Honesty right?...
Okay, here it is...
Cancer has taken so much from me. My security. My safety net. My humanness. My me. My soft side.
Not a day goes by that I don't fight against this stupid thing. But in that fight, I fail.
I am so mad at myself. My old me never would have let us (as a family) get here. We are not in a good place. We are stuck and the only way to go is up. However that up, for me is a giant climb.
My problem is this... The adjustment disorder. I know what I am now. I know what my heart desires. I know I need to move on and at least embrace this new me. However this new me wants to give up.
I have shed more tears in the last 48 hours than I care to admit. My emotions are running high. I am making rash decisions. Then taking them all back. I am on the verge. I am hanging on by a thread. I've said things to people that I wish I hadn't. I almost feel as if something is possessing me,other than my own mind.
I am overly opinionated right now.
Maybe some of these things are good. But in this manner they are not. They are just a bunch of emotions running so high I am going to explode. Let me take that back. I did that already. Tears. I've been wearing sunglasses non-stop for the last 24 hours. Except in the house. The crying is so uncontrolable I've put water-proof mascara on.
I feel like a failure. I was not raised to be this girl. I was never to be dependent on someone other than myself, and of course my God. My philosophy with God has been this... If I have the tools and the opportunity arises and I have prayed and been working toward a goal, I need to do what He is pushing me to do. It steered to school. It steered me to my marriage. Both of which have been hard, but have been wonderful, the same.
Now, after cancer. I have become helpless. I hurt every.damn.day. I'm sick more than I am okay. My world has truly been flipped upside down and the rug that was under me, gone. No traces of the past are there.
But inside my heart is aching. I am not a helpless person. I am letting myself down every day. I don't go to bed happy. I don't finish the things I start. So in the midst of all of my tears in the last few days...
I have found this...
The girl I was, that I am is still in there. She is broken. She is tired. She is weak. She is fragile. But she is there. So I am attempting to find the strength to get her back. She needs to be whole. It's in me to do this. I was born a fighter. The words, "knock 'em dead.", were said to me every morning, growing up.
So that is what needs to be done. I am going to put on my big girl panties and I am gonna smile and mean it. I am gonna dance and be free. I am going to fight hard to get ME back. No more adjustment disorder. Because she is in there and Lord knows I need her back more now than ever.
Love and RENEWED Hope, Scar
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Thursday, January 9, 2014
The Shower
I believe in Divine Intervention.
I always freak when I get a sign, then struggle when the signs are gone.
Here is a sign I received in the summer of 2005.
I was having a rough day with the kids. They were 1,3, and 5. I needed a break. The hubs was home. I asked him to take over. I just needed to lock myself in the shower and not come out.
Earlier that year, I found a lump in my right breast. I had ultrasounds, I had a prestigious Radiologist that I worked with talk me down from my freak out. Yes, there was a lump, but it wasn't cancerous.
My mom had breast cancer shortly after I was born, well I guess I was like three. But really that wasn't much after. I thought the same was happening to me.
So back to the shower. I had a talk, with God, My God. Please don't question my faith. It is the only thing that gets me through. Anyway, we had a talk. He told me I was going to have cancer.
I always assumed it was going to be breast cancer.
It wasn't it was pancreas cancer.
You know what scares me? He told me I'd fight for a really long time. I'd hold my head up and be strong. Strong for everyone. Strong for my family, friends, kids... Strong for me.
But I would lose in the end.
I know it sounds crazy. I pray all the time. I ask for his will. I'm afraid to ask to stay alive. What if it's not in His plans? What if my journey is that to make others believe? What if me dying saves one person. It will all be worth it, in my mind.
So as hard as it is to say this... I still believe He was preparing me. It might be 70 years from now, it may be next month. Whatever the length, I will continue to fight in His name for His purpose.
I always freak when I get a sign, then struggle when the signs are gone.
Here is a sign I received in the summer of 2005.
I was having a rough day with the kids. They were 1,3, and 5. I needed a break. The hubs was home. I asked him to take over. I just needed to lock myself in the shower and not come out.
Earlier that year, I found a lump in my right breast. I had ultrasounds, I had a prestigious Radiologist that I worked with talk me down from my freak out. Yes, there was a lump, but it wasn't cancerous.
My mom had breast cancer shortly after I was born, well I guess I was like three. But really that wasn't much after. I thought the same was happening to me.
So back to the shower. I had a talk, with God, My God. Please don't question my faith. It is the only thing that gets me through. Anyway, we had a talk. He told me I was going to have cancer.
I always assumed it was going to be breast cancer.
It wasn't it was pancreas cancer.
You know what scares me? He told me I'd fight for a really long time. I'd hold my head up and be strong. Strong for everyone. Strong for my family, friends, kids... Strong for me.
But I would lose in the end.
I know it sounds crazy. I pray all the time. I ask for his will. I'm afraid to ask to stay alive. What if it's not in His plans? What if my journey is that to make others believe? What if me dying saves one person. It will all be worth it, in my mind.
So as hard as it is to say this... I still believe He was preparing me. It might be 70 years from now, it may be next month. Whatever the length, I will continue to fight in His name for His purpose.
The Smile
She sits and stares
She wonders what has become of her life
Desperation
Desolation
Isolation
Loneliness
Aching
She dreams of a better life
Yet, when faced with being gone, she can't let it be
She knows it's going to happen
Slowly,
She is dying
It's growing
Darkness overtakes
But she keeps her head up
'
She walks
She struggles
She even manages to smile
But what is real
How will it end
When...
She wonders what has become of her life
Desperation
Desolation
Isolation
Loneliness
Aching
She dreams of a better life
Yet, when faced with being gone, she can't let it be
She knows it's going to happen
Slowly,
She is dying
It's growing
Darkness overtakes
But she keeps her head up
'
She walks
She struggles
She even manages to smile
But what is real
How will it end
When...
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Something I hope I never have to do, day 6
Again, this one is easy. Pre-Cancer I would have said, I hope I never have to face cancer. Well, as you know I did. That was hard, hardest thing I have had to do. But you know what would be worse?
Burying one of my own. That would do it. I don't know that I would make it. Can't write anymore. It's too hard to even think of...
Burying one of my own. That would do it. I don't know that I would make it. Can't write anymore. It's too hard to even think of...
Dave five, something I hope to do in my life
This one is easy for me.
I want to live long enough to retire with my husband. I want to move on to some land on a lake up north. I want to watch my children have children. I want to be healthy enough to love on all of them. I want to see my children succeed in all they do.
Sounds easy, right? Ever since cancer, nothing is certain for me. I want to do simple things.
If I have to answer this to the immediate future... I want to go to Disney World with my family. I want to take my husband on a trip to Alaska and do the Cruise thing there. I want to do the long cruise. The expensive one. I would be completely exhausted, but it would be worth it to see my husband smile and be happy.
This is what I hope to do in my lifetime, however short or long it will be.
I want to live long enough to retire with my husband. I want to move on to some land on a lake up north. I want to watch my children have children. I want to be healthy enough to love on all of them. I want to see my children succeed in all they do.
Sounds easy, right? Ever since cancer, nothing is certain for me. I want to do simple things.
If I have to answer this to the immediate future... I want to go to Disney World with my family. I want to take my husband on a trip to Alaska and do the Cruise thing there. I want to do the long cruise. The expensive one. I would be completely exhausted, but it would be worth it to see my husband smile and be happy.
This is what I hope to do in my lifetime, however short or long it will be.
Day Four, I need to forgive someone for...
I sat on this question for a long time. Why? Because I say I forgive most people for most things. This is true, I don't hold onto grudges or wrong doings. It just make my life better to let go. However, I had this written and then I was in the shower and the real story just came pouring out, so here it is...
I need to forgive a teacher from my high school days. This man was a very important teacher in my high school life. I either new of him or had him for every year. He was a big man on campus. To be in his good graces was to be in heaven, to be no his bad side, was a disaster to say the least. I have been in both places. The latter of the two, changed my life.
You see, my Sophomore year of school, I rebelled. Most kids do at some point. I changed friends, started hanging out with a rough older crowd, some of who were no longer in school. They either were older and graduated or older and dropped out. Why did I do this, because I could. It irritated my parents to no end. That was my goal. Mean to say, but honest.
So in that year, I learned how to skip school and get it cleared by someone on the inside. By the end of the half way mark of school, I had missed (but totally excused from) 52 classes. My parents found out, it ended. I got my punishment from them, and lived through it. I continued to hang out with the crowd, but my studies improved. The Sophomore year ended.
I went back to school my Junior year with a positive note. I changed a lot of my behavior and wanted to get an education. The teacher I need to forgive was tough man, as I said. It was time for try-outs for the extra curricular activity he was in charge of. Because of our positive relationship, I was positive I would make the cut. In fact, I did. Until, he brought me into his office and said, "Because of your behavior last year and missing so many classes, you are not on the team this year. I want you to learn a lesson. I put you on the team, but took you off. Learn your lesson and prove to me you will be a team player. You will be on the team next year."
I was heartbroken. Still to this day his heavy hand of discipline for me was wrong. See, I am not a bad person. Even when I was struggling I still got "B's" in all of my classes. My form of rebellion, wasn't smoking pot, wasn't drinking, it was leaving classes. Yes, I know wrong, but I still could have been so much worse. Also, I spent the last half of my Sophomore year making amends for what I had done wrong, I literally was bad for a total of 12 weeks. I thought I had with this teacher, but he chose to make an example out of me. Let me tell you, it changed my life.
Not, in a good way. Because of this decision, I did not try out my Senior year. In fact, I decided I was done with school and graduated when I was 17. He approached me my senior year and asked why I didn't try out, because I was guaranteed a spot. I smiled at him and said I wasn't going to waste my time for him to take it all away again. Then, I went on and did my last trimester of classes and graduated early. I turned 18 a few weeks after I graduated and then went to work full time until college started.
So even after writing this, I feel it in my soul, this. This is what I need to forgive. I forgive you Mr. Vine for trying to make an example out of me. Unfortunately, I was not a person that could learn from negative reinforcement, as so many children are not.
I need to forgive a teacher from my high school days. This man was a very important teacher in my high school life. I either new of him or had him for every year. He was a big man on campus. To be in his good graces was to be in heaven, to be no his bad side, was a disaster to say the least. I have been in both places. The latter of the two, changed my life.
You see, my Sophomore year of school, I rebelled. Most kids do at some point. I changed friends, started hanging out with a rough older crowd, some of who were no longer in school. They either were older and graduated or older and dropped out. Why did I do this, because I could. It irritated my parents to no end. That was my goal. Mean to say, but honest.
So in that year, I learned how to skip school and get it cleared by someone on the inside. By the end of the half way mark of school, I had missed (but totally excused from) 52 classes. My parents found out, it ended. I got my punishment from them, and lived through it. I continued to hang out with the crowd, but my studies improved. The Sophomore year ended.
I went back to school my Junior year with a positive note. I changed a lot of my behavior and wanted to get an education. The teacher I need to forgive was tough man, as I said. It was time for try-outs for the extra curricular activity he was in charge of. Because of our positive relationship, I was positive I would make the cut. In fact, I did. Until, he brought me into his office and said, "Because of your behavior last year and missing so many classes, you are not on the team this year. I want you to learn a lesson. I put you on the team, but took you off. Learn your lesson and prove to me you will be a team player. You will be on the team next year."
I was heartbroken. Still to this day his heavy hand of discipline for me was wrong. See, I am not a bad person. Even when I was struggling I still got "B's" in all of my classes. My form of rebellion, wasn't smoking pot, wasn't drinking, it was leaving classes. Yes, I know wrong, but I still could have been so much worse. Also, I spent the last half of my Sophomore year making amends for what I had done wrong, I literally was bad for a total of 12 weeks. I thought I had with this teacher, but he chose to make an example out of me. Let me tell you, it changed my life.
Not, in a good way. Because of this decision, I did not try out my Senior year. In fact, I decided I was done with school and graduated when I was 17. He approached me my senior year and asked why I didn't try out, because I was guaranteed a spot. I smiled at him and said I wasn't going to waste my time for him to take it all away again. Then, I went on and did my last trimester of classes and graduated early. I turned 18 a few weeks after I graduated and then went to work full time until college started.
So even after writing this, I feel it in my soul, this. This is what I need to forgive. I forgive you Mr. Vine for trying to make an example out of me. Unfortunately, I was not a person that could learn from negative reinforcement, as so many children are not.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Ahhhh the truth. What is the thing I love the most? Well after reading Kelly's blog on it, I had it. I love that I forgive people. That's easy enough, right?! I didn't have to think about it. But there's more, I made what do I hate, easy. Why? Because I didn't want to delve into it deeper. However, I left a comment on her page when she said she was doing this challenge. It went something like, I can't out myself on my personal page, but I can on my "Scar" page. (I like Scar better than Cancer). Here's the thing... These questions are meant to be thought provoking. They are supposed to be hard. I admire her for doing this challenge. She is a strong woman. Unfortunately strong isn't always a good thing. It's protects us, but it doesn't save us from falling later. Usually when there is no safety net to save us. This is where I am at...
I hate that I am not strong. But perceived as strong because I fought some nasty shit called cancer. Sure I had to face the demon that was pancreas cancer. Sure I had to struggle with the surgery then chemo and the radiation and the chemo again. But what no one talks about is the struggle that it takes to come out of the hole that you get put into. I struggle on the daily with this coming out of the hole. I am trying so hard to be me, whoever me is, but it's not easy. So yeah...
What I truly hate about myself is the new me. I hate that I am in pain every damn day. I hate that I cancel plans because I am sick. I hate that I cannot finish school and help out my family financially. I hate every damn thing that is cancer. Sorry for the swears. I don't yell a lot and I don't swear much. But when I do, it somehow conveys the truth for me.
So the questions are what do you hate about yourself and what do you love. My new answers... Hate... Everything, that is the new me. Yes, that may be harsh, but that's where I am. I could give you a list of what was and what is. No matter what, the new me doesn't measure up to the old me. IHATEIT!
What do I love, yep. Still the same. I love that I forgive. That part hasn't changed. In fact, it's gotten stronger. I totally get the whole live life like it is your last day. Work hard, play hard, forgive hard. Don't hold grudges. Move on. That's not to say I don't deal with grievances, I just don't hold onto them anymore. I forgive and move on. Now... Why can't I just do that with myself? Why do I have to be so hard on myself for something that I never had any control over? Life is unfair. I need to work on getting better at loving my new self. I don't remember all of the thirty things, but maybe one is what do I need to work on. If so, I got this.
I hate that I am not strong. But perceived as strong because I fought some nasty shit called cancer. Sure I had to face the demon that was pancreas cancer. Sure I had to struggle with the surgery then chemo and the radiation and the chemo again. But what no one talks about is the struggle that it takes to come out of the hole that you get put into. I struggle on the daily with this coming out of the hole. I am trying so hard to be me, whoever me is, but it's not easy. So yeah...
What I truly hate about myself is the new me. I hate that I am in pain every damn day. I hate that I cancel plans because I am sick. I hate that I cannot finish school and help out my family financially. I hate every damn thing that is cancer. Sorry for the swears. I don't yell a lot and I don't swear much. But when I do, it somehow conveys the truth for me.
So the questions are what do you hate about yourself and what do you love. My new answers... Hate... Everything, that is the new me. Yes, that may be harsh, but that's where I am. I could give you a list of what was and what is. No matter what, the new me doesn't measure up to the old me. IHATEIT!
What do I love, yep. Still the same. I love that I forgive. That part hasn't changed. In fact, it's gotten stronger. I totally get the whole live life like it is your last day. Work hard, play hard, forgive hard. Don't hold grudges. Move on. That's not to say I don't deal with grievances, I just don't hold onto them anymore. I forgive and move on. Now... Why can't I just do that with myself? Why do I have to be so hard on myself for something that I never had any control over? Life is unfair. I need to work on getting better at loving my new self. I don't remember all of the thirty things, but maybe one is what do I need to work on. If so, I got this.
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