ICU

I thought I knew a few things going into this... The pain would not be bad because it would be controlled. I would not wake up on a vent. I would wake up in a recovery room. My family would be there soon... or so I thought.

Nothing was as they said it would be. It took me months to realize the smell I smelt was actually something I tasted. The nurse was clearing an iv line and I tasted the saline. Ick, is all I can say. I cannot describe the horrible taste, it just is horrible. I woke up in ICU, I had made it out of surgery but it took much longer than expected and my pulse ox didn't recover as they had hoped. Hence the vent. I was helpless. I tried to cry, I did a bit, but then my stuffy nose made it harder to breath.  Let me try to explain how the vent felt. Breathing is involuntary, we just do it. So when I was awake, I wanted to breathe on my own. But there was something (the vent) that made it harder. I don't know if others fight it, but I know I did, hard. The nurse kept telling me to relax. Easier said than done.

After what felt like hours, although it really was minutes, my husband, mom and in laws came in. I had quite the mixed reaction from my point of view. I don't know what was going through their minds at this time, I don't have the heart to ask. So from me. I was mad. I was tied to the bed, this was so I didn't pull any tubes out. Looking back, I would have. I was scared and I was in pain, boy was I ever in pain. Whoever said you can go through this surgery and not feel pain obviously has never had this surgery. I have a high pain tolerance. Some of things that should have caused pain, but I dealt with are: Kidney stones, had them never knew until I had an X-ray. Supposedly they hurt. Another would be child birth. 3 kids, no pain meds other than something that relaxes you. Yeah, right. lol

Somehow I thought in my state I would be able to convey to them I was in a lot of pain. Somehow I managed to write something on a white board to say I was in pain. Yeah right. Not sure what I wrote, probably a bunch of scribbles, but somehow they knew. The nurse said I couldn't have pain meds because I wasn't waking up. I was screaming in my head, NOT AWAKE? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING RIGHT NOW? I AM AWAKE! I don't know how long that lasted. I eventually got meds. I was very irritated then. I was also very nauseous. I hate feeling like that. My mom told the nurse, I remember he laughed. I wasn't going to throw up, I couldn't because I had a tube down my nose to make sure my stomach stayed empty. I was okay, even if I didn't understand I was.

I loved that my family was there for me, but I resented everything. I couldn't see beyond the pain. I have come to find out with pain if you don't get it dealt with right away, it creeps in and gets worse and then you have to fight an uphill battle. But I would love to tell the nurse and doctor that it is painful, you can't have someone slice you open from side to side and up your chest and it not hurt, plus the inside pain. God Almighty, it hurts!

That first night was long. I just wanted to go into my own world. I work that way. When there is pain, I need to close my eyes. I need to drift far away. It is how I cope. But every few minutes there was someone in my room doing something. The ICU is always lit up. My television was always on, which was okay because I think I was always aware it was on. I remember once the doctor came in to check on me and he got so mad. It looked like I was sleeping. I wasn't I had my eyes shut dealing with my pain. He didn't stick around long enough to see I was awake. He gave the nurse the orders for the day and said he would be back. He was a lot.

 He also brought Wendy and Spencer with him. I love them. They are his side kicks. I don't know their titles. They could order drugs and things, so they may be doctors too, but they we didn't say doctor. We called them by their first names. Wendy was there at night. She was my savior in this. She would make me laugh. The first time they made me stand up was a challenge, so many tubes connected to me and iv's. Plus I had 3 drainage tubes out the sides of me, it truly was a challenge. Well when I stood up, something pulled, it hurt, it stung, it was horrible. I sat back down and thought I am gonna die. That's their plan. Ugh. It was Wendy that realized the drainage tube on my left side pulled when I stood. She finagled it to make it not hurt. Thank God for Spencer and Wendy!

There are a bunch of horrible details that go with the ICU visit. I am still not at a place I can freely talk about them. Maybe someday. It wasn't the ICU's fault. They had a wonderful nursing staff. They treated me well. I just have PTSD from the surgery. I really do. So there are a lot of things I have blocked and really don't want back. It was horrible frightening journey that I am not completely ready to relive. So what I have written is what I can. I was in ICU for a total of 3 days. The next blog is about the hospital stay. Many challenges to overcome in short amount of time.

Till Soon...