The Shower

I believe in Divine Intervention.

I always freak when I get a sign, then struggle when the signs are gone.

Here is a sign I received in the summer of 2005.

I was having a rough day with the kids. They were 1,3, and 5. I needed a break. The hubs was home. I asked him to take over. I just needed to lock myself in the shower and not come out.

Earlier that year, I found a lump in my right breast. I had ultrasounds, I had a prestigious Radiologist that I worked with talk me down from my freak out. Yes, there was a lump, but it wasn't cancerous.

My mom had breast cancer shortly after I was born, well I guess I was like three. But really that wasn't much after. I thought the same was happening to me.

So back to the shower. I had a talk, with God, My God. Please don't question my faith. It is the only thing that gets me through. Anyway, we had a talk. He told me I was going to have cancer.

I always assumed it was going to be breast cancer.

It wasn't it was pancreas cancer.

You know what scares me? He told me I'd fight for a really long time. I'd hold my head up and be strong. Strong for everyone. Strong for my family, friends, kids... Strong for me.

But I would lose in the end.

I know it sounds crazy. I pray all the time. I ask for his will. I'm afraid to ask to stay alive. What if it's not in His plans? What if my journey is that to make others believe? What if me dying saves one person. It will all be worth it, in my mind.

So as hard as it is to say this... I still believe He was preparing me. It might be 70 years from now, it may be next month. Whatever the length, I will continue to fight in His name for His purpose.

The Smile

She sits and stares

She wonders what has become of her life

Desperation

Desolation

Isolation

Loneliness

Aching

She dreams of a better life

Yet, when faced with being gone, she can't let it be

She knows it's going to happen

Slowly,

She is dying

It's growing

Darkness overtakes

But she keeps her head up
'
She walks

She struggles

She even manages to smile

But what is real

How will it end

When...