So here goes a flashback: Part one
It was a Wednesday... April 20th, 2011. I was back in the hospital (yep, again). It was Easter weekend. I was upset. I was more upset because it was our anniversary. The BIG 10 years. It was an anniversary that I looked forward to from the day we got married. I know some people look at year 7 and think, whew, we made it. That is what I thought was going to be it for this one, I had so many expectations. All of a sudden it turned into, am I even going to make it through year ten to number eleven?
I remember riding in the van, head in a pink bucket, you know the ones right? They are rectangle, great for keeping to use later when you scrub floors? Yes, No? Anywho. Another trip to Green Bay. I was dying, or so I felt like it. It was almost two years ago, but I tell you those nightmares fade, but they don't go away and in an instant, they are back and bright. Everything hurt. I was at a point in my chemo when I would get deep muscle joint pains 24 hours after it was administered and then it would last for about a week. It was hell. Thank God for drugs. So every bump we went over was hell. Then I would dry heave. Oh man the headache. I look back and wonder what the other drivers thought as we raced by?
We sped. He would always have me there in almost 30 mins. A normal drive there should take 45 to 50 depending on traffic. I don't like it when he speeds, but when you don't know if you are going to make it, speeding is fine. I got over it. They were expecting us. They had a room for us. They asked if I needed a wheel chair? Nope, I am gonna walk myself up there. It's a pride thing. So I did. I was still dry heaving. It was hell.
We got to my room. They never could figure out where to put me. One time I was on the birthing floor, another I was on the first floor with just general admissions, this time I was on the geriatric floor. God, does this really mean I am dying this time? Please HELP me! The nurses were busy, so I sat in my chair and I rocked. Trying to find my zen. So hard this time. I was so sick. My temp was around 104 I was still dry heaving. And his look. God, I hate that look. It makes me cry. There's nothing he could do for me. I was here, but for how long. I had moments where I truly wanted to die. Just take me away. This pain and anguish is not what I signed up for. I didn't even want this damn cancer. I'll take it, but dammit, take the pain. It HURTS!
Finally the nurse came in. By now, I had the full on shakes. Nothing could warm me up. She said I needed to put on a gown, so we could get things started. I said I am not getting naked until I warm up. Something in her knew not to fight with me. She let me climb in bed with all my clothes on plus my jacket. She sterilized my port site and stuck me. She didn't have orders yet for pain meds, she would have them soon. I had to see the internist to get them though.
What was really about an hour felt like days. I was finally checked in. I had a CT scan scheduled for 11:30 that night. All I had to do was drink my drink and wait. I looked at my hubs and told him to go home. The kids were there. They would need him when they woke up. I didn't say good bye on my way out. My biggest regret in all of this. My youngest still wakes up at night just to look for me. He finds me in bed and then goes back to sleep. Ugh, just think, your six year old watching you die right in front of him. Nothing he can do. No words can make it better for him. It's his mom. It's me. No matter what I do, I cannot protect them from seeing me go through this. If it ever happens to you, say good bye in the middle of the night when you need to leave. They will miss you, but they will be prepared.
Hubs left, although, he wanted to stay. I worked on drinking my drink. I had to sip it. I vomited. Had to sip it, still. Right before 11:30, they came to get me. I vomited again. But thank God, a little was in me, enough to do the scan. Before we went, I finally changed into a gown. I still wore my sweatshirt, because the chills were still there. Did the scan. Threw up again. All of this because I had chemo. All of this because...I had an abscess inside that was getting worse. This was the third time I had been in because of this infection. They called the doctor for infection and disease control.
Let me tell you something... She was the nicest doctor. However, no matter how nice they are, it makes you feel pretty low when they hang a sign on your door saying they have to take MRSA precautions. No one may enter the room without being gowned and gloved. I couldn't leave the room anymore without also being gowned and gloved. I didn't have MRSA this time, (I did have MRSA in my nose when I had my surgery. I was treated and have been MRSA free ever since) but they weren't sure what the infection was, how bad it was, how it got there or how I might pass it along. So from that moment I was quarantined and felt like I was the plague. Looking back, I wasn't, they were just taking precautions. But come on... I had been through enough, and this I tell you was icing on the cake.
Finally somewhere around 1, the nurse came in and gave me pain meds. I was really happy for the joint pain to be going away, but was really upset the headache was in full force. So I got Tylenol for that, who knew? lol Guess what? I drifted off to sleep thinking my anniversary is today. It's Thursday April 21, 2011. Our ten year anniversary. I am in a hospital bed feeling like I am dying. What fun! Happy Freaking Anniversary!
Till Soon ~Scar
