Today's post is about a man I have never met. I love this man. I love the child of this man even more. I love the grandchildren of this man, as well. All that said, I wish I could have met him.
Dear M,
This year marks the 13th year your son has been a father. Just this week it was the anniversary of your passing. I want to take this opportunity to tell you some things.Your son is one of the kindest, strongest, most gentle men I ever have met. His fathering skills didn't come easy. I don't blame him for that. We became parents way younger than most, I was 19 he was just shy of 22. Most people that have children that young may grow into good parents, but rarely stay together. He doesn't fall into that category. He has so much love and compassion in him, he grew to be an excellent father.
There are times I look at him and I wonder which expressions are yours. I look at our children and I think the same. Does your namesake smile like you? Does she have your attitude? Does your personality shine through our last? I look at your son and wonder what he thinks when he thinks of you. He never had the chance to get to know you. As a father. As a confidant. As a disciplinarian. Later in life as a friend. He missed out on so much when it comes to you. You never took him to a ball game. How did he become such a good sports player? Where did his compassion come from? Where does his need to save the day come from? His laid back personality, was that you?
You being a small physical part of his life, he handles well. I know you are in him spiritually. There are not many times I see him break down. In fact it's extremely hard to get him to talk about you. He will, if I push. But I see the pain in his eyes. I hate that. However, there are times he has light in his eyes when we talk about you. It's often when I tell him you would be proud of him. I know you would be. He is an awesome father. His husbandry skills are superb as well! I so wish you were here to see this. Maybe you are in Heaven and are able to see him. I hope so. I hope there is a time in his life that he gets to meet you. That you get to meet him.
Please don't feel bad you left him. Although it has been hard on him. He does have two fantastic father's in his life. The first one raised him as his own. Pushed him when needing to be pushed and from what I have heard was hard on him when he needed it. I love the love they share. God works wonderfully in his works when it came to their relationship! The second father came later in his life. Their relationship started out rocky. Who would blame them? Life changed drastically for both of them. But I have been witness to their fantastic bond they share; now. God also worked wonderfully in this relationship. I am also blessed to be witness to it. In both of these relationships, I see my husband and his fathers and they have genuine friendship. I love that.
So in the last week, I have grieved for so many things. I never knew you could grieve for something you never had. But I have come to learn when it affects someone you love, the grieving is normal. My grieving is normal. I grieved for you. I grieved for my husband and all things that not having your blood father in your life does to a man. So until we meet or until you and him meet, may you really rest in peace. I love you. Thank you for your son. Thank you for his loving compassion that in some part had to have come from you. Without him, I would be lost. Although you are not here to celebrate with us, Happy Father's Day.
~Scar
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
A backward post on thankfulness.
A couple of weeks back Kelly from DeBie Hive wrote something about a friend that she thought was a true friend but turned. It brought up some real emotions for me. I think everything happens for a reason. For me it is a God thing. But I also believe there are connections and kinetic happenings that make all things possible. So it hit hard when I read what she wrote. As I am somewhat illiterate when it comes to tagging and adding people go to DeBie Hive on Facebook and check out her blog. So from what she wrote this is how I feel...
It's been six years since we've had our last blow up. I promised myself I would never walk that road with you again. In the last six years, I have reached out to you numerous times to say I am sorry and to say I care. When your dog died it was the first time. Your response was leave me the beep alone. Okay, I did. Until your dad was sick. I reached out again. How could I not? We were two peas in a pod. We did everything together. We freakin' got pregnant at the same time to show our support for each other. WHO does that? Well obviously us. Then he died. I reached out again. This time nothing. No anger back from you. Now that was an improvement.
Around the same time Kelly wrote her blog you facebook friended me. I was so caught off guard. I was in shock! My first thought was hell no. We are not going back down that road. I said never again. I meant it. Then I felt sad for you. The hubs said... "Remember the times before, she has no one in her life so she's seeking you because you will love her again. Don't do it." I took what he said but instead of listening to the no, I heard the she has no one. I want to be someone.
Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I almost died, literally. Where the hell were you then? I know you knew. For one, you had people checking up on me. I know because some told me. I also know your Ex Husband told you about what was going on. I asked him not to. He thought it was the right thing to do. So let me ask again, where the hell were you? If I matter so much now, when I was barely hanging on, where were YOU?
There you go. There's your answer. No, never again. I am finally at a point in my life where I can think of you and have no ill will. Just blessings and HOPE that you are okay. Beyond that, nothing. I think of your children, my God-Children, and cry. But as you said to me six years ago... They will never remember me. As my children will never remember you. For that I am thankful.
It's been six years since we've had our last blow up. I promised myself I would never walk that road with you again. In the last six years, I have reached out to you numerous times to say I am sorry and to say I care. When your dog died it was the first time. Your response was leave me the beep alone. Okay, I did. Until your dad was sick. I reached out again. How could I not? We were two peas in a pod. We did everything together. We freakin' got pregnant at the same time to show our support for each other. WHO does that? Well obviously us. Then he died. I reached out again. This time nothing. No anger back from you. Now that was an improvement.
Around the same time Kelly wrote her blog you facebook friended me. I was so caught off guard. I was in shock! My first thought was hell no. We are not going back down that road. I said never again. I meant it. Then I felt sad for you. The hubs said... "Remember the times before, she has no one in her life so she's seeking you because you will love her again. Don't do it." I took what he said but instead of listening to the no, I heard the she has no one. I want to be someone.
Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I almost died, literally. Where the hell were you then? I know you knew. For one, you had people checking up on me. I know because some told me. I also know your Ex Husband told you about what was going on. I asked him not to. He thought it was the right thing to do. So let me ask again, where the hell were you? If I matter so much now, when I was barely hanging on, where were YOU?
There you go. There's your answer. No, never again. I am finally at a point in my life where I can think of you and have no ill will. Just blessings and HOPE that you are okay. Beyond that, nothing. I think of your children, my God-Children, and cry. But as you said to me six years ago... They will never remember me. As my children will never remember you. For that I am thankful.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Momma L, one of three Momma's Post 12, I think. lol
Well this lady is called Momma L. I am not sure when I started calling her that, but that is who she is. I am not going to changer her name. For me calling her Momma L fits. This lady is more than a mother, she is a friend. A good one at that.
The first time I met Momma L, was the first time I met his (the Hubs) Dad as well. We went to tell them we were engaged. Oh my we were so young. I was so nervous to tell them. I wasn't sure how they would react. Would they say we were crazy, it wouldn't last? Or would they embrace us and let us live the way we felt we should. As much as I remember, they were very positive. They embraced us and our decision. Now, I was 17 when we got engaged, but we didn't get married until I was 20. That was a good thing, we grew up some in that time. But none the less, they were behind us from the beginning. They have been two of our biggest supporters still to this date.
Okay, so how did Momma L help me. Oh my in so many ways. In a way she helped me become a less shy girl. She knows me to the core and has never made me question who I was (am). She has always embraced me. For that I am grateful. During my surgery, they took my fur-baby. Now this may not seem like a big deal to some, but this was huge. Our fur-baby is timid, sssshhhhh, don't tell anyone. She smells a guy and she runs. Needless to say, leaving her with anyone was going to be difficult, let alone with Grandpa and Uncle Z. They took her on, and smiled through it. When our pup missed us so much that she wouldn't eat, they made her a pizza and let her eat their crusts. Now not the best food for the dog, but it did break the ice and she didn't starve, she began to eat normal after that. I would have let them feed her chocolate if it would have helped and not killed her.
As for cancer help, personally, Momma L made me hand made get well cards and encouragement cards on a weekly basis. I still have them all. But above all of that, this lady hates talking on the phone. Each time I went into the hospital she made it a point to call me. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is. (To understand this, you have to know how she hates being on the phone, lol)
I am so grateful for all three of the women in my life that I call mom. I would not be the woman I am today without their guidance, understanding and willingness to let me do it on my own. I will forever be grateful to all three women. I hope each one knows they have a piece of my heart, now and forever.
Sending love and HOPE,
~Scar
The first time I met Momma L, was the first time I met his (the Hubs) Dad as well. We went to tell them we were engaged. Oh my we were so young. I was so nervous to tell them. I wasn't sure how they would react. Would they say we were crazy, it wouldn't last? Or would they embrace us and let us live the way we felt we should. As much as I remember, they were very positive. They embraced us and our decision. Now, I was 17 when we got engaged, but we didn't get married until I was 20. That was a good thing, we grew up some in that time. But none the less, they were behind us from the beginning. They have been two of our biggest supporters still to this date.
Okay, so how did Momma L help me. Oh my in so many ways. In a way she helped me become a less shy girl. She knows me to the core and has never made me question who I was (am). She has always embraced me. For that I am grateful. During my surgery, they took my fur-baby. Now this may not seem like a big deal to some, but this was huge. Our fur-baby is timid, sssshhhhh, don't tell anyone. She smells a guy and she runs. Needless to say, leaving her with anyone was going to be difficult, let alone with Grandpa and Uncle Z. They took her on, and smiled through it. When our pup missed us so much that she wouldn't eat, they made her a pizza and let her eat their crusts. Now not the best food for the dog, but it did break the ice and she didn't starve, she began to eat normal after that. I would have let them feed her chocolate if it would have helped and not killed her.
As for cancer help, personally, Momma L made me hand made get well cards and encouragement cards on a weekly basis. I still have them all. But above all of that, this lady hates talking on the phone. Each time I went into the hospital she made it a point to call me. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is. (To understand this, you have to know how she hates being on the phone, lol)
I am so grateful for all three of the women in my life that I call mom. I would not be the woman I am today without their guidance, understanding and willingness to let me do it on my own. I will forever be grateful to all three women. I hope each one knows they have a piece of my heart, now and forever.
Sending love and HOPE,
~Scar
My Hubs Mom, post number 11 of gratefulness.
I met her when I was 16. It was a huge family party. Easter I think or maybe it was his little sister's birthday, either way, all parties in that family were huge and they have just gotten bigger as the kids have had many of their own kids. I don't remember which party was first. I was scared. Who wouldn't be scared? I had heard things about my boyfriend's family. Good things, but none the less I didn't know if I would hold up to what I thought were some pretty strict standards. I laugh now, because it was just me. People put themselves through so much when they think they are being judged. What I didn't know then was, my boyfriend really loved me and no matter what, they would love me too. We also had a very strong bond, we share a love; the boy.
So over the years his mom and I have come to be close and good friends. I am grateful for the relationship my husband and his mom have, this enabled us to have a strong start to our relationship. I am grateful she has always been there for my husband. Among many other times, the most important was my surgery . My in laws drove to Milwaukee to be there for the Hubs, well and for me. It was great, between my mom and his parents I didn't worry he wouldn't have an outlet, if needed. They also stayed the night and made sure everything was good with me the next day before they headed home. They came back somewhere in the middle of my stay. At least I think they did. I was on so many drugs, it's amazing I remember anything from that period of time. Must be the PTSD that makes me remember?
We don't get to see them as much as we used to, that's a lot to do with me. I am not up to being out and about as much as I used to. My first priority has always been my kids and then family, well ultimately God, Hubs, Kids then family. But now after the kids are taken care of, I don't have much left in me to share with others. She understands, I am sure there is disappointment but she does well not making me feel guilty. There are some people that would make you feel guilty for how many times I have had to back out of things, but not her. For that I am grateful. My heart is still in the right place, my body just fails me more times than I can count, or would like to admit. So this post, I hope, shows I am grateful for one of the two mommies I inherited from my hubby. Happy Mother's Day mom!
~Scar
So over the years his mom and I have come to be close and good friends. I am grateful for the relationship my husband and his mom have, this enabled us to have a strong start to our relationship. I am grateful she has always been there for my husband. Among many other times, the most important was my surgery . My in laws drove to Milwaukee to be there for the Hubs, well and for me. It was great, between my mom and his parents I didn't worry he wouldn't have an outlet, if needed. They also stayed the night and made sure everything was good with me the next day before they headed home. They came back somewhere in the middle of my stay. At least I think they did. I was on so many drugs, it's amazing I remember anything from that period of time. Must be the PTSD that makes me remember?
We don't get to see them as much as we used to, that's a lot to do with me. I am not up to being out and about as much as I used to. My first priority has always been my kids and then family, well ultimately God, Hubs, Kids then family. But now after the kids are taken care of, I don't have much left in me to share with others. She understands, I am sure there is disappointment but she does well not making me feel guilty. There are some people that would make you feel guilty for how many times I have had to back out of things, but not her. For that I am grateful. My heart is still in the right place, my body just fails me more times than I can count, or would like to admit. So this post, I hope, shows I am grateful for one of the two mommies I inherited from my hubby. Happy Mother's Day mom!
~Scar
Sunday, May 12, 2013
My Mommy, Post number 10 of gratefulness
This post is going to be hard to write, not because she is hard to write about, but because there is so much love and admiration for this woman. This one is about my Mom, fitting as it is Mother's Day. This lady has been there for me every step of the way. She was my rock growing up. I was a tough child in the sense I always needed her to be around. I would have major meltdowns if she wanted to go out for a night. She didn't do it often, I was told my meltdowns worked. For me that is. :)
I am so grateful for her, both now and then. She has helped me through this cancer thing like no one else could have. After I told my husband the news, I told her. She held me that day as if I was a baby and told me things were going to be okay. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights she has had because of me. I feel bad for that. But I am so thankful that she loves me that much. I know some people don't have great relationships, well even good for that matter, with their mom. I am lucky, because our relationship has just become stronger as I have gotten older.
My mom is also a cancer survivor, she had breast cancer when I was quite young. She is my hero. Knowing how I felt during my radiation treatments, and thinking she also had radiation blows my mind. My kids were older than I was when she was being treated. I think I was 3 and my sister was 4. Can you imagine that? Oh my, this woman has some sort of super hero strength about her. It is amazing.
So today on Mother's Day, I want to take a moment and thank my mom for being there for me. She was my personal cheerleader. I remember picking her up on our way to Milwaukee and she gets into the truck and first apologized that she had coffee and I didn't. (I was NPO and the day before was clear liquids only, so coffee and I did not get to bond.) Then she pulled out a scripture stating all things were going to be okay. I have that little note tucked away in my cancer box. For some odd reason her telling me that she was finally okay with what was going on made me calm. I hated her worrying for me. That was a terrifying road trip. That was the day my physical life changed for ever. I am so glad I had my mom there holding my hand and also being there for my Hubs, if he needed it. She wouldn't push him to talk, but if he felt like he wanted to talk, I am sure he knew she was there.
As most of you know, things are better. I am in remission and I keep moving forward on my progress. I may never be the same person again, and that's okay. Because, I know it sounds childish, I have my mom. A couple of weeks ago, I had a set back emotionally. I tried hiding it from her. Every time we talked I just said I was fine. Then one day I called her, I let it all out. She said two words that changed everything. I understand. That was all I needed, was someone understood. I didn't need comforting, I didn't need to hear things will be fine. Everything sucked at that moment and she said the right thing. She understood. Like a blink of an eye, I could handle all the stress again. Like I had posted that day, nothing has changed, I just could handle it once again.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love you so very much and am grateful for you!
I am so grateful for her, both now and then. She has helped me through this cancer thing like no one else could have. After I told my husband the news, I told her. She held me that day as if I was a baby and told me things were going to be okay. I cannot tell you how many sleepless nights she has had because of me. I feel bad for that. But I am so thankful that she loves me that much. I know some people don't have great relationships, well even good for that matter, with their mom. I am lucky, because our relationship has just become stronger as I have gotten older.
My mom is also a cancer survivor, she had breast cancer when I was quite young. She is my hero. Knowing how I felt during my radiation treatments, and thinking she also had radiation blows my mind. My kids were older than I was when she was being treated. I think I was 3 and my sister was 4. Can you imagine that? Oh my, this woman has some sort of super hero strength about her. It is amazing.
So today on Mother's Day, I want to take a moment and thank my mom for being there for me. She was my personal cheerleader. I remember picking her up on our way to Milwaukee and she gets into the truck and first apologized that she had coffee and I didn't. (I was NPO and the day before was clear liquids only, so coffee and I did not get to bond.) Then she pulled out a scripture stating all things were going to be okay. I have that little note tucked away in my cancer box. For some odd reason her telling me that she was finally okay with what was going on made me calm. I hated her worrying for me. That was a terrifying road trip. That was the day my physical life changed for ever. I am so glad I had my mom there holding my hand and also being there for my Hubs, if he needed it. She wouldn't push him to talk, but if he felt like he wanted to talk, I am sure he knew she was there.
As most of you know, things are better. I am in remission and I keep moving forward on my progress. I may never be the same person again, and that's okay. Because, I know it sounds childish, I have my mom. A couple of weeks ago, I had a set back emotionally. I tried hiding it from her. Every time we talked I just said I was fine. Then one day I called her, I let it all out. She said two words that changed everything. I understand. That was all I needed, was someone understood. I didn't need comforting, I didn't need to hear things will be fine. Everything sucked at that moment and she said the right thing. She understood. Like a blink of an eye, I could handle all the stress again. Like I had posted that day, nothing has changed, I just could handle it once again.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, I love you so very much and am grateful for you!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Post number 9
Just fair warning, this lady is a bit snarky today. Ima try and write a positive blog and thank someone but be forewarned that if it doesn't come out smooth, it wasn't me. ~ kinda like Shaggy.
Okay, so I watched Safe Haven yesterday and I cried. Not because everyone was safe at the end and because they found true love but because that shit resonated with me. I wrote those letters. Well, I still have to write the one to his next wife. I was saving that one. It's in my head. Very similar to what Jo wrote to Katie. "If you are reading this, it means he loves you." Yep, that did it, tears. Jo is a fictional character, I am not. I know exactly those feelings, I had / have them. We have talked about what would happen if I die. I also know my husband sometimes too well. I know if I were to pass, he would have a hard time moving on. He wouldn't know what to do with himself. He would wrap himself in work and maybe for a short time push the people he loves most; out. He would put on a brave face and say he was fine. He would smile and laugh, but it would be a show. Yes, he would eventually move on. He would have to. I know it is in him. But what I am almost most sure about, he wouldn't try and find love again.
Do I want him to find love again. Well of course. I want him to find someone that I know will love him as much as I love him, he deserves it. I also want her to be the mother of our children, never the step-mom. Once I am gone, if he chooses her, she has every right to fill my shoes. No, she will not replace me. But I want her to be accepted with open loving arms from everyone, especially our kids. She is going to help them remember me. Eventually memories fade, I count on her to keep them alive. She needs to be strong enough to understand my children and husband love me and may never "get over it." But in that, she also needs to know she wouldn't be here if they all didn't love her. He sees something in her that tells him she will be what I no longer can be for him.
Okay, abrupt ending, but enough with the heavy. I am thankful today for my husband. I love him with all of my heart and would not be where I am today without him. Someday soon, I will finish part two of our ten year anniversary post. I relive it while writing, it's very taxing to go back there. But someday, it will be done. Sending love and HOPE,
~Scar
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
May 7th
Well, I am on my seventh post of gratefulness. I must admit this writing every day is going to be tough. I like it, but sometimes I struggle with what to write about. This is one of those days. I have started many posts about different people that I want to thank and show my gratitude to. The posts are not flowing as they usually do, therefore I have not found the right thing to be thankful for today... I got it. Murphy.
I am so thankful for my little feline. He is not a normal cat by any means. He is very skittish. He does not like loud noises. He hates being picked up. He only wants to be pet when he finds you. He is not supposed to be alive. You see he has a major heart murmur. Before I got sick with cancer I was told he wouldn't live past four years old. He will be seven in August. (I am not superstitious, but I did just knock on wood!)
I don't know if he is a freak of nature or what the deal is with him. All I know is he is mine and he loves me. When I had to sleep on the couch (after surgery for almost 3 months), he would creep up to me and cozy himself into a deep sleep. He did this every night. He would lay down around 11 and stay put until at least 4. It was such a loving gesture he shared with me, none of which he shares with anyone else. Now, if I get up in the middle of the night, he follows me back to bed and cozies up against my stomach and sleeps until I move.
I am grateful he has lived through the years that I thought he wouldn't. I know I would not have been able to handle his passing while I was being treated. At some point I know our luck with him is going to end and he will no longer be here with us on this earth. But until then, this is my miracle cat that came out of his shell to show me how much he loved me. He will forever be the best cat in the world!
I am so thankful for my little feline. He is not a normal cat by any means. He is very skittish. He does not like loud noises. He hates being picked up. He only wants to be pet when he finds you. He is not supposed to be alive. You see he has a major heart murmur. Before I got sick with cancer I was told he wouldn't live past four years old. He will be seven in August. (I am not superstitious, but I did just knock on wood!)
I don't know if he is a freak of nature or what the deal is with him. All I know is he is mine and he loves me. When I had to sleep on the couch (after surgery for almost 3 months), he would creep up to me and cozy himself into a deep sleep. He did this every night. He would lay down around 11 and stay put until at least 4. It was such a loving gesture he shared with me, none of which he shares with anyone else. Now, if I get up in the middle of the night, he follows me back to bed and cozies up against my stomach and sleeps until I move.
I am grateful he has lived through the years that I thought he wouldn't. I know I would not have been able to handle his passing while I was being treated. At some point I know our luck with him is going to end and he will no longer be here with us on this earth. But until then, this is my miracle cat that came out of his shell to show me how much he loved me. He will forever be the best cat in the world!
Murphy on the left, Kaly on the right. Brother and Sister.
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