She sits and stares
She wonders what has become of her life
Desperation
Desolation
Isolation
Loneliness
Aching
She dreams of a better life
Yet, when faced with being gone, she can't let it be
She knows it's going to happen
Slowly,
She is dying
It's growing
Darkness overtakes
But she keeps her head up
'
She walks
She struggles
She even manages to smile
But what is real
How will it end
When...
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Something I hope I never have to do, day 6
Again, this one is easy. Pre-Cancer I would have said, I hope I never have to face cancer. Well, as you know I did. That was hard, hardest thing I have had to do. But you know what would be worse?
Burying one of my own. That would do it. I don't know that I would make it. Can't write anymore. It's too hard to even think of...
Burying one of my own. That would do it. I don't know that I would make it. Can't write anymore. It's too hard to even think of...
Dave five, something I hope to do in my life
This one is easy for me.
I want to live long enough to retire with my husband. I want to move on to some land on a lake up north. I want to watch my children have children. I want to be healthy enough to love on all of them. I want to see my children succeed in all they do.
Sounds easy, right? Ever since cancer, nothing is certain for me. I want to do simple things.
If I have to answer this to the immediate future... I want to go to Disney World with my family. I want to take my husband on a trip to Alaska and do the Cruise thing there. I want to do the long cruise. The expensive one. I would be completely exhausted, but it would be worth it to see my husband smile and be happy.
This is what I hope to do in my lifetime, however short or long it will be.
I want to live long enough to retire with my husband. I want to move on to some land on a lake up north. I want to watch my children have children. I want to be healthy enough to love on all of them. I want to see my children succeed in all they do.
Sounds easy, right? Ever since cancer, nothing is certain for me. I want to do simple things.
If I have to answer this to the immediate future... I want to go to Disney World with my family. I want to take my husband on a trip to Alaska and do the Cruise thing there. I want to do the long cruise. The expensive one. I would be completely exhausted, but it would be worth it to see my husband smile and be happy.
This is what I hope to do in my lifetime, however short or long it will be.
Day Four, I need to forgive someone for...
I sat on this question for a long time. Why? Because I say I forgive most people for most things. This is true, I don't hold onto grudges or wrong doings. It just make my life better to let go. However, I had this written and then I was in the shower and the real story just came pouring out, so here it is...
I need to forgive a teacher from my high school days. This man was a very important teacher in my high school life. I either new of him or had him for every year. He was a big man on campus. To be in his good graces was to be in heaven, to be no his bad side, was a disaster to say the least. I have been in both places. The latter of the two, changed my life.
You see, my Sophomore year of school, I rebelled. Most kids do at some point. I changed friends, started hanging out with a rough older crowd, some of who were no longer in school. They either were older and graduated or older and dropped out. Why did I do this, because I could. It irritated my parents to no end. That was my goal. Mean to say, but honest.
So in that year, I learned how to skip school and get it cleared by someone on the inside. By the end of the half way mark of school, I had missed (but totally excused from) 52 classes. My parents found out, it ended. I got my punishment from them, and lived through it. I continued to hang out with the crowd, but my studies improved. The Sophomore year ended.
I went back to school my Junior year with a positive note. I changed a lot of my behavior and wanted to get an education. The teacher I need to forgive was tough man, as I said. It was time for try-outs for the extra curricular activity he was in charge of. Because of our positive relationship, I was positive I would make the cut. In fact, I did. Until, he brought me into his office and said, "Because of your behavior last year and missing so many classes, you are not on the team this year. I want you to learn a lesson. I put you on the team, but took you off. Learn your lesson and prove to me you will be a team player. You will be on the team next year."
I was heartbroken. Still to this day his heavy hand of discipline for me was wrong. See, I am not a bad person. Even when I was struggling I still got "B's" in all of my classes. My form of rebellion, wasn't smoking pot, wasn't drinking, it was leaving classes. Yes, I know wrong, but I still could have been so much worse. Also, I spent the last half of my Sophomore year making amends for what I had done wrong, I literally was bad for a total of 12 weeks. I thought I had with this teacher, but he chose to make an example out of me. Let me tell you, it changed my life.
Not, in a good way. Because of this decision, I did not try out my Senior year. In fact, I decided I was done with school and graduated when I was 17. He approached me my senior year and asked why I didn't try out, because I was guaranteed a spot. I smiled at him and said I wasn't going to waste my time for him to take it all away again. Then, I went on and did my last trimester of classes and graduated early. I turned 18 a few weeks after I graduated and then went to work full time until college started.
So even after writing this, I feel it in my soul, this. This is what I need to forgive. I forgive you Mr. Vine for trying to make an example out of me. Unfortunately, I was not a person that could learn from negative reinforcement, as so many children are not.
I need to forgive a teacher from my high school days. This man was a very important teacher in my high school life. I either new of him or had him for every year. He was a big man on campus. To be in his good graces was to be in heaven, to be no his bad side, was a disaster to say the least. I have been in both places. The latter of the two, changed my life.
You see, my Sophomore year of school, I rebelled. Most kids do at some point. I changed friends, started hanging out with a rough older crowd, some of who were no longer in school. They either were older and graduated or older and dropped out. Why did I do this, because I could. It irritated my parents to no end. That was my goal. Mean to say, but honest.
So in that year, I learned how to skip school and get it cleared by someone on the inside. By the end of the half way mark of school, I had missed (but totally excused from) 52 classes. My parents found out, it ended. I got my punishment from them, and lived through it. I continued to hang out with the crowd, but my studies improved. The Sophomore year ended.
I went back to school my Junior year with a positive note. I changed a lot of my behavior and wanted to get an education. The teacher I need to forgive was tough man, as I said. It was time for try-outs for the extra curricular activity he was in charge of. Because of our positive relationship, I was positive I would make the cut. In fact, I did. Until, he brought me into his office and said, "Because of your behavior last year and missing so many classes, you are not on the team this year. I want you to learn a lesson. I put you on the team, but took you off. Learn your lesson and prove to me you will be a team player. You will be on the team next year."
I was heartbroken. Still to this day his heavy hand of discipline for me was wrong. See, I am not a bad person. Even when I was struggling I still got "B's" in all of my classes. My form of rebellion, wasn't smoking pot, wasn't drinking, it was leaving classes. Yes, I know wrong, but I still could have been so much worse. Also, I spent the last half of my Sophomore year making amends for what I had done wrong, I literally was bad for a total of 12 weeks. I thought I had with this teacher, but he chose to make an example out of me. Let me tell you, it changed my life.
Not, in a good way. Because of this decision, I did not try out my Senior year. In fact, I decided I was done with school and graduated when I was 17. He approached me my senior year and asked why I didn't try out, because I was guaranteed a spot. I smiled at him and said I wasn't going to waste my time for him to take it all away again. Then, I went on and did my last trimester of classes and graduated early. I turned 18 a few weeks after I graduated and then went to work full time until college started.
So even after writing this, I feel it in my soul, this. This is what I need to forgive. I forgive you Mr. Vine for trying to make an example out of me. Unfortunately, I was not a person that could learn from negative reinforcement, as so many children are not.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Ahhhh the truth. What is the thing I love the most? Well after reading Kelly's blog on it, I had it. I love that I forgive people. That's easy enough, right?! I didn't have to think about it. But there's more, I made what do I hate, easy. Why? Because I didn't want to delve into it deeper. However, I left a comment on her page when she said she was doing this challenge. It went something like, I can't out myself on my personal page, but I can on my "Scar" page. (I like Scar better than Cancer). Here's the thing... These questions are meant to be thought provoking. They are supposed to be hard. I admire her for doing this challenge. She is a strong woman. Unfortunately strong isn't always a good thing. It's protects us, but it doesn't save us from falling later. Usually when there is no safety net to save us. This is where I am at...
I hate that I am not strong. But perceived as strong because I fought some nasty shit called cancer. Sure I had to face the demon that was pancreas cancer. Sure I had to struggle with the surgery then chemo and the radiation and the chemo again. But what no one talks about is the struggle that it takes to come out of the hole that you get put into. I struggle on the daily with this coming out of the hole. I am trying so hard to be me, whoever me is, but it's not easy. So yeah...
What I truly hate about myself is the new me. I hate that I am in pain every damn day. I hate that I cancel plans because I am sick. I hate that I cannot finish school and help out my family financially. I hate every damn thing that is cancer. Sorry for the swears. I don't yell a lot and I don't swear much. But when I do, it somehow conveys the truth for me.
So the questions are what do you hate about yourself and what do you love. My new answers... Hate... Everything, that is the new me. Yes, that may be harsh, but that's where I am. I could give you a list of what was and what is. No matter what, the new me doesn't measure up to the old me. IHATEIT!
What do I love, yep. Still the same. I love that I forgive. That part hasn't changed. In fact, it's gotten stronger. I totally get the whole live life like it is your last day. Work hard, play hard, forgive hard. Don't hold grudges. Move on. That's not to say I don't deal with grievances, I just don't hold onto them anymore. I forgive and move on. Now... Why can't I just do that with myself? Why do I have to be so hard on myself for something that I never had any control over? Life is unfair. I need to work on getting better at loving my new self. I don't remember all of the thirty things, but maybe one is what do I need to work on. If so, I got this.
I hate that I am not strong. But perceived as strong because I fought some nasty shit called cancer. Sure I had to face the demon that was pancreas cancer. Sure I had to struggle with the surgery then chemo and the radiation and the chemo again. But what no one talks about is the struggle that it takes to come out of the hole that you get put into. I struggle on the daily with this coming out of the hole. I am trying so hard to be me, whoever me is, but it's not easy. So yeah...
What I truly hate about myself is the new me. I hate that I am in pain every damn day. I hate that I cancel plans because I am sick. I hate that I cannot finish school and help out my family financially. I hate every damn thing that is cancer. Sorry for the swears. I don't yell a lot and I don't swear much. But when I do, it somehow conveys the truth for me.
So the questions are what do you hate about yourself and what do you love. My new answers... Hate... Everything, that is the new me. Yes, that may be harsh, but that's where I am. I could give you a list of what was and what is. No matter what, the new me doesn't measure up to the old me. IHATEIT!
What do I love, yep. Still the same. I love that I forgive. That part hasn't changed. In fact, it's gotten stronger. I totally get the whole live life like it is your last day. Work hard, play hard, forgive hard. Don't hold grudges. Move on. That's not to say I don't deal with grievances, I just don't hold onto them anymore. I forgive and move on. Now... Why can't I just do that with myself? Why do I have to be so hard on myself for something that I never had any control over? Life is unfair. I need to work on getting better at loving my new self. I don't remember all of the thirty things, but maybe one is what do I need to work on. If so, I got this.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
The Power of Positive Thinking.
Guess what? I got it. I'm back in. Did you know they have all of this information stored somewhere and all you have to do is answer some security questions. Then they send your information about logging in to your email and bam, you are back in. Like, duh, Scar, we all know that, right? Okay, so at least I can remember the security questions that I set up and now can access my. Maybe this will teach me not to stay quiet for so long. lol
Okay, so here's the thing. The other day I was reading a post from a page I follow. There was an article attached to the post about the power of positive thinking. Hmmmm, what's that you say? If I think negatively in life, then most of my outcomes will be negative and if I push for things to be positive and think things are positive, I may just see the silver lining more often? Wow! No really, it works. Try it. Well read the bloggityblog first, then try it.
So, some background on me. The majority of my life I have been positive. I've looked at the glass and seen it half full, no where near empty. It wasn't until recently (in the last two years) that I started placing the negative spin on things. Now, rightfully so, I have had a shitty hand dealt to me. However, it's not forever. Or at least I am hoping. It's just a part of my life. Just because I have had cancer and things are no where near the way they were, doesn't mean my life is over. In fact, I have been given a second chance in SO MANY ways! Here are a few...
I am much slower now, but maybe that's because I can stop and smell the roses with my kids. Or maybe it's so I can enjoy my life with them. In a few years my oldest (almost 14) will be 18. When I look back, I don't want to think gosh, I was too tired and too slow to keep up with him. I want to think, sure I was slow and I was tired but each moment we spent together, is was cherished because we took our time enjoying each other and our activities.
My daughter is heading into the teen years. This SCARES me, but instead of dreading it, I am going to relish the fact I am alive and I get to walk this walk with her. I am lucky, I am alive. I get to be here when she comes home from school and slams the door in my face. I get to smile at that damn door and thank the Lord I get to witness it instead of my husband witnessing it without me and wishing I was still alive.
Our youngest is enjoying school this year. NO MORE TEARS! This is huge. Instead of fighting with him on the daily to get up and get ready, he is dressed and ready for breakfast before I am ready for him. I can't think of a parable right now for him. But I will say he and I read together every night. We get to share that. I can't run around the yard with him because I am too tired, but I can lay in his bed or mine and share a good book!
My Hubs is stressed right now. Instead of making it worse by constantly reminding him I can't help him financially yet, I can make sure he has dinner when he gets home from work. I can make sure his work clothes are clean. I can make sure his life is happy outside of the stress that's getting to him.
As for my sickness, can I do everything I want to? No, but each day is another day, where I can do what I missed out on yesterday. Take today for example. I made and then canned apple pie filling. Why? Because it's good and the neighbor dropped off 6 pounds of apples. Am I tired? Yes. But in November when we want a pie and all the orchard apples are gone, I can make it for my family. Can I go to work right now? No. But I can be the best stay at home mom that I can be for this family. No, my house is not spotless. It's hard picking up after 5 sloppy people, a dog, three cats and two hamsters. But each day is a new day, a new oppertunity.
There was a time in my life when I couldn't go to bed if the house was dirty. I had to get everything done. Plus my homework, plus my everything. I would do anything for that life to be back. But instead of hanging on to that any more, I am embracing this positive lifestyle. Now, I may share with you when I have a roadblock and I need to just get it out. But I am going to try as hard as I can to make things be positive. That is the one thing I can bring to my present life that was from my pre-cancer life.
So I will leave you with these words... Life is what we make it. Sure there are some crappy things that happen. Instead of dwelling on those bad things, figure out how to turn it into a positive. Yes, if you need to grieve for whatever you are missing, do it. But don't stay there; long. The sooner you move forward and change your thoughts to positive the sooner your mind, spirit and body can begin to heal!!!! Try it. I know it makes a difference.
Sending love and HOPE to you all today!
Love, ~Scar
PS. I want to give credit to article that gave me the inspiration to blog about this. The page is "The Mind Unleashed." It is on facebook. I cannot find the article at the moment. I will try to link it in the comments at a later time.
Okay, so here's the thing. The other day I was reading a post from a page I follow. There was an article attached to the post about the power of positive thinking. Hmmmm, what's that you say? If I think negatively in life, then most of my outcomes will be negative and if I push for things to be positive and think things are positive, I may just see the silver lining more often? Wow! No really, it works. Try it. Well read the bloggityblog first, then try it.
So, some background on me. The majority of my life I have been positive. I've looked at the glass and seen it half full, no where near empty. It wasn't until recently (in the last two years) that I started placing the negative spin on things. Now, rightfully so, I have had a shitty hand dealt to me. However, it's not forever. Or at least I am hoping. It's just a part of my life. Just because I have had cancer and things are no where near the way they were, doesn't mean my life is over. In fact, I have been given a second chance in SO MANY ways! Here are a few...
I am much slower now, but maybe that's because I can stop and smell the roses with my kids. Or maybe it's so I can enjoy my life with them. In a few years my oldest (almost 14) will be 18. When I look back, I don't want to think gosh, I was too tired and too slow to keep up with him. I want to think, sure I was slow and I was tired but each moment we spent together, is was cherished because we took our time enjoying each other and our activities.
My daughter is heading into the teen years. This SCARES me, but instead of dreading it, I am going to relish the fact I am alive and I get to walk this walk with her. I am lucky, I am alive. I get to be here when she comes home from school and slams the door in my face. I get to smile at that damn door and thank the Lord I get to witness it instead of my husband witnessing it without me and wishing I was still alive.
Our youngest is enjoying school this year. NO MORE TEARS! This is huge. Instead of fighting with him on the daily to get up and get ready, he is dressed and ready for breakfast before I am ready for him. I can't think of a parable right now for him. But I will say he and I read together every night. We get to share that. I can't run around the yard with him because I am too tired, but I can lay in his bed or mine and share a good book!
My Hubs is stressed right now. Instead of making it worse by constantly reminding him I can't help him financially yet, I can make sure he has dinner when he gets home from work. I can make sure his work clothes are clean. I can make sure his life is happy outside of the stress that's getting to him.
As for my sickness, can I do everything I want to? No, but each day is another day, where I can do what I missed out on yesterday. Take today for example. I made and then canned apple pie filling. Why? Because it's good and the neighbor dropped off 6 pounds of apples. Am I tired? Yes. But in November when we want a pie and all the orchard apples are gone, I can make it for my family. Can I go to work right now? No. But I can be the best stay at home mom that I can be for this family. No, my house is not spotless. It's hard picking up after 5 sloppy people, a dog, three cats and two hamsters. But each day is a new day, a new oppertunity.
There was a time in my life when I couldn't go to bed if the house was dirty. I had to get everything done. Plus my homework, plus my everything. I would do anything for that life to be back. But instead of hanging on to that any more, I am embracing this positive lifestyle. Now, I may share with you when I have a roadblock and I need to just get it out. But I am going to try as hard as I can to make things be positive. That is the one thing I can bring to my present life that was from my pre-cancer life.
So I will leave you with these words... Life is what we make it. Sure there are some crappy things that happen. Instead of dwelling on those bad things, figure out how to turn it into a positive. Yes, if you need to grieve for whatever you are missing, do it. But don't stay there; long. The sooner you move forward and change your thoughts to positive the sooner your mind, spirit and body can begin to heal!!!! Try it. I know it makes a difference.
Sending love and HOPE to you all today!
Love, ~Scar
PS. I want to give credit to article that gave me the inspiration to blog about this. The page is "The Mind Unleashed." It is on facebook. I cannot find the article at the moment. I will try to link it in the comments at a later time.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
I'm gonna miss you
My Dearest Friend,
I just wanted to send you a quick note. You have done so much for my soul in the last couple of years we have known each other. I was hesitant to get close to someone, to let someone in. I am leary about trusting people. I let people in too fast. They hurt me, bad. But my dear, you, I felt something. It must have been something big and good because I let you in my life. You have shown me what true friendships are about, how there doesn't have to be an ounce of crazy. It's not about money. It's not about who owns a better house. It's not about who has crazier family members. It's all about what you bring out of one another that matters.
You have brought so much positive out of me. You have given me a breath of fresh air when I needed one. You have guided me in ways I can't explain. Thank you. I appreciate you understanding when I was too sick to leave the house. I love how we can talk about kids and you tell me I am doing the right thing, even if it's not a main stream idea. I trust you and you trust me.
You move away next week and I am so going to miss you, oh I cannot tell you how much I am going to miss you. That baby of yours, gah, it's gonna break my heart. However, I know it's not goodbye, you have family here and we have built a friendship that will not expire. We will forever be a part of each other's lives. I am blessed to have you in mine.
So instead of focusing on the sad and bad, I am just going to tell you thank you. Good luck. I'll be here when you return, if just for visits or the long haul. I love you my dear, K! You rock and I am so proud of you and your family for taking this plunge and experiencing something new and adventurous. Take many, many pictures and do me a favor... Find a little shop that sells wonderful eclectic things. Window shop for me. Don't buy anything just tell me all about it, over coffee when you return. I look forward to hearing about your trip and all of your new adventures. Love you girl. I am forever grateful for the day you made me take a chance on a new friendship in an Education class.
Love and HOPE~Scar
I just wanted to send you a quick note. You have done so much for my soul in the last couple of years we have known each other. I was hesitant to get close to someone, to let someone in. I am leary about trusting people. I let people in too fast. They hurt me, bad. But my dear, you, I felt something. It must have been something big and good because I let you in my life. You have shown me what true friendships are about, how there doesn't have to be an ounce of crazy. It's not about money. It's not about who owns a better house. It's not about who has crazier family members. It's all about what you bring out of one another that matters.
You have brought so much positive out of me. You have given me a breath of fresh air when I needed one. You have guided me in ways I can't explain. Thank you. I appreciate you understanding when I was too sick to leave the house. I love how we can talk about kids and you tell me I am doing the right thing, even if it's not a main stream idea. I trust you and you trust me.
You move away next week and I am so going to miss you, oh I cannot tell you how much I am going to miss you. That baby of yours, gah, it's gonna break my heart. However, I know it's not goodbye, you have family here and we have built a friendship that will not expire. We will forever be a part of each other's lives. I am blessed to have you in mine.
So instead of focusing on the sad and bad, I am just going to tell you thank you. Good luck. I'll be here when you return, if just for visits or the long haul. I love you my dear, K! You rock and I am so proud of you and your family for taking this plunge and experiencing something new and adventurous. Take many, many pictures and do me a favor... Find a little shop that sells wonderful eclectic things. Window shop for me. Don't buy anything just tell me all about it, over coffee when you return. I look forward to hearing about your trip and all of your new adventures. Love you girl. I am forever grateful for the day you made me take a chance on a new friendship in an Education class.
Love and HOPE~Scar
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