Honesty right?...
Okay, here it is...
Cancer has taken so much from me. My security. My safety net. My humanness. My me. My soft side.
Not a day goes by that I don't fight against this stupid thing. But in that fight, I fail.
I am so mad at myself. My old me never would have let us (as a family) get here. We are not in a good place. We are stuck and the only way to go is up. However that up, for me is a giant climb.
My problem is this... The adjustment disorder. I know what I am now. I know what my heart desires. I know I need to move on and at least embrace this new me. However this new me wants to give up.
I have shed more tears in the last 48 hours than I care to admit. My emotions are running high. I am making rash decisions. Then taking them all back. I am on the verge. I am hanging on by a thread. I've said things to people that I wish I hadn't. I almost feel as if something is possessing me,other than my own mind.
I am overly opinionated right now.
Maybe some of these things are good. But in this manner they are not. They are just a bunch of emotions running so high I am going to explode. Let me take that back. I did that already. Tears. I've been wearing sunglasses non-stop for the last 24 hours. Except in the house. The crying is so uncontrolable I've put water-proof mascara on.
I feel like a failure. I was not raised to be this girl. I was never to be dependent on someone other than myself, and of course my God. My philosophy with God has been this... If I have the tools and the opportunity arises and I have prayed and been working toward a goal, I need to do what He is pushing me to do. It steered to school. It steered me to my marriage. Both of which have been hard, but have been wonderful, the same.
Now, after cancer. I have become helpless. I hurt every.damn.day. I'm sick more than I am okay. My world has truly been flipped upside down and the rug that was under me, gone. No traces of the past are there.
But inside my heart is aching. I am not a helpless person. I am letting myself down every day. I don't go to bed happy. I don't finish the things I start. So in the midst of all of my tears in the last few days...
I have found this...
The girl I was, that I am is still in there. She is broken. She is tired. She is weak. She is fragile. But she is there. So I am attempting to find the strength to get her back. She needs to be whole. It's in me to do this. I was born a fighter. The words, "knock 'em dead.", were said to me every morning, growing up.
So that is what needs to be done. I am going to put on my big girl panties and I am gonna smile and mean it. I am gonna dance and be free. I am going to fight hard to get ME back. No more adjustment disorder. Because she is in there and Lord knows I need her back more now than ever.
Love and RENEWED Hope, Scar
