Chemo

Well Hello there. It's been a while. Hope you are all doing well. Here, we are dealing with some things. I have found I tend to introvert myself when things start going bad. It's been crazyhere lately. The Hubs is sick. Some of you may recall a few months back, he was seeing a doctor. I had posted that they were checking him for Psoriatic Arthritis. That particular doctor said he did not have it. It was likely he would develop it at some point in the future. At that time we went back to his Primary Care doctor and asked for some help. He had been in much pain. It was increasingly getting worse. About six weeks ago, his doctor said, "There's nothing more that I can do for you." I laughed at that, because they really didn't do a whole lot. Oh, wait. They made him feel as if it was all in his head. They put him on anxiety meds, which seemed to help a little. But that just fixed a symptom, it never got to the root of the problem.

When he came home from the doctor that day, I was livid. I live with this man, there's something wrong. His pain is real. You can't tell me when he's sleeping and kicking and thrashing around in bed, there's no pain. I picked up the phone called our insurance company and asked to see a doctor out of plan, for a second opinion. A week later we saw another doctor. We chose this doctor because he specializes in digging for answers. There's some fancy word to describe that, but I forget. :) He sat with us for over an hour. By the time we left, he was on a blood pressure med (which he needed, but no one ever addressed), he was scheduled to see a new Rheumatologist and he was to try a gluten free diet. They also took a multitude of blood tests to see if anything was abnormal there, including Lyme's and Thyroid, etc.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. It was time to see his new Rheumatologist. This one also listened to him for over an hour. He checked out almost every joint on his body. He measured his ability to breathe in and out. He measured the mobility of his spine. He also ran many blood tests. He viewed the past MRI films. We had an idea of what the doctor thought it was. But he wanted to see what the blood test showed before he confirmed it. Fast forward another week.

The Hubs has Psoriatic Arthritis and Ankylosing Spondylitis. Both are hard to treat and are not curable. The AS is arthritis in the spine. The doctor feels he's had this since sometime in his 20's and it has progressed to the point of his mobility is restricted. It's pretty bad. So this last Thursday when we saw him to get the diagnosis (for sure), we had to discuss treatment options. Well, it was more like a course of action.

This coming Thursday the Hubs will begin a chemo treatment to help alleviate his AS symptoms. It should also help alleviate the psoriatic arthritis. Every Thursday he will take a high dose of this chemo drug. The side effects are similar to any chemo drug. He will lose his hair, he will feel like he has the flu, with the nausea and vomiting and all over body pains, he will have joint pain, we have to watch his blood levels. I know I am missing side effects, but that's pretty much it. It's a chemo drug, and with a chemo drug, you have nasty side effects.

If this drug doesn't work, then he will have a stronger chemo drug delivered through an iv. This first round will last until August 1st. Then we will start the iv infusion, if needed.

So please, if you can, send some positive prayers /thoughts/ mojo our way. He is feeling pretty down about it. I think he has my chemo experience in mind, and it just makes him nervous. He also is the only one working, so he is stressed about missing work. Thanks guys for your prayers and understanding.

Until next time, Sending love and HOPE,
Scar

Honesty

Honesty right?...

Okay, here it is...

Cancer has taken so much from me. My security. My safety net. My humanness. My me. My soft side.

Not a day goes by that I don't fight against this stupid thing. But in that fight, I fail.

I am so mad at myself. My old me never would have let us (as a family) get here. We are not in a good place. We are stuck and the only way to go is up. However that up, for me is a giant climb.

My problem is this... The adjustment disorder. I know what I am now. I know what my heart desires. I know I need to move on and at least embrace this new me. However this new me wants to give up.

I have shed more tears in the last 48 hours than I care to admit. My emotions are running high. I am making rash decisions. Then taking them all back. I am on the verge. I am hanging on by a thread. I've said things to people that I wish I hadn't. I almost feel as if something is possessing me,other than my own mind.

I am overly opinionated right now.

Maybe some of these things are good. But in this manner they are not. They are just a bunch of emotions running so high I am going to explode. Let me take that back. I did that already. Tears. I've been wearing sunglasses non-stop for the last 24 hours. Except in the house. The crying is so uncontrolable I've put water-proof mascara on.

I feel like a failure. I was not raised to be this girl. I was never to be dependent on someone other than myself, and of course my God. My philosophy with God has been this... If I have the tools and the opportunity arises and I have prayed and been working toward a goal, I need to do what He is pushing me to do. It steered to school. It steered me to my marriage. Both of which have been hard, but have been wonderful, the same.

Now, after cancer. I have become helpless. I hurt every.damn.day. I'm sick more than I am okay. My world has truly been flipped upside down and the rug that was under me, gone. No traces of the past are there.

But inside my heart is aching. I am not a helpless person. I am letting myself down every day. I don't go to bed happy. I don't finish the things I start. So in the midst of all of my tears in the last few days...

I have found this...

The girl I was, that I am is still in there. She is broken. She is tired. She is weak. She is fragile. But she is there. So I am attempting to find the strength to get her back. She needs to be whole. It's in me to do this. I was born a fighter. The words, "knock 'em dead.", were said to me every morning, growing up.

So that is what needs to be done. I am going to put on my big girl panties and I am gonna smile and mean it. I am gonna dance and be free. I am going to fight hard to get ME back. No more adjustment disorder. Because she is in there and Lord knows I need her back more now than ever.

Love and RENEWED Hope, Scar

The Shower

I believe in Divine Intervention.

I always freak when I get a sign, then struggle when the signs are gone.

Here is a sign I received in the summer of 2005.

I was having a rough day with the kids. They were 1,3, and 5. I needed a break. The hubs was home. I asked him to take over. I just needed to lock myself in the shower and not come out.

Earlier that year, I found a lump in my right breast. I had ultrasounds, I had a prestigious Radiologist that I worked with talk me down from my freak out. Yes, there was a lump, but it wasn't cancerous.

My mom had breast cancer shortly after I was born, well I guess I was like three. But really that wasn't much after. I thought the same was happening to me.

So back to the shower. I had a talk, with God, My God. Please don't question my faith. It is the only thing that gets me through. Anyway, we had a talk. He told me I was going to have cancer.

I always assumed it was going to be breast cancer.

It wasn't it was pancreas cancer.

You know what scares me? He told me I'd fight for a really long time. I'd hold my head up and be strong. Strong for everyone. Strong for my family, friends, kids... Strong for me.

But I would lose in the end.

I know it sounds crazy. I pray all the time. I ask for his will. I'm afraid to ask to stay alive. What if it's not in His plans? What if my journey is that to make others believe? What if me dying saves one person. It will all be worth it, in my mind.

So as hard as it is to say this... I still believe He was preparing me. It might be 70 years from now, it may be next month. Whatever the length, I will continue to fight in His name for His purpose.

The Smile

She sits and stares

She wonders what has become of her life

Desperation

Desolation

Isolation

Loneliness

Aching

She dreams of a better life

Yet, when faced with being gone, she can't let it be

She knows it's going to happen

Slowly,

She is dying

It's growing

Darkness overtakes

But she keeps her head up
'
She walks

She struggles

She even manages to smile

But what is real

How will it end

When...

Something I hope I never have to do, day 6

Again, this one is easy. Pre-Cancer I would have said, I hope I never have to face cancer. Well, as you know I did. That was hard, hardest thing I have had to do. But you know what would be worse? 


Burying one of my own. That would do it. I don't know that I would make it. Can't write anymore. It's too hard to even think of...

Dave five, something I hope to do in my life

This one is easy for me. 

I want to live long enough to retire with my husband. I want to move on to some land on a lake up north. I want to watch my children have children. I want to be healthy enough to love on all of them. I want to see my children succeed in all they do. 

Sounds easy, right? Ever since cancer, nothing is certain for me. I want to do simple things. 



If I have to answer this to the immediate future... I want to go to Disney World with my family. I want to take my husband on a trip to Alaska and do the Cruise thing there. I want to do the long cruise. The expensive one. I would be completely exhausted, but it would be worth it to see my husband smile and be happy. 

This is what I hope to do in my lifetime, however short or long it will be.

Day Four, I need to forgive someone for...

I sat on this question for a long time. Why? Because I say I forgive most people for most things. This is true, I don't hold onto grudges or wrong doings. It just make my life better to let go. However, I had this written and then I was in the shower and the real story just came pouring out, so here it is...

I need to forgive a teacher from my high school days. This man was a very important teacher in my high school life. I either new of him or had him for every year. He was a big man on campus. To be in his good graces was to be in heaven, to be no his bad side, was a disaster to say the least. I have been in both places. The latter of the two, changed my life. 

You see, my Sophomore year of school, I rebelled. Most kids do at some point. I changed friends, started hanging out with a rough older crowd, some of who were no longer in school. They either were older and graduated or older and dropped out. Why did I do this, because I could. It irritated my parents to no end. That was my goal. Mean to say, but honest. 

So in that year, I learned how to skip school and get it cleared by someone on the inside. By the end of the half way mark of school, I had missed (but totally excused from) 52 classes. My parents found out, it ended. I got my punishment from them, and lived through it. I continued to hang out with the crowd, but my studies improved. The Sophomore year ended. 

I went back to school my Junior year with a positive note. I changed a lot of my behavior and wanted to get an education. The teacher I need to forgive was tough man, as I said. It was time for try-outs for the extra curricular activity he was in charge of. Because of our positive relationship, I was positive I would make the cut. In fact, I did. Until, he brought me into his office and said, "Because of your behavior last year and missing so many classes, you are not on the team this year. I want you to learn a lesson. I put you on the team, but took you off. Learn your lesson and prove to me you will be a team player. You will be on the team next year."

I was heartbroken. Still to this day his heavy hand of discipline for me was wrong. See, I am not a bad person. Even when I was struggling I still got "B's" in all of my classes. My form of rebellion, wasn't smoking pot, wasn't drinking, it was leaving classes. Yes, I know wrong, but I still could have been so much worse. Also, I spent the last half of my Sophomore year making amends for what I had done wrong, I literally was bad for a total of 12 weeks. I thought I had with this teacher, but he chose to make an example out of me. Let me tell you, it changed my life. 

Not, in a good way. Because of this decision, I did not try out my Senior year. In fact, I decided I was done with school and graduated when I was 17. He approached me my senior year and asked why I didn't try out, because I was guaranteed a spot. I smiled at him and said I wasn't going to waste my time for him to take it all away again. Then, I went on and did my last trimester of classes and graduated early. I turned 18 a few weeks after I graduated and then went to work full time until college started. 

So even after writing this, I feel it in my soul, this. This is what I need to forgive. I forgive you Mr. Vine for trying to make an example out of me. Unfortunately, I was not a person that could learn from negative reinforcement, as so many children are not.