To the Man I never knew...

Today's post is about a man I have never met. I love this man. I love the child of this man even more. I love the grandchildren of this man, as well. All that said, I wish I could have met him. 

Dear M,

This year marks the 13th year your son has been a father. Just this week it was the anniversary of your passing. I want to take this opportunity to tell you some things.Your son is one of the kindest, strongest, most gentle men I ever have met. His fathering skills didn't come easy. I don't blame him for that. We became parents way younger than most, I was 19 he was just shy of 22. Most people that have children that young may grow into good parents, but rarely stay together. He doesn't fall into that category. He has so much love and compassion in him, he grew to be an excellent father.

There are times I look at him and I wonder which expressions are yours. I look at our children and I think the same. Does your namesake smile like you? Does she have your attitude? Does your personality shine through our last? I look at your son and wonder what he thinks when he thinks of you. He never had the chance to get to know you. As a father. As a confidant. As a disciplinarian. Later in life as a friend. He missed out on so much when it comes to you. You never took him to a ball game. How did he become such a good sports player? Where did his compassion come from? Where does his need to save the day come from? His laid back personality, was that you? 

You being a small physical part of his life, he handles well. I know you are in him spiritually. There are not many times I see him break down. In fact it's extremely hard to get him to talk about you. He will, if I push. But I see the pain in his eyes. I hate that. However, there are times he has light in his eyes when we talk about you. It's often when I tell him you would be proud of him. I know you would be. He is an awesome father. His husbandry skills are superb as well! I so wish you were here to see this. Maybe you are in Heaven and are able to see him. I hope so. I hope there is a time in his life that he gets to meet you. That you get to meet him.

Please don't feel bad you left him. Although it has been hard on him. He does have two fantastic father's in his life. The first one raised him as his own. Pushed him when needing to be pushed and from what I have heard was hard on him when he needed it. I love the love they share. God works wonderfully in his works when it came to their relationship! The second father came later in his life. Their relationship started out rocky. Who would blame them? Life changed drastically for both of them. But I have been witness to their fantastic bond they share; now. God also worked wonderfully in this relationship. I am also blessed to be witness to it. In both of these relationships, I see my husband and his fathers and they have genuine friendship. I love that. 

So in the last week, I have grieved for so many things. I never knew you could grieve for something you never had. But I have come to learn when it affects someone you love, the grieving is normal. My grieving is normal. I grieved for you. I grieved for my husband and all things that not having your blood father in your life does to a man. So until we meet or until you and him meet, may you really rest in peace. I love you. Thank you for your son. Thank you for his loving compassion that in some part had to have come from you. Without him, I would be lost. Although you are not here to celebrate with us, Happy Father's Day.

~Scar

A backward post on thankfulness.

A couple of weeks back Kelly from DeBie Hive wrote something about a friend that she thought was a true friend but turned. It brought up some real emotions for me. I think everything happens for a reason. For me it is a God thing. But I also believe there are connections and kinetic happenings that make all things possible. So it hit hard when I read what she wrote. As I am somewhat illiterate when it comes to tagging and adding people go to DeBie Hive on Facebook and check out her blog. So from what she wrote this is how I feel...

It's been six years since we've had our last blow up. I promised myself I would never walk that road with you again. In the last six years, I have reached out to you numerous times to say I am sorry and to say I care. When your dog died it was the first time. Your response was leave me the beep alone. Okay, I did. Until your dad was sick. I reached out again. How could I not? We were two peas in a pod. We did everything together. We freakin' got pregnant at the same time to show our support for each other. WHO does that? Well obviously us. Then he died. I reached out again. This time nothing. No anger back from you. Now that was an improvement.

Around the same time Kelly wrote her blog you facebook friended me. I was so caught off guard. I was in shock! My first thought was hell no. We are not going back down that road. I said never again. I meant it. Then I felt sad for you. The hubs said... "Remember the times before, she has no one in her life so she's seeking you because you will love her again. Don't do it." I took what he said but instead of listening to the no, I heard the she has no one. I want to be someone.

Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I almost died, literally. Where the hell were you then? I know you knew. For one, you had people checking up on me. I know because some told me. I also know your Ex Husband told you about what was going on. I asked him not to. He thought it was the right thing to do. So let me ask again, where the hell were you? If I matter so much now, when I was barely hanging on, where were YOU?
There you go. There's your answer. No, never again. I am finally at a point in my life where I can think of you and have no ill will. Just blessings and HOPE that you are okay. Beyond that, nothing. I think of your children, my God-Children, and cry. But as you said to me six years ago... They will never remember me. As my children will never remember you. For that I am thankful.