It's been a really long time since I've blogged, May, and I am not even sure if I hit publish. To explain it, it's been part a privacy issue and part not wanting to let you in. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am easy to read. I am honest. But I am also protective. Shy. Scared. Scarred. Lonely. Fed up. Bitter...
There is so much more. But I don't want to scare or scar you. So this is my gut check, as it's been too long. To be honest. Maybe even honest to a fault. Life has handed us a shitty hand. It's going to be a long hand, or life, or whatever. I keep reminding myself of this quote... "Death is peaceful, it is easy. Life is hard." There are moments that I wish I didn't understand the gravity of that statement. I know it all too well. Well, not the death part, but there are times I have wished it was real for me. No, please don't think I am suicidal. I am not. I would not take my life. It's selfish. That is one thing I am not. TO A FAULT. Instead, I face every day. Some days I have a smile and I can face it. Some days I cannot. I don't go out those days. If I do, then I am wearing sunglasses. Regardless of the sun.
Instead of running and taking the easy way out. I am standing tall. I am working my hardest to put this disaster behind us. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I am not standing there and experiencing it. I don't know. Sometimes you have to experience the bad to get through it. I thought about a year ago we had hit our rock bottom. Boy, was I wrong. I believe we are there now. I don't know, though. I guess it could worse. One of us could really die. No, I'm not trying to be morbid, just trying to see if there is still a silver lining for us. Not that death would be our silver lining. It wouldn't. But the fact that we aren't truly at a rock bottom, meaning death, has to be it,I think.
If you see me, I'm not going to be honest right now. I'm going to tell you I am okay. Don't believe me. I am not. But I won't tell you. No, I am not lying. At that moment I am protecting you and of course me. Why you? Because usually in casual conversations, when you ask if someone is okay, you don't want the nitty gritty. You want casual. And me, because I can't do it. I've been avoiding the major meltdown for a while now. A few months, I think. And it's there. The cliff is there. I am afraid I won't be able to pick myself up from it. I am the strong one. I am the one that smiles through it all. I can't...
I am protecting The Hubs, why? Because he is struggling and if he sees this, he's going to think he's causing it. He's not. It's just the way it worked out. I got stuck in the past. I really did. I wanted the happiness we have experienced before I got sick. Not saying there haven't been good moments, but life has a way of sucking the joy out of my soul. Therefore, my weakness, was and continues to be, not accepting who I am anymore. Then he got sick. Not accepting his sickness has been the worse part of this. The moment I stopped and really let it sink in, well, let's just say was hard. Unfortunatley for me, I let it sink in, but I didn't accept it, still. Writing this, is making me accept he is sick. He may never be the man I married. As, he now is married to someone else, I will forever be married to someone else.
I am protecting our kids. They know life is different. They are extremely aware of what is going on. They were young when I got sick, but they counted on their dad to be there. So now, we both are sick. That's a hard pill to swallow. They will take moments from this, I am sure, and grow and be wise and they will understand things children should never know. I am proud of them. Not one of them have expressed their disdain with life. They are easy going, they are adaptable. I'm amazed.
Friends and Family (Both, as there isn't one that doesn't belong in both categories). Thank you for those that have rallied with us. This journey is made sweeter because you are along for the ride. There is much more I would like to say, but I can't,because, tears.
I am sure of a few things. We are in this. Neither one of us is running. We are each other's advocate. We will get there, wherever there is. Getting there is going to be the hardest thing we have ever done together. I sometimes question my strength. I have to tell you, it would be so much easier to run. To walk away. But I am damn proud of both of us. We have fought back all of our relationship. From the time he was 18 and I was 15 and it was us against the world, we have fought. We will continue, but it will be hard. I will lose my shit, repeaditly. He will bark at me. But we will come out of this on the flip side, stronger. STRONGER!
