that moment and when she said those words to me everything stopped. I started laughing, so did she. It was exactly what I needed.I don't know how she knew what to say or even how it was the right thing, but I could always could count on her. 

Our last girls trip together was in October of 2011. We went to Land O' Lakes. I looked forward to this trip, like all moms do when they get a few moments away. This trip was different. I was going to escape cancer. I was still in treatment and it was going to be rough. But I worked out a plan with the doctor to give me an extra week in between treatments. I think at that moment when I bargained with him for that extra week, he knew I was so done that if I would have asked for some ridiculous thing, he would have given it to me. He understood I needed to feel normal for a weekend, hell I had been in treatment since surgery in January so we were on 10 months of that. I NEEDED a vacation. So I went with the "ol' Ladies" on their girls trip. It was awesome. 

On a warm day we went to Bond Falls to hike. My aunt and I joked that we wouldn't make it far, but at least we both understood the obstacles we each endured. The miracle of that day...we both climbed the stairs to the top of the water fall. No big fete to many, but for us it was a HUGE accomplishment! I will always remember her smile and laughter when we made it up there. Those eyes sparkled. We walked back down together. My mom and other aunt kept going up. As we were walking she told me she admired my courage. I was like lady, I admire yours. We each saw things in each other that I can't describe. It was another awesome connection, that will forever be between the two of us, for that I am grateful.

We lost my Aunt on October 26th, 2012. A little more than a year after our girls trip. She had a recurrence of cancer. It wasn't breast, it was much worse. It was found in her blood. She fought till the end. She was so courageous. The love she shared with people while she was dying was amazing. I remember walking into her hospital room one night and she could hardly speak. But the words she was trying to get out were this. "Make sure you make them keep you healthy. Don't let them say you are fine. Always push for them to keep you good. Don't give up." Oh my, this woman was nearing the end and we all knew it but instead of worrying about herself, she told me to stay healthy. I love her so much and I miss her more than words could ever express. I hate that cancer took her away, but I'm so very glad I've learned so much from this woman. She will forever be a HERO in my book. I am grateful for the time I have gotten to know her. I am blessed.

Andy Anderson May 1, 2013

Just a reminder, these posts are not in any certain order. I owe so much to so many. To place a number to any of them would be ridiculous! They all have helped me in so many ways.
**Names have been changed. She will know who she is.**

Background: Andy Anderson and I met in high school. For some reason we hit it off immediately  This boggles me, she and I were and are complete opposites. That said, I love this chick. I would give her my life. I would take a bullet for her. I know she would for me, you know how I know this. She told me she would take the cancer for me. I remember this. I don't remember everything during that time, however, I do remember her compassion and understanding while when we talked. I digress. Back in the day... Our now husbands are very close, that is how we met. We would do so much as just the four of us, party, drink, drive fast, watch races, watch fights, laugh, you name it we did it. We were tight. 
In our relationship our friendship had some hard times, we almost didn't make it. But our bond was one that took the beating and came out on the other side stronger than I could have imagined. We joke about that time, now. So how did she help me through this you ask?

When I told her I had cancer, she was shocked. She did the routine that most people did. Let me know what you need, I'll be there. I was like yeah, yeah, it's not gonna be that bad. We'll be all good. Famous last words, right? Well I wasn't good. I was terrible. Life sucked. She was there though. I laugh when I think of how she says she wasn't. If she only knew, maybe after tonight she will understand the amount she truly helped me! Here's an example. I didn't call anyone after my surgery. It took so much to talk. It was exhausting. It hurt like hell just to breathe, add talking and it was a down hill slope to more pain meds. Speaking of pain meds, I was advised not to talk to too many people while taking the drugs I was on. Apparently you think you are making sense and the reality is you don't, at all! So the less I talked, the better.

She would call me, almost weekly. She would always ask the questions... How are you? How do you feel? What do you need? How can I help? What's new? What's changing? How's chemo? How many left? All those are legitimate questions, she just wanted to know. So I answered them the best I could. There was one however that I never could answer, I riled her up by not knowing this one. What is your number at? (My Ca-19-9, Tumor marker) I never knew when she called. Not because I didn't want to know, but because it was usually the day I would have chemo and I wouldn't find out until the next day or a week later when I went in to have another lovely cocktail. She held her cool, until a couple of weeks ago and then told me she was mad I never knew. I love her for that. This girl is honest. Doesn't matter the stakes, she tells you how it is and oh my GAWDs, she does it respectfully. (to me anyway, lol)

During those calls, I started out only lasting 5 mins or so on the phone; if that. She knew when it was time to say goodbye. She made it a regular to call me. She never let me ask about her, she wanted it to be about me. She made me know she LOVES me. I also remember a not so pleasant conversation with her. I didn't call her to tell her I was having liver complications. I just didn't want to stress her out. I didn't know what the hell was going on. But my lovely husband told her lovely husband and then I got the call. I could hear the anger in her voice for not telling her myself. I truly was and am sorry for that. I just didn't want anything else to be wrong. I hated worrying her and everyone else. But again, she was there. Telling me she was there and if I needed anything, to call. I am so grateful for this woman in my life she truly is AMAZEBALLS! 

So Andy Anderson, if I have not ever told you, or if I have... Ima say it again, I love you more than you know. I am grateful for all you have done for me. I cherish our friendship and look forward to being your right hand woman when you need someone to carry a baseball bat, cuz you know I would do that shit for you!

April 20, 2011 (Part one)

So here goes a flashback: Part one

It was a Wednesday... April 20th, 2011. I was back in the hospital (yep, again). It was Easter weekend. I was upset. I was more upset because it was our anniversary. The BIG 10 years. It was an anniversary that I looked forward to from the day we got married. I know some people look at year 7 and think, whew, we made it. That is what I thought was going to be it for this one, I had so many expectations. All of a sudden it turned into, am I even going to make it through year ten to number eleven?

I remember riding in the van, head in a pink bucket, you know the ones right? They are rectangle, great for keeping to use later when you scrub floors? Yes, No? Anywho. Another trip to Green Bay. I was dying, or so I felt like it. It was almost two years ago, but I tell you those nightmares fade, but they don't go away and in an instant, they are back and bright. Everything hurt. I was at a point in my chemo when I would get deep muscle joint pains 24 hours after it was administered and then it would last for about a week. It was hell. Thank God for drugs. So every bump we went over was hell. Then I would dry heave. Oh man the headache. I look back and wonder what the other drivers thought as we raced by?

We sped. He would always have me there in almost 30 mins. A normal drive there should take 45 to 50 depending on traffic. I don't like it when he speeds, but when you don't know if you are going to make it, speeding is fine. I got over it. They were expecting us. They had a room for us. They asked if I needed a wheel chair? Nope, I am gonna walk myself up there. It's a pride thing. So I did. I was still dry heaving. It was hell. 

We got to my room. They never could figure out where to put me. One time I was on the birthing floor, another I was on the first floor with just general admissions, this time I was on the geriatric floor. God, does this really mean I am dying this time? Please HELP me! The nurses were busy, so I sat in my chair and I rocked. Trying to find my zen. So hard this time. I was so sick. My temp was around 104 I was still dry heaving. And his look. God, I hate that look. It makes me cry. There's nothing he could do for me. I was here, but for how long. I had moments where I truly wanted to die. Just take me away. This pain and anguish is not what I signed up for. I didn't even want this damn cancer. I'll take it, but dammit, take the pain. It HURTS!

Finally the nurse came in. By now, I had the full on shakes. Nothing could warm me up. She said I needed to put on a gown, so we could get things started. I said I am not getting naked until I warm up. Something in her knew not to fight with me. She let me climb in bed with all my clothes on plus my jacket. She sterilized my port site and stuck me. She didn't have orders yet for pain meds, she would have them soon. I had to see the internist to get them though. 

What was really about an hour felt like days. I was finally checked in. I had a CT scan scheduled for 11:30 that night. All I had to do was drink my drink and wait. I looked at my hubs and told him to go home. The kids were there. They would need him when they woke up. I didn't say good bye on my way out. My biggest regret in all of this. My youngest still wakes up at night just to look for me. He finds me in bed and then goes back to sleep. Ugh, just think, your six year old watching you die right in front of him. Nothing he can do. No words can make it better for him. It's his mom. It's me. No matter what I do, I cannot protect them from seeing me go through this. If it ever happens to you, say good bye in the middle of the night when you need to leave. They will miss you, but they will be prepared.

Hubs left, although, he wanted to stay. I worked on drinking my drink. I had to sip it. I vomited. Had to sip it, still. Right before 11:30, they came to get me. I vomited again. But thank God, a little was in me, enough to do the scan. Before we went, I finally changed into a gown. I still wore my sweatshirt, because the chills were still there. Did the scan. Threw up again. All of this because I had chemo. All of this because...I had an abscess inside that was getting worse. This was the third time I had been in because of this infection. They called the doctor for infection and disease control. 

Let me tell you something... She was the nicest doctor. However, no matter how nice they are, it makes you feel pretty low when they hang a sign on your door saying they have to take MRSA precautions. No one may enter the room without being gowned and gloved. I couldn't leave the room anymore without also being gowned and gloved. I didn't have MRSA this time, (I did have MRSA in my nose when I had my surgery. I was treated and have been MRSA free ever since) but they weren't sure what the infection was, how bad it was,  how it got there or how I might pass it along. So from that moment I was quarantined and felt like I was the plague. Looking back, I wasn't, they were just taking precautions.  But come on... I had been through enough, and this I tell you was icing on the cake. 

Finally somewhere around 1, the nurse came in and gave me pain meds. I was really happy for the joint pain to be going away, but was really upset the headache was in full force. So I got Tylenol for that, who knew? lol Guess what? I drifted off to sleep thinking my anniversary is today. It's Thursday April 21, 2011. Our ten year anniversary. I am in a hospital bed feeling like I am dying. What fun! Happy Freaking Anniversary!

Till Soon ~Scar

Oncologist Check Up

Good Morning All,

So it's easier to write it in a blog than to have a page long post of my results from yesterday's 3 month check up. 
Labs: Liver Function test came in at 209. Yes, this is high and still indicates my liver is not functioning correctly. A normal liver test should be under 100 for ALP and 55 for ALT and AST. I don't know what each of those means, I just know mine (all three are in the 200's) are elevated. This indicates I am still having issues. On the bright side is it is still down from the highest at 249. He says as of now, this is stable for me. The problem lies with my drainage tube in the liver. It is scarred and the inflammation in it prevents proper drainage. Nothing to be concerned about at this time. We will still check it every 3 months.
Other labs were good. I am always concerned with my glucose. Having half of my pancreas gone, I could become insulin dependent at any time. This lab is within normal range.
My Cancer Antigen won't be in for 48 hours, so when it gets posted, I will post.

We did talk about my exhaustion. He asked what I have been doing lately and he chuckled because I don't give myself enough credit. I still expect the world out of my body and it just can't keep up. First he said, it's not like you haven't been through hell. Give yourself some time. So he told me to rest when needed and push when I can. Lot of help that is. lol I appreciate his understanding, it keeps me from feeling crazy, but of course the person that I am makes it hard for me to accept this change. But, I will try. The truth is, I will continue to push. But I will work at being less hard on myself for needing the rest.

Pain wise, he says by feeling (I call it the push and wince test, where they push all over your body and ask if it hurts, I always say no, except for around my scar) around, I am getting better. I winced less than I have in the past. 

All in all, a great visit. I love seeing him. He has a level of compassion that I have never encountered. We talk about the hubs and the kids. We talk about his wife and his children. He let me into his world, I appreciate that. He is not just my doctor, he is my angel.

I've Been Tagged

Who am I????

                                         Who are you?

I was honored to be tagged by  Composing the Dream as I go  for this. I will be tagging some of my favorite blogs at the end. Now to give you some more info on me!

1. Where were you born? IDAHO! I am a potato, but actually dislike them.

2. Were you named after someone? My middle name is Elizabeth, after my mom's aunt.

3. How many children do you have? Three on this beautiful place we call Earth...

4. How many pets do you have? I have 3 cats, Murphy, Kaly, Jasper. We have a fur-baby... Her name is Lily. She is a Bernese Mountain Dog.

5. Your worst injury? Self Induced: I don't remember the story, but I flipped over my bike handles when I was 6. Someone forgot to shut the front door of our house, and I knew my dad would be angry. So I slammed on the front brakes. I don't remember anything other than waking up in my parents bed and my dad asking if I wanted ice cream. His fix for everything. I love him so much! Not Self Induced: Pancreas Cancer.

6. Do you have a special talent? I can sing. I also can find almost anything that someone has lost in our house. I think it's a mom thing.

7. Favorite thing to bake? I make a kick ass Lemon Pound Cake. 

8. Favorite fast food? Hardee's Frisco Burger... YUMMY! Have loved it since I was a kid.

9. Would you bungee jump? I am not sure. I would love to say yes in a heartbeat, but I guess I would have to see how I felt the day of.

10. What is the first thing you notice about people? How they are interacting with people around them. Are they talking nice? Do they smile? Are they crabby? Are they yelling? Compassionate? Will they look me in the eyes? Next, I look at their eyes. 

11. When was the last time you cried? really cried?? A couple of weeks ago. 

12. Any current worries? I try not to worry. I guess my biggest right now are my children. I don't wanna mess them up. I want them to be safe and happy, un-bullied and  loved.

13. Name 3 drinks you drink regularly. Water, Coffee, Jasmine Tea and Dt. Pepsi, (I know they said 3, but I'm writing this!)

14. What's your favorite book? Religious, The Bible. Non-religious... I know this sounds corny but New Moon in the Twilight Series. I fell in love with Jacob in that book. He was willing to love her even with all of her faults and even though she didn't love him completely. The movie so did not do him justice...

15. Would you like to be a pirate? Only, if Jack Sparrow was my man.

16. Favorite smells? Jasmine, Honeysuckle, Lilac and Christmas.

17. Why do you blog? I can share my story with everyone. It's not an easy thing to share, but I feel safe. I feel like the other bloggers out there would have my back if I needed it.

18. What song do you want played at your funeral? Greensleeves. My All by Mariah Carey. There are others, but I am put on the spot right now, so I cannot think.

19. What is your favorite thing about yourself? I love unconditionally.

20. Favorite hobby? Right now Crocheting.

21. Name something you've done, you never thought you would do? Fall in love at 15 and still be in love with the same man at 32.

22. What do you look for in a friend? Trust, love, compassion. Funny, strong, crazy. I really need them to understand, I am not who I used to be, but yet still love me for me.

23. Favorite fun things to do? I love getting together with family. I love volunteering at my kid's school. I love hanging with my kids.

24. Pet Peeves? Judgmental people that need to look within first. PMS, yes my own irritates me, I wish I didn't have it. I have to try extra hard during that time to be non snarly.

25. What's the last thing that made you laugh? When I hear my hubby laugh, it makes me laugh. So his reaction to a show last night made me laugh. 

Now tag some bloggers to pass along this quiz to!

I am tagging:

Tripping While Standing Still

Parenting Savages & Restoring Common Sense 1 Drink at a Time