I was almost to Kaukauna when it dawned on me, I drive this drive on auto pilot. I am aware of what goes on around me, the cars the places of business, the landmarks. If there were no other vehicles, I could probably be blindfolded and make the drive to Green Bay. I almost guarantee I would arrive unscathed. My trip today was again to see a doctor. This one to see the surgeon about my liver and a follow up from taking out my stent from my pancreas. I am not sure if it was the weather or what, but my mood wasn't bright and chippy today. In fact, I was quite sullen. Not my usual self, that's for sure.
I had a lot on my mind and nothing all at once. So basically I was conflicted with emotion. I have come to accept these days and in accepting them, I try to feel the emotions, instead of fighting them. So in that fashion, I am going to share these thoughts with you. Some may be hard to read, please forgive me. Some may seem weird or out of place, again please forgive me. I am giving you a glimpse into my vulnerable side today.
Before my treatment started I had a couple of weeks to wrap my head around all that was going on and try to prepare for things unknown. For the most part I tried to stay very positive. I did this mostly for my kids and husband. I was always the strong supporter in our house. If I could handle things and stay in control all was good. So true to myself Pre-treatment was like me, positive. During treatment it was fight or flight, but still positive. I didn't have any time to be negative. I needed to be positive regardless of what was going on. Even on deaths door (I was there a couple of times) I needed to stay positive.
It has only been after treatment that I have come to understand the gravity of the situation. I could have died. I am having complications still. There may come a point in my recovery that we come to a hurdle that cannot be jumped. Medical intervention is an awesome thing, but what happens when they don't know what to do anymore. Here are a few things I know... If the cancer comes back, and it can, there is nothing at this time that they could do to save me again. If I were 60 and having the complications that I have, they would let nature take its course. Not because they don't care, but because there is only so much intervention they can do.
Today I thought about the what ifs. I took a moment and let negativity control my thoughts...
I am okay with where I am going. Death in and of itself does not scare me. My fright comes from leaving those I love behind. I also have faith my husband will eventually have eternity with me. However, I want to make sure my kids will be there as well. That thought gets me. I want to be a part of their spiritual walk. I need them to know what I know. I don't want to leave before I am confident they will be with me in the end.
I don't want my husband to be alone. We have talked about what we would do if one of us passes. Neither of us feel we could move on to be with someone else. The thing is, I want him to find a partner, someone to share his life with. He is an amazing man and he deserves to be loved by someone if I am not here. How do I get him to do that? He doesn't like to talk about death let alone moving on.
My kids...
Our oldest; today I wondered if I would make it to the 5 year mark and be able to see him become an Eagle Scout. He is an amazing kid. He wears his heart on his sleeve, he is very smart. Every day he surprises me with his knowledge. I cry just thinking that I possibly won't be there for this milestone in his life. Not to mention girlfriends, college, marriage and kids. I don't want to miss out on any of that. There is so much that I want to say to him, but it's not the right time now, I don't want to scare him.
Our only daughter... I don't want to miss her laugh, it's contagious. She also is bright, funny and so lovable. I want to be there for her first boyfriend, for the prom, for college and for her wedding as well. But mostly I want to someday see her become a mom. She has this nurturing nature about her and I don't want her to not be able to talk to me as I did with my mom (about babies and such).
Our youngest. Good Lord, he's only 8, he's too young to face life without his mom. He needs me. I need him. His smile, his laugh ohhhh he's just like his dad through and through.
So how will their lives continue if I am not here. I am not saying I am all that, but at times I am all that to them, as they are to me. I know deep inside they will all move forward. They would come together and be strong. They would make it all okay. However, they would go through so much pain. Everyone that has lost someone goes through that pain. Just thinking about that kills me more than anything. So each and every day I try to find the little things and hold onto them. I pray that none of this will ever be relevant and that it truly is just a bad day. That it is the weather that makes my mind think negatively. That tomorrow will be a better brighter day and my family will not be faced with losing me until I am much much older.
Till Soon~Scar
LU LU MU
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