Thankful

Today is a thankful day. I am thankful that I am 32. Two years ago was my golden birthday. I was so looking forward to that day. Ever since I was a little girl and watched my sister celebrate her 8th birthday, which was her golden one, I wanted mine to be memorable. I wanted to never forget the celebration of that day. Unfortunatley eight days earlier I found out the news. I was in no mood to celebrate turning another year older. Looking back I don't regret not having a bigger celebration, I now am just thankful. This blog is dedicated to those Iam thankful for. Through this journey I have had days were the gratitude has poured out of me. I have also had days where I had to dig very deep in my soul to find something to be thankful for. Here are a few things / people that have made my list.

First and foremost, God. Yep I am God fearing woman and have a strong faith.  Really without this I would not be here. To those that don't believe, I won't bible beat you. I am not that way. I just know for me this is my path. So you may ask, if I believe in God why would He let me have this happen to me? My response has been this... Why not? I don't believe God picked up a staff and said Child you will have cancer and you will go through a living hell just to make my day. I don't think He works that way. I do think He has used this to bring me closer to Him and has exposed others to His works. So my Faith was always there.

Secondly and so close to number one. My husband. I know how blessed I am to have him, and I do not take him for granted. He is truly my earthly everything. He was in the waiting room waiting for me to come out of surgery. He slept on a very uncomfortable cot in a gown to protect from infection night after night. The nurses taught him how to inject me with medication so we could come home. He also learned how to set up and run my i.v. so again we could come home. He pushed me to return to the hospital the three times the infections got bad and almost killed me. He took me to every single chemo treatment but one. He worked 50% less the year of surgery and treatment so he could be there for me and be my advocate. He gave up going out with his friends. He gave up Wednesday night bowling and weekends with the boys at the cabin. All he did on his own, I never asked, he just did it. He held me when I broke and cried, he made me laugh when I needed it. He changed the bandages over my 150+ staples in my stomach. He emptied the drainage bulbs that hung out of my sides. He became the stand in mom to our kids. There is so much more, but these are the majors. 

Next, and not in any particular order, I am grateful for my doctors. As you may have read I have one that stresses me out. Aside from him, I cannot tell you how phenomanal they have been. There at a later date will be a blog specifically for them and their treatment specialties. My mom, I don't know where to begin with her. We have a fantastic relationship. We have grown into wonderful friends. She too slept on the cot Chris slept on. Obvioulsly not at the same time, but when he went home to be with the kids she would drive back to Milwaukee to make sure I was not alone. When she wasn't with me she was at my house taking care of my kids and our dog. She made meals for us, she cleaned for us, she helped us out when money got tight. She also just listened when either Chris or I needed to vent. I am sure this experience was horrible for her, she was 29 also when she was diagnosed with cancer. She lived in Idaho at the time and did not have the resources for help as I did. I feel she is a strong awesome woman and am grateful for her. 

These next people deserve so much more than an honorable mention, but I am sure you are sick of reading. :) My sister and her husband. My mother in law and father in law. My other mother in law and father in law. My siblings in law. My two best friends. My cousin who is more like a sister, my aunts. Side note... My precious Aunt SB. She lost her battle to cancer this last October. She could relate to me like no one. I respect and love her so much. Her shoulder to cry on was the best. I hate that cancer is our connection, but I love that I could learn so much from her and that she understood me. RIP love, I love you. My kids school staff and other parents. They set up a month of meals for my family after we got home from the surgery. What an awesome help that was! 

After reading this again, I have realized there is so much more to post. But I think this is enough for one day. I hope I have not made you sick in all that I am thankful for. I for the most part am a positive person and felt the need to share the thankfulness with you. 

Till Soon...

Friends and Sleepovers

Once upon a time sleepovers were awesome. Remember being a kid and getting to go to a friends for a sleepover? We played hide and seek. If it was summer we played kick the can or something similar. The mom's never got involved unless it was to bring snacks or to check and make sure we were still there. So yesterday was a day for my kids. There has been a lot of firsts this Christmas break. I was unable to make a snowman with my kids the last two years. I was either too weak or tired or sick. This year I was determined to do it, regardless of how I felt. Done! It's made and in the front yard. People you do not know how excited I was the day we got the blizzard and all that wet packy snow! I was more excited than any of my kids. It was me that said let's go build a snowman. Making GOOD memories with my kids. That's what I always want to do.

Another thing lacking in our house...kids coming over to play with my kids. Before I got sick, I would have kids over. Not everyday, but my kids at least felt they could have friends over. Not so in the last two years. How do you host more kids when you can't even get out of bed to be there for your own kids? One of the biggest changes with my sickness was the ability to do things on my own. I was at the mercy of the cleaning ladies (my mom, sister, aunt and adopted aunt). Sure my husband helped out. The animals had clean litter to go potty in and the house was picked up, but not clean.  Getting off subject, sorry.

Yesterday the youngest had a friend over for a couple of hours during the day. It was nice. I didn't get a nap because he was here during nap time and nope I won't sleep while kids are here. In fact I am a little anal and sent my hubby to our bedroom so I could helicopter from the kitchen without trying to hear over the living room television. This way I could resolve any issues if they arose. They did not, which was great! My middle one, the girl had two friends sleep over last night. Going into this I knew I was going to be tired. But I knew I could nap on Saturday. It would be all good.

Everything with the girls went well. I enjoyed having them here. They laughed and had a good time. I did a lot less helicoptering for them. They get along really well. This time though I was different. I was tired, not just tired but exhausted. So this morning when it was time to make breakfast (because of course I said I would make a spread last night) I was kicking myself. Not because I didn't want to but because I shouldn't have. I did it anyway. We had waffles, pancakes, bacon, sausage and eggs. All homemade batters. I am not a martyr, I just ran out of Bisquick. 

So now I sit here and my body aches and I am tired. I will recover in a couple of days. Yes, I said a couple of days. This is one of the changes since treatment that I HATE! When I get tired, I need to rest. If I don't, I become exhausted. If I become exhausted and push I get sick. I am not sick, but I am exhausted. So for the next couple of days I will rest and not push myself to escape the sickness. On the plus bright side, my daughter finally got a sleep over. So excited I accomplished things I have not been able to do for a few years. Baby steps and tiredness after, but so worth it!

Till Soon, me and my scar are going back to bed again.

Pancreatitis.

So many people ask me, "How did you know there was something wrong? Most people that have pancreas cancer find out and then are gone before treatment is even finished." True I say. After we had our third child I started having pancreas attacks called pancreatitis. I was hospitalized a couple of times and was seen in the office more times than I can count. My first one was in 2004. In 2010, I had had enough. I never knew if I would have to cancel plans because I would have a flare up. So I started to push my GP to dig deeper into why I was having issues with my pancreas. I didn't fall into the normal categories: I was not a drinker, I did not have my gallbladder anymore, my triglycerides were normal. I was over weight, but I was relatively healthy. So they sent me to a specialist. He found out I had acid reflux and thought there was more so he sent me to a specialist in Milwaukee to check further. I had an ERCP done. This procedure checks all bile ducts, gallbladder if you have it, pancreas, liver and stomach functions. The worse case scenario they thought was my sphincter in my stomach was not working. Lone behold they found a 1+ inch tumor in the head of my pancreas. The doctor at St. Luke's in Milwaukee told my mom after the procedure that they figured out why I was having pancreas attacks. The tumor. But don't worry he said, it's benign. The hardest part of all of this is I would have to put up with the pain, because the alternative was a Whipple and that surgery was not something he would recommend to anyone unless they needed to live. I left the hospital the next day in pain but in good spirits. I was going to be okay. I was not crazy, there was something wrong, but I was going to be fine and the mass was just going to be a nuisance in my life. Fast forward three days to December 22nd. That phone call changed my life. He said, well it's bad. But we have options. We are going to find you the best surgeon there is. We will take care of you. We will fight this cancer. WHAT!!!????!!!! You said I would be fine. It was supposed to be benign. Things were just fine. What are you talking about surgeon...cancer....????? That phone call changed my life. Never would anything be the same again. So many emotions that I had. The mom in me kicked in and protection mode started. I didn't want to tell my husband. I didn't want to tell my kids. The only person I wanted to tell was my mom. She would make everything better. She would make chicken dumpling soup and everything would just go away, right? Here's to wishing.
Till Soon...

Frustrating day

I went to see my radiation oncologist today. I don't get worked up as much anymore when I have to see doctors, but for some reason this man makes me freak out. Almost as bad as the end of chemo, when I started taking Lorazepam just to make myself go. I like his receptionist as well as his nurse. But he just, I don't know what it is. I'll describe the interaction, you tell me what it is...

I will try to make this short, but how do you squeeze an hour into two paragraphs? He tells me, your heart rate is up, we need to check that. How come you are still losing weight? Are you trying? What meds did the therapist put you on? Do you still have hot flashes? You still get your cycle? What you aren't on meds? How come? Pain in your liver, I thought they took the stint out of your pancreas, how come the pain is still in your liver? What do you do outside of the home? How often do you leave during the day? What activities do you do? These are just some of the questions. I felt as if we were playing 20 questions. But no prize at the end, just frustration at the end for me.

From this appointment today, I learned... My heart rate goes through the roof when I see this doctor. It's a bad thing to lose weight even when you could lose 20 more pounds. No one seems to remember I had a Whipple Procedure and food and me don't get along anymore. When you have a correlation between a liver malfunction and radiation therapy, the doctor will deny it is from radiation and will neglect to tell you what the real cause is. I may or may not be going through menopause. He is not at liberty to tell me. No, I am not on any meds from my therapist, she doesn't think I need any. Yes, she does get the liberty to tell me if I need them, I see her every other week and have spent more time with her in the last six months than the two years I have been seeing you! He magically thinks my pancreas and liver are the same organ producing the same pain. Look at my chart genius and you will see they both have issues. No I do not sit around the house all day doing nothing. I have three kids, three cats, a dog and a husband. I volunteer at my kids school. I also have 18 thousand doctor appointments every month. I spend more time at two hospitals in the area along with drive time than I do with my kids. I dislike this doctor and the appointments with him.

I think part of my problem with him is he expects me to have the answers to the medical questions that bug him about me. All I know is this, he did not want to treat me in the begining. He felt it a waste of time. I was too young, and the side effects were too great to risk. He was trumped by the cancer board and had to treat me. Like it or not. I also think he is young and doesn't understand that cancer rocks your world, everyones. Things will never be the same again. I just don't think he has been exposed to it as much as some of the older doctors I have have been. Lastly, he is a scientist first and foremost. For a treatment perspective that's great, he treated me. From a patient stand point, it sucks. His beadside manner needs some work.

Till soon... Me and my scar are going to bed.