Disclaimer: This is my opinion. If in any way shape or form I hurt your feelings, I am sorry. I do not mean to.
I was just going to post on the page I have so much going through my head and there will be a blog soon. Then I started to explain why I haven't written. So I stopped, erased and laughed. THIS is what my blog is for, to get those feelings out. So here it is. This week is a highly emotionally charged week. We found out on Sunday my husband's father's mother had a massive heart attack... she won't make it. It is only a matter of time, maybe as I am writing this, before she goes. Now, I know a lot of you are probably thinking sympathy for us, her, her son and other family members. I ask for that for them. I however am struggling. I have never met a woman more complicating than her. Now that said I don't know her very well. My husband has in his own way protected me from her. He does that. He comes from some messed up things in his life... We all do. But one thing he does is protect me. He knows I am soft and love with my all. I don't do well with drama and I don't handle rejection well. I don't know every detail in his childhood, for that I am glad. I do know what he wants me to know. I know that his grandma and him did not have the greatest relationship. One that was never repaired. Now, I am a forgiver and forgetter ( I know that it truly is not a word). My husband is a forget about it kind of person. Sometimes he forgives, sometimes he forgets. It is rare for him to do both at the same time. So I don't think he ever wanted to or took the opportunity to try to rectify the relationship. I also know this woman did not have an easy life. She fought hard through her life. That said, we become what we are surrounded by. I know in my heart I loved her. I just never expressed it. For that I am truly sorry. I cannot go back. I cannot change it. So without going into a ton of detail, I need to express somewhere my feelings.
Grandma P...First and foremost, I love you. I am crying right now because I never said those words to you, but yet they are true. I am sorry I didn't take opportunities to have my children get to know you. I am sorry you never had the opportunity to get to know them. I am sorry the last couple of years have been so rough on you and I truly am glad that you are going to be in a better place. One where harm and pain no longer exist. I look forward to the time we can meet again. Maybe then if you are so inclined, I will be ready to work on a relationship with you.
Dad...We are so very sorry to have to know you are going through pain right now. Your son is grieving for you. These words are hard to say because I personally am afraid of judgement for not being there right now. I know the judgement won't come from you. Maybe there won't be any. Maybe you understand where he is at, therefore understanding me too. Just know we love you and we are here if you need anything, always.
Please don't think less of us because we are physically not there for our family at this moment. My husband is here for his dad, always. That was never and will never be a question. Thanks for listening to my thoughts. <3
