Ahhhh the truth. What is the thing I love the most? Well after reading Kelly's blog on it, I had it. I love that I forgive people. That's easy enough, right?! I didn't have to think about it. But there's more, I made what do I hate, easy. Why? Because I didn't want to delve into it deeper. However, I left a comment on her page when she said she was doing this challenge. It went something like, I can't out myself on my personal page, but I can on my "Scar" page. (I like Scar better than Cancer). Here's the thing... These questions are meant to be thought provoking. They are supposed to be hard. I admire her for doing this challenge. She is a strong woman. Unfortunately strong isn't always a good thing. It's protects us, but it doesn't save us from falling later. Usually when there is no safety net to save us. This is where I am at...

I hate that I am not strong. But perceived as strong because I fought some nasty shit called cancer. Sure I had to face the demon that was pancreas cancer. Sure I had to struggle with the surgery then chemo and the radiation and the chemo again. But what no one talks about is the struggle that it takes to come out of the hole that you get put into. I struggle on the daily with this coming out of the hole. I am trying so hard to be me, whoever me is, but it's not easy. So yeah...

What I truly hate about myself is the new me. I hate that I am in pain every damn day. I hate that I cancel plans because I am sick. I hate that I cannot finish school and help out my family financially. I hate every damn thing that is cancer. Sorry for the swears. I don't yell a lot and I don't swear much. But when I do, it somehow conveys the truth for me.

So the questions are what do you hate about yourself and what do you love. My new answers... Hate... Everything, that is the new me. Yes, that may be harsh, but that's where I am. I could give you a list of what was and what is. No matter what, the new me doesn't measure up to the old me. IHATEIT!

What do I love, yep. Still the same. I love that I forgive. That part hasn't changed. In fact, it's gotten stronger. I totally get the whole live life like it is your last day. Work hard, play hard, forgive hard. Don't hold grudges. Move on. That's not to say I don't deal with grievances, I just don't hold onto them anymore. I forgive and move on. Now... Why can't I just do that with myself? Why do I have to be so hard on myself for something that I never had any control over? Life is unfair. I need to work on getting better at loving my new self. I don't remember all of the thirty things, but maybe one is what do I need to work on. If so, I got this.