Adjustment Disorder

According to:http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001928/

Adjustment disorder is a group of symptoms, such as stress, feeling sad or hopeless, and physical symptoms that can occur after you go through a stressful life event.

The symptoms occur because you are having a hard time coping, and the reaction is stronger or greater than what would be expected for the type of event that occurred.

Let me start off by posing a question. How would any normal human being adjust to having their world flip turned upside down? I obviously had a stronger than normal reaction. I still struggle with the actual diagnosis, I don't believe any one person out there can predict what is normal for someone who has gone through what I have in the last two years. That said, I do see a therapist and I think seeing her prevented me from going into a full depression and for that I am grateful!

I hate admitting I have a mental disorder. It almost cripples me to say it. All I want now is to be normal. I want to wake up, drink my coffee, get ready, get my kids ready and off to school. Then I want to do something productive in my day, get kids, come home, make dinner and enjoy the evening with my family. Is this too perfect? Probably, but this is why they say I have the disorder. I can't accept my life is not going to be this easy and carefree. I have problems, medical and non medical. I am human.


The months before cancer I was normal... as normal as Wonder Woman could be. I held a part time job, I went to school full-time (15 credits) to which I was on the Dean's list, I had, and still have three kids, a husband, a house to clean and dinner to make, I baby sat before and after school for my best friends daughter, I also volunteered at the kids school, lastly, but not least I had homework, a ton of it;  typical life of a mom, right?  

Fast forward through the surgery, chemo, radiation, chemo, and now liver disease and we come to present day. I no longer go to school. I was enrolled to go this last fall, but when we went on a family vacation they kind of had an intervention showing me that I just wasn't ready. I have days where I still can't get out of bed. So what happens when I can't get out of bed for school? How many professors are really going to understand? 

I don't babysit for my friend anymore. I still work part time but it usually ends up as a marathon day of work. I skip work for various health reasons or doctor appointments and then have 6 weeks to catch up on. Like this weekend. I worked for 6 hours and I still have at least 5 more to go. Ugh. I no longer have homework to do, but my kids are older, and I sit with them while they do theirs or at least am available to them if they need me. I still have a house to clean, and to make it easier on me I try to save some money and pay to have some things cleaned, like the bathroom and the floors. I would love to say I still put dinner on the table every night, but I don't. I strive for that, but 4 out of 7 days, it's either pizza, nuggets or hot dogs. Not gourmet by any means. 

My life has changed. I am not me any more. Someone else has taken up residence in my head. I have to write myself notes to keep up. There are times I have had conversations with people and I don't remember them at all. This, thank God, is getting better. My poor hubby... One day we had the same conversation at least five times. He was very gracious and kept answering politely. Eventually he said, Hun we talked about this already more than once. I honestly didn't remember, but I trusted him that we had. 

I can't say I have a bad life, it is just different. Take today for example. I wanted to get a load of laundry done, grocery shop, clean the living room floor, write a blog and make dinner. No problem, right? Wrong. I got the grocery shopping done, got home ate breakfast and got sick. Went to bed. Got up at 1230 laid in bed because I still didn't feel well. I ended up feeling better as the day went, but nothing except dinner got accomplished aside from the grocery shopping. We had homemade Chicken Alfredo with Brussel Sprouts and Texas toast. That was an accomplishment in and of itself. However, I still look at today as a failed day. I didn't get the other stuff done. I fail in my eyes almost daily.

With this adjustment disorder came a therapist. Her name is Renee, and she is wonderful. I didn't like that she labeled me in the beginning, but I have come to accept the help. Through this therapy I have been learning how to accept the way my life is. So the hardest thing for me to accept was being a stay at home mom. When my husband and I married, that's all I wanted, to have a family and be able to stay home with them. I wanted to raise my babes, not someone else raise them. So by the third kid, I was exactly that. After L started school, I decided I was destined for more. I needed to get out and make something of myself. So I went back to school. So why is being a stay at home mom so damn hard for me now you ask? Because I didn't choose it. I didn't choose any of this crap. I didn't choose cancer, sickness, surgery, back injury or the liver disease. It is not what I planned on doing. I just lumped being a stay at home mom with the negativity of cancer. It's not negative at all, I do enjoy the job, but on my terms.

Ultimately I need to take one day at a time. I have to schedule things into my life and when I do I have to make sure I don't schedule too much at one time, for fear of becoming over worked and then getting sick. I hope things will change, I pray for that. But there are times I wonder if my prayers are unanswered because I am supposed to be learning something and giving up what I cannot do. If this is the case, I may never heal completely. I still want to do it all. That is my mentality. I am Wonder Woman after all, and doesn't she just do it all herself? 

I hope this blog will invoke empathy for someone you know that is going through a hard time. It doesn't always have to be a sickness. It can be the winter months and the person has the seasonal disorder. It could be a silent medical illness only visible to the person that has it. Whatever the case may be, please do not judge others. Love as you want to be loved. You truly have not walked in their shoes, and they have not walked in yours. Be kind.

Till Soon.